


Even Here We Are (On Hiatus)

by TheVillain



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bathing, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky and Steve Love Each Other, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hair Brushing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Men Crying, OOC af, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Assault, Pet Names, Sexual Dysfunction, Steve Rogers Healing, True Love, Vomit, bed wetting, couple-centric, domestic stucky, extremely light dom/sub undertones, gentle!dom Steve, sex apprehension, slow moving relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-01-20 08:30:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 52,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12428895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVillain/pseuds/TheVillain
Summary: After Bucky gets a 'Not Guilty' verdict for his crimes as the Winter Soldier, he and Steve start living together where they both heal and fall in love again. (AKA Another 'recovering Bucky' fic that no one asked for.) (Please heed the tags! More will be added as the story continues,)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> fic title from the song Even Here We Are by Paul Westerberg.
> 
> In this verse, Bucky remembers Steve quickly. So, yeah. Really nervous about this fic so love is appreciated if you are interested in reading more!
> 
> PLEASE heed the tags! More will be added as the story continues.

prologue  
  


Not guilty.

The best two words that maybe Steve has heard in his whole life. Bucky was free and Steve's heart soared. Bucky had been in prison for nearly a month, awaiting trial. Steve visited him every single day and they talked and sometimes Steve would read to him when Bucky had nothing to say.

Bucky didn't say much. The soldier was still a prominent entity within him and he was paranoid, skeptical and unstable at times.

"I can't live.. in that place, Steve." Bucky admitted to Steve quietly one night.

"I know, Buck. I know. Once the jury see's what Hydra did to you and you get out of here, I was  thinking we could maybe buy a house.. near where we used to live in Brooklyn."

"A house? In or near Brooklyn? Do you know how much that costs? What about your friends?" Bucky asked, feeling heavy guilt for ripping Steve away from the people he loves. Steve's thinking was that a house with neighbors would be a good compromise for Bucky. He wouldn't be so secluded yet not have people so close to him and his living space at the same time as an apartment would have. Bucky thinks he himself isn't worth it but he indulges Steve all the same. A selfish part of him misses Steve on a soul-deep level. It makes his head hurt and stomach ache when there is no medical reason.

"Money isn't an issue and as for my friends, I'll still see them, talk to them.. but it's always been you, Buck. Always," and the look in Steve's eyes are so confident and sure.

Bucky could only nod.

Chapter 1  


By the time Bucky was released, Steve had already bought them a nice place. It was simple, small but clean. It had two bedrooms, a master one and a smaller one. Bucky closed his eyes and remembered his first encounter with Steve after being The Soldier.

_ "Who are you!" Steve yelled, blocking another attack as he was able to reach his shield. He wasn't going to get a reply, that was for sure. _

_ "Must eliminate Target." The man growled. Steve thought the voice sounded familiar but was quickly taken back when he had to again dodge an attack. _

_ All that was visible were the man's eyes, a mask covering the bottom part of his face. The man took a good look at Steve, squinting his eyes as if he was trying to figure something out. Steve took the opportunity and pushed him and the intruder stumbled backwards. Steve used this moment to yank the mask off. Before he could get the words out, the man gained his footing again and bolted out the door. Steve chased after him, _

_ "Wait!" Steve called out. Steve threw himself at the man once he deemed close enough and tackled him to the ground. They wrestled, taking turns pinning each other until the anonymous held both of Steve's hands up above him as Steve layed flat out on his back on the concrete. _

_ "Oh, god.." Steve whispered, the realization dawning on him. His eyes suddenly closed as a mouth roughly pressed against his. The kiss broke and then the unknown person actually spoke. _

_ "Steve." _

_ Their lips crashed together again, hungry, needy. They began rutting against each other, moaning into the others mouth and kissing them breathless. No one else existed. Steve came hard in his pants, Bucky biting his lower lip. Bucky was on the edge, too, and repeated Steve's name quietly like a mantra. Steve was barely alert when Bucky had his orgasm. _

_ "Oh, Buck. Don't know how you're here.. but I love you. You hear me?" Steve cried, grabbing Bucky into a hug. Bucky didn't respond to that, instead pulling away saying, "I need to leave now. If I don't report back, they will get suspicious. I'm not going to let them hurt you." _

_ "Will you be back?" a small voice from a big and righteous man. _

_ "I'll try." _

Somehow, Steve tamed the raging animal within him by just loving him. There was still a tiny part of Bucky inside The Winter Soldier that was able to hear Steve's call and that tiny part answered back with a call of love of its own, breaking Bucky free.

"I didn't move all my things into any bedroom so you could decide which one you want." Steve said, nervously. Bucky noticed how he ran the palms of his hands down the front of his jeans, anxious to get the sweat off.

"Sleeping quarters? I can use the floor. No need." Bucky shook his head.

"No, no, you don't have to anymore. You're free, Bucky. You can have your own bed, warm blankets, you never have to live that way ever again." Steve reasoned with him. Bucky just grunted something like an understanding and began looking around.

"Buck?" Steve asked, confused.

Bucky didn't answer and continued checking all of the walls.

"Buck, what are you doing?" This time Steve pulled himself out of bed and approached with great caution.

"Not now, Steve." Bucky growled, much caught up in his inspection.

Steve got the message and slowly grabbed an energy bar from the cabinet.

After another 20 minutes, Bucky sat at the table opposite Steve with a huff.

"The place is clear at this point of audio devices or cameras. I'll have to do a daily check to make sure. The locks and bolts on your door and windows are secure. You should use them." Bucky instructed mechanically.

"It's ok, your safe here." Steve tried to soothe him. "I'm not some random civilian, you know that, Bucky. I would know if something was wrong."

Bucky still wasn't buying it but he reluctantly let it go.

"I'll still do a general check once a day. I'm also going out and scoping the parameter."

There was really no use in arguing so Steve just nodded. He'd let Bucky do whatever he needed in order to feel safe.

Steve decided to wipe down the already spotless kitchen, needing something to do, and stare at the current channel the tv was on, trying to convince himself he was interested in whatever was playing when really his mind was full of just one man.

When Bucky came back, he looked sad. He sat down on the sofa and removed his boots, laying down without more than,

"I checked the surroundings. It's clear. Tomorrow I'm going to The Smithsonian."

Steve didn't know why Bucky didn't take a bedroom or why Bucky wanted to sleep in his clothes but didn't press him on it. He figured Bucky needed the rest.

However, Steve knew what Bucky's words meant . There was a huge exhibit on Captain America and his childhood friend and fellow Howling Commando, James Buchanan Barnes.

"Let me come with you." Steve said gently.

"You already know everything there is to know." came the grumbled response. Bucky turned over to his other side to get more comfortable.

"I'm not going to impose and force myself into your plans, I just miss you, Bucky." Steve sighed.

There was a beat of silence and then "Fine."

Steve took the master bedroom after he wished his friend goodnight.

Bucky's heart was tormented. It had been nearly obliterated. Steve could feel a heavy sadness below the anger and general apathy. The flame in Steve's own heart, however, burned brightly and fiercely with hope and love. He was never giving up on Bucky.

When the two arrived, Bucky stood near the back, almost afraid to get too close. Steve was silent, trying to give Bucky his space.

It was only until the crowd thinned out that Bucky stepped closer to an image of himself on the wall. He recognized himself but at the same time felt so disconnected like it was another him in another world. That might as well have been true. Bucky closed his eyes, and in his mind's eye, saw himself trying to grab Steve's hand. He doesn't know where he is or what's happening but the possible memory disturbs him.

Almost like reading his mind, Steve cautiously stepped next to Bucky and directed his attention on the small paragraph about his fall. As far as the world knew- James Buchanan Barnes was dead and had been dead for a very long time.

Steve kept his voice low, "You died a hero, Buck."

Despite the somewhat positive sentiment, Steve had a pained look on his face, the guilt still weighing heavily in his chest.

Bucky scoffed and shook his head, "I ain't no hero." and he walked off, out the doors of the museum. Steve bit his tongue although he vehemently disagreed. Bucky had saved Steve's life in so many ways. He gave his life in the name of everything good and just and amazing about this world. It was Hydra who should be accountable, not Bucky.

Bucky went to sleep that night fully clothed, on the couch again.

In Bucky's dream, Bucky saw himself and Steve in this shield of sunlight. Bucky wanted to be in Steve's orbit. He felt it in his bones; then dream Steve kissed his temple.

_ "See this, Buck? Nightmares of darkness and pain can't hurt you so long as I'm around. I'll always be here to protect you." imagination Steve said. _

A loud car alarm from outside awoke Bucky with a jolt. He was dripping in cold sweat, hard, and confused. His throat felt thick and as he went to swallow, what came out was choked out sob. Bucky felt his heart palpitating but he wasn't afraid. He didn't know what he felt but fear wasn't part of it. Panic? Nervousness? Shame? Guilt?

Bucky glanced at the closest clock which read 4am. He wasn't falling back asleep so he got up and curiosity got the best of him as he walked slowly to Steve's room. The door was ajar as he peeked in. Steve was sprawled out over his blankets, nude, in what seemed like a fitful sleep. Bucky just stood in the doorway and watched before going to the kitchen and making himself some coffee.

Steve was awake for his morning run with Sam an hour later.

"Sleep ok?" Steve asked hesitantly.

"Fine."

"You know, you could use the other bedroom. I'm not going to disturb you." Steve reminded him. He still didn't understand why Bucky preferred the couch.

"I know."

The days stretched on in this way, small talk, things between them both going left unsaid. Steve still worked with the Avengers on a regular basis. They all still wanted to get to know Bucky but It wasn't the time. Bucky still scanned the house and surrounding area for surveillance of any kind on a regular basis despite Steve doing everything he could to make Bucky feel safe. A therapist would be needed at some point but selfishly, Steve didn't want to suggest it yet. He had to gain Bucky's trust first, he had to get through to him.

At the three week mark, Steve had bid his goodbye for the day and promised like always to come home at night. Normally, Bucky would sleep, watch tv, or come and go through panic attacks but this day, he carefully pushed open the door to Steve's room. He didn't know why or what he would find.

There was an old box shoved under the bed and upon opening it, his hands shook as he picked up a small stack of black and white photos. All of them were of him and Steve. Steve looked different, he looked smaller and much more frail.

_ "I thought you were dead." _

_ "I thought you were smaller." _

The memory flashed inside Bucky's mind. Shaking his head, he willed himself to keep looking.

Steve opened the door, leaning in the door frame and all was quiet. He could tell someone had been in his room since the door was open much more than he had left it.

"Bucky?" Steve asked into the dark. He didn't get a reply but found Bucky sitting on his bed, looking at different photos. Steve bit his lip and looked over. The photo's were of them two before and during the war.

"I think I was scared I'd lose you if I told you.." Bucky mumbled.

"You would never lose me, Buck. I felt the same and we fell in love." Steve informed Bucky who was clearly trying to put pieces together. "But to be honest, I've always loved you even before I knew what love was."

Bucky went quiet.

"I wish we had more time, too, but I never would have changed it. I loved you so much, Bucky. I still do." Steve said quietly, moving so that he was sitting next to Bucky on the bed.

"I.. loved you too..?" Bucky replied, just as quiet. It came out hesitant and more of a question but Bucky trusted Steve and he felt safer with him.

A jolt of electricity zapped through Bucky's temples and he grit his teeth in pain, closing his eyes tightly. He could distantly feel arms around him and Steve's soothing words.

"Buck? Bucky? Shhh, It's alright." Steve said, rocking him back and fourth in an attempt to calm him.

_ October, 1940 _

_ "Steve! Stevie!" - pounding fists on Bucky and Steve's apartment door. _

_ Said door opening. _

_ "For Christ's sake, Buck! Get in. It's 3am and you reek of alcohol!" Steve scold. _

_ "Hows're date with whashername?" Bucky slurred, swaying back and fourth slightly. _

_ "Lucy, and It went fine. She's a swell girl." Steve answered, closing and locking the door behind them. _

_ "So thatssit huh? Gonna go marry 'er and leave me?" _

_ "Bucky, stop! You're drunk. Now's not the time." _

_ "No, Steve! Now is exactly the most perfect time! Yeah, I fuck around but not once did I consider leavin' you and now you see some girl and I'm what, old news?!" _

_ Steve crossed his arms. _

_ "Bucky, what the heck are you on about?" _

_ "Stop playin' dumb, Steven! It ain't a good look on ya. What's that dame do for you that I can't? huh?" _

_ Steve rolled his eyes and Bucky growled. _

_ "It was one date! One little date! Who said I was gonna marry her? Bucky, what's this really about?" _

_ "I love you, Steve. That's what this is about. I'm a pervert and I fuckin' love you, alright?" _

_ Bucky kissed him and Steve reciprocated. _

"I was drunk but I remembered enough the next morning." Bucky was coming back to himself, pulling his face away from the crook of Steve's neck. He doesn't know how it got there.

"I know. We started going steady after that..in secret of course." Steve agreed, this time feeling bold enough to take Bucky's hand.

"You don't have to feel the same way now or tell me anything if you don't want. I'm here for you and I don't want to push you into anything you don't want to or can't consent to." Steve explained. He looked slightly sad but it was genuine.

"Just need some time.. have to.." Bucky trailed off and got up, locking himself in the bathroom. Steve could hear the shower running.

Steve sighed and went to make lunch, figuring a grilled cheese and tomato soup might be easy on Bucky's stomach. He still wasn't used to eating solid foods yet.

Thirty minutes later Bucky emerged from the bathroom cleaned up and smelling good. Steve swallowed hard, taking in the sight before him. He wanted to reach out and touch, _god,_ how Steve wanted to touch. Bucky looked beautiful. He always did.

"Um, I made us lunch."

News of Bucky's trial was still buzzing around the media stations and Steve hoped that they would be left alone since he was sure Bucky didn't want to do any interviews or speak to any reporters. He didn't even speak much at all. Thankfully, most of the PR is being taken care of by Pepper and Steve makes a mental note to thank her later.

"Ok."

Steve brought their food over and they sat on the couch watching the Discovery Channel. Neither of them said anything, just ate in silence.

When the program on the Milky Way Galaxy ended, Steve cleared his throat and gathered the empty plates and bowls.

"Tell me about us." Bucky says, small frown at the corner of his lips. Steve was caught off guard by the question and set everything back down, not wanting to risk losing this moment.

Steve paused and thought his words carefully.

"What do you want to know, Buck? I'll tell you anything I can remember." Steve rested his hand gently on Bucky's knee but Bucky made no attempt to move it.

"What kind of person was I?"

"I know you've changed, and so have I, but all the most important amazing things in the core of you are still there now. You were brave and strong. It didn't matter If I got into a fight with the biggest, meanest kid in school, you were always there to bail me out even when I didn't want you to. You'd take the blows for me."

Steve's hands were trembling and he was trying his best not to get emotional. This was for Bucky's sake, not his own. Bucky needed him.

When Bucky didn't say anything to add or interrupt, Steve collected his wits and continued.

"You'd work extra shifts at the dock, working so late just to be able to afford medicine for me when I got sick. I tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it. You'd wear yourself down to the bone to make sure I was as healthy as I could be. You took care of me really well.. you're the best man I've ever known in my entire life and will always be."

"What about.. I remember many girls. I can't feel any attachment to those pieces of memories." Bucky said, looking to Steve for answers.

"Yeah, Buck.. you had many girlfriends. I can't say if you really cared about them or not but in the end you would break up with them because they were too prude or too stuck up."

Bucky nodded.

"I thought dating a different girl would make it go away." Bucky murmured.

"Make what go away?" Steve replied, his hand still on Bucky's knee but not moving.

"Never- never mind. I don't want to talk about this anymore." Bucky stated abruptly.

Steve respected his decision and moved to take away the dishes, washing them and trying his best to give Bucky some space.

Three hours later, Steve informed Buck that he had to head in and meet with the others and as usual he would be back later tonight. Steve made it a point to tell Tony and the rest that he wasn't going on any over-night, week/month long missions until further notice. Steve didn't want to leave Bucky alone but he also wanted to make up for lost time and just be around him even if they couldn't have a romantic/sexual relationship.

Bucky went back into Steve's room, back into the box of photo's and found the one of him and Steve at what looks like Coney Island, Bucky's arm slung around Steve's shoulders, smirk on his face. Steve looked happy, too. Bucky grabbed it, put the box back and slowly crept into the second bedroom even though there was no one home but him.

He laid back on the bed and held the photo in front of his face, just staring.

His eyes felt so heavy despite doing not much else other than sleeping but the bed felt more comfortable the the couch so he shoved the photo in his pocket, turned to his side and dozed off.

_ "So, James, are you really all that fun that my girlfriends say you are?" Sue's eyes were twinkling and she smiled brightly. _

_ "Please, call me Bucky." Bucky insisted, smiling his million dollar smile right back. _

_ They were in some kind of back alley. Possibly for a quickie. _

_ "Alright then, Bucky.. let's see what you got." she drawled, unbuckling his belt. _

_ All day Bucky couldn't focus. All that ran through his head was 'Steve, Steve, Steve.' _

_ It was a mantra, a montage, a homage to where his true loyalty lay. _

_ "You alright, James? I mean, Bucky." Sue said, raising a brow. _

_ Bucky wasn't hard. He wasn't turned on or all that interested. Sue was real pretty and an adventurous gal who wouldn't mind a one-night stand and he was ruining it. No, Steve was ruining it for him. Steve and his stupid date today. Steve was excited all morning and it killed Bucky to fake his joy for him. No dame deserved Steve. Not even Bucky deserved him but if Steve was going to be with anyone, it was going to be Bucky. _

_ He's had so much sex, countless blowjobs, but he found that the more time he spent with Steve, the harder It was to find interest in anyone but him. At first, ignoring the feelings got him by. When that stopped being effective, he went into denial about it. Bucky went from woman to woman to try to set himself proper of these homosexual thoughts. During that time, Bucky would imagine Steve's face every time he closed his eyes, that it was Steve's lips around his cock, his arms around his neck, his tight warm body he thrust into. He didn't even feel guilty or sorry for the women who got off thinking that Bucky was thinking about them while they fucked. His denial disappeared instantly when the primal burn of arousal made him think of who he really wanted. _

_ "Yeah, course. I'm fine, Darlin'. Just a little tired is all." _

_ Bucky moved to kiss her again, to try to get his body to not embarrass him but he couldn't will it. _

_ "Yeah.. okay. So, I'll see you around then?" Sue asked, obviously feeling put off by Bucky's lack of response. _

_ "Sue, wait." Bucky pleaded. _

_ "Bucky, I have work early tomorrow at my pa's shop. I don't have time for this.. sort yourself out and then look me up. I'll see you around." _

_ Bucky grit his teeth and slammed his head back against the brick wall of the alley. He felt like he was suffocating. Everything was spinning and he couldn't think. Bucky just broke down, going from small controlled sobs to full on bawling into the elbow of his jacket, scraping up enough dignity to at least hide his face. _

_ "F-uck." Bucky muttered, bending over and throwing up until tears pricked the corners of his eyes. _

_ He'd been keeping it inside him for so long. He made his way to the nearest bar needing the liquid courage for what he was about to do. Two hours later, he wobbled his way home. _

_ "Steve! Stevie!" he yelled, pounding on their apartment door. _

_ When Steve opened it, Bucky's breath caught. He looked so beautiful. He was so slim and perfect beyond words. _

_ "For Christ's sake, Buck! Get in. It's 3am and you reek of alcohol!"  _

Bucky woke up with an empty kind of ache in his chest and a cold sweat on his brow. He was just coming to himself again when there was a gentle knock on the door.

"Bucky? You ok? You've been asleep for over ten hours."

"Steve." Bucky whispered.

Steve's brows creased in concern.

"What's wrong? nightmare?" Steve questioned, coming into the room but not crowding Bucky.

"Yes. No.. I mean, I don't know." Bucky grumbled, not really sure what he would call that kind of dream. It seemed like another missing memory and It didn't feel good. Apparently, he got together with Steve, but if this was true then he must have felt emotionally drained and at his wits end just before that.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

Bucky looked at him, unsure before saying, "Stay."

From that night forward, Steve slept with Bucky in Bucky's room. Neither of them had many possessions to fit, and secretly, Steve preferred Bucky's slightly smaller bed because he got to be closer.

A week after Steve moved into Bucky's room, Bucky had another dream. This time, it was a nightmare. He woke up with a yell, sweat beading down his forehead and making his shirt stick to his chest and back. Steve was up in an instant, turning on the light on the end table next to the bed.

"It's- It's ok. Breathe ok? Just in and out. You're with me, Steve, in our home and our room. You're safe, Bucky." Steve reassured him, running a hand up and down his back. Small touches no longer made Steve nervous since they slept so close together under Bucky's request. Steve definitely never dared to try anything sexual either.

"The fall. I remember." Bucky gasped, surprising Steve as he put himself between Steve's arms, needing warmth, needing to be held.

"Shhhh. I got you now." Steve whispered, holding Bucky securely and rocking him back and fourth gently like he did those weeks ago.

"Steve." Bucky groaned, burrowing more into Steve's chest.

"Yeah?"

"Steve." Bucky repeated, not having any rhyme or reason.

"It's alright. Shhhhh." Steve shushed Bucky again and he sighed lightly, having no problem holding Bucky until he calmed down. While Bucky's face was shoved in Steve's chest, Steve noticed that the bed was wet and he bit his lip.

"Oh, Bucky." Steve soothed. He wasn't sure if Bucky knew or not but he didn't say it directly. He tried to approach it in a round about way just so he could change the sheets and give Buck a chance to clean himself up a little.

"Why don't you go take a warm shower? There are fresh towels there and I'll be right outside if you need me."

"Steve, what-" and then Bucky finally acknowledged the wetness soaking through his underwear and sleep pants. He was so frazzled, so upset that it took him all this time to notice that he fucking pissed himself.

"It's all fine. I'm not angry. Go clean up and you'll feel a little better. I promise you, it's ok."

Bucky was still mortified but said nothing and retreated into the bathroom. He wanted to get away from Steve, away from his shame. Bucky didn't like restrooms and their windowless walls. It made him feel trapped in. He needed a break now though. In truth, Steve was honest. He really didn't mind at all. He loved Bucky with all his heart and whatever Steve could do for him wouldn't even be scratching the surface of how much and how well Bucky took care of him before the war. 

Steve's heart was breaking as he changed the sheets and blankets. He desperately wanted to hold him again.

Bucky looked like he had been crying when he came back to the bedroom.

"Do you want me to hold you?" Steve asked, hoping It would ease Bucky and also show Bucky that he cares.

"Yeah." Bucky agreed, sliding back under the fresh covers. The photo in Bucky's pocket remained dry since it was a pocket higher on his leg and he was fucking relieved. He moved it to the pj's pants he was wearing now.

"Try to get some sleep, Bucky. I'm right here." Steve said, turning out the light. He laid back down and carefully draped his arm across Bucky's waist.

"This ok?"

"Mmmhmm." Bucky replied sleepily. Steve felt so warm inside.

Despite the small progress, there were some nights where Bucky would just disappear for hours. Steve would be frantic with worry. He never questioned Bucky's whereabouts, he didn't want to pry. Bucky would just say he was tired and then retreat to his room, closing the door behind him.

The closed door was like a slap in the face to Steve. A statement which was "you're not welcome in my room with me." It hurt even more knowing now what It felt like to sleep by his side again.

The waft of breeze trailing behind Bucky smelled heavy of smoke and Steve knew he should just mind his own business. He's not Bucky's keeper and Bucky could pretty much go where he pleases. Knowing this didn't help the jumbled curiosity and concern balling up in his stomach.

Steve could only let it go for so long as Bucky started to disappear more and more and for longer periods of time always reeking of smoke and god knows what else and not giving Steve any word about where he had been.

Steve's breaking point came when Bucky returned with a split lip and other marks .

"Jesus, Christ! Bucky. What happened?" Steve quickly ran to get a face towel and wet it with warm water before going back to Bucky. Bucky had only just started to heal so he couldn't have gotten this way too long ago.

"Nothing. Stop babying me." Buck growled, turning his head away but not going to his room.

Steve ignored him. "Where do you go all the time, Bucky? Please. Tell me." Steve pleaded. He sat down on the couch and pulled Bucky down with him. Buck went willingly.

"Sometimes, I just go for a walk. For hours. Just to try to clear my head. Sort my shit out." Bucky quietly admitted.

"What's on your mind? How did this happen?" Steve was still so worried.

"Bar fight. Alcohol doesn't do much so I just sit in the corner smoking cigarettes. The motion of doing it, keeping my hands and mouth busy, I just.. some random drunk guy decided to pick a fight with me..and I let him hurt me as much as he could. I should be punished. Should be dead.. If you weren't here, I wouldn't have minded the death penalty if New York had one."

"Don't- Don't talk like that, Bucky. It wasn't your fault. It never was and never will be."

"You're only sayin' that because you love me. Not because it's true." Bucky argued solemnly. Steve's heart felt heavy in his chest and he was trying to hold onto his wits for Bucky's sake. 

"Course I love you but I will never not believe that It wasn't your fault. You were brain washed, tortured-"

"I know what happened, Steve. It happened to me. You don't need to give me the list." Bucky cut in, annoyed.

"Then you should know that you had no control over what you did." Steve countered with frustrated huff.

"Yeah, but It was me who pulled the trigger every time. I did it. No matter which way you wanna slice it, I still did it."

"I'm sorry, I just.. I don't see It that way." Steve knew It was true, that Bucky physically did those things, but he could never blame Bucky because even though Bucky did it, he didn't have a choice. The blame is on Hydra, not Bucky.

"This ain't gettin' us nowhere. This is just gonna keep on going in circles. That.. that wasn't the point of talking to you now, anyway."

"So, how long?" Steve kept his voice low, his stomach roiling, not wanting to hear about what comes next.

"How long what?"

"You.. you wanted to- to end your life." Steve whispered.

"Ever since I broke free from Hydra.. since you set me free."

Steve's eyes were brimming with unshed tears and he wiped them before they could fall.

"Steve, no..you don't get to cry over this. This is on me. Don't blame yourself or even Hydra because it's easier than to blame me. I killed those people, I nearly killed you, and to make it all stop I almost killed myse-"

"Alright! Stop! Please, Buck. No more. " This time, Steve was crying, not stopping the tears from flowing down his face.

"You wanted to know, Steve. You wanted the truth."

Steve sniffled and cleared his throat.

"Do you still feel that way?"

Bucky sighed. "Sometimes."

Bucky looked Steve in the eyes and took pity on him. This despair swirling around Steve made his heart ache. Carefully, Bucky raised his flesh hand and put it on the side of Steve's face.

"I'm sorry." Bucky mumbled. "I didn't mean to make you upset."

Steve leaned into his touch like a touch-starved puppy. Like Steve would take any breadcrumb Bucky would throw at him.

"We can get through this, together." Steve choked out. Bucky nodded and placed a soft, chaste kiss to Steve's cheek before withdrawing.

"Please don't go out late anymore." Steve pleaded seriously. "I don't want you to keep hurting.. I don't want you to die. Not- Not without me."

"Don't throw your life away for me." said Bucky sadly.

There was something thick in the air. Bucky felt a warmth spread within him, It both healed and hurt.

"As much as I'm out of place here, I know I can do anything with you by my side, Buck. Right now everything seems like crap for you but you have to keep holding on. All those times when I was so sick as a kid, It was the thought of leaving you that kept my consciousness at the surface. I wasn't going to let you go, Bucky. Never."

"Can we just go to bed? I'm tired." Bucky looked at Steve so grimly and all Steve could do was nod.

"Sure." Steve agreed, getting up and retreating to their bedroom.

Bucky was so tired but even though he was laying down, he still couldn't sleep. He could hear Steve's even, soft breaths and extracted himself from the blankets. His eyes were burning and his throat was tight. The closer he got to the restroom, the more blurry his vision became until he locked himself in, throwing down the toilet lid and sitting down, a sob escaping his lips. The first tears burned trails down his cheeks moments after, some getting caught in the corners of his mouth where he could taste the warm saltiness of his misery. It only made him feel nauseous. Another sob came and then another. He couldn't hold it in any longer. He ran the bathtub and sat down in the hot water, not even knowing what he was doing. He shoved his face in his hands, feeling hot and uncomfortable all over. His breaths became shorter despite the amount of air needed for his heavy huffs. Gritting his teeth, Bucky stood up and screamed, pulling at his long hair.

That, without a doubt, tore Steve from sleep, out of the blankets and bolting to the bathroom only to find it locked. 

"Bucky!" Steve yelled, pounding on the door. With their conversation about Bucky wanting to commit suicide, Steve was worried sick.

"Bucky! Let me in!" Steve yelled again. The sobbing continued and Steve rubbed the back of his neck knowing that one way or another, he was getting in there.

"Please! It's Steve!"

If Steve could pull a helicopter then he could pull hinges off a door. He didn't want to scare Bucky any more than he probably already was so Steve grabbed at the hinges and ripped them off instead of just breaking the door down.

He found Bucky sitting in a ball, in the tub. The former Winter Soldier was fully dressed in his pajamas still while the tub was full of scorching water.

"Jesus. Bucky, look at me." Steve knelt beside the tub and pulled the plug. Bucky didn't seem to hear him but felt his presence enough.

"Get away from me!" Bucky roared. Saliva was dripping down his mouth and his eyes were irritated from crying. Steve wasn't going to back down, not when Bucky was like this.

"No! Bucky I'm not leaving you!" Steve countered, stepping into the tub. For some reason, the screaming stopped and became reduced to the heavy sobs as before.

"I'm going to hug you now, alright?" Steve asked, making sure this was ok. When Steve saw the nod, he wrapped his arms around Bucky tightly.

"It's alright baby, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." Steve soothed, holding the trembling man close as Bucky shoved his face in Steve's chest. "Let it out, that's right. Get it out of your system. It's alright," Steve was talking gently as Bucky cried.

_ "There's gotta be a rope or something! _

_ "Just go!" _

_ "No! Not without you!" _

Steve was still here.

"Stevie, I'm so sorry." Bucky cried in earnest.

"Nothing to be sorry for. Calm down, It's alright." Steve rubbed Bucky's back and continued to whisper soothing words and hold him securely.

It was nearly an hour before they finally stood up. Steve grabbed a fluffy towel and started to finish drying Bucky off with what hasn't in the time they spent holding each other.

"Why don't you get changed and come back to bed with me? I'll hold you, I promise."

Bucky couldn't speak anymore. His mouth twitched in response to Steve and he went to their room to change into dry clothes. Steve was waiting outside their door to give him some privacy.

When they started to drift back to sleep, Steve gently played with Bucky's hair as Bucky curled up close.

"Read to me." Bucky mumbled against Steve's neck.

"Alright, what do you want to hear? I have Lord of the Rings, Count of Monte Cristo-"

"Classics." Bucky added.

"Mmm hmm. I'm old fashioned, sue me." Steve chuckled.

"Monte Cristo sounds good." Bucky decided. Steve reached over the side of the bed and pulled the book up. The few books at the top of his list were nearest to his bed so he could read at night.

"Alright. Chapter one, Marseilles- The Arrival.." Steve Began.

Bucky fell under sleep's spell somewhere near the end of the first chapter. Steve's voice had been so soothing and sincere, petting Bucky's hair or rubbing his arm with one hand and holding the book with the other. Tony tried to convince him to just use a tablet or a Kindle Fire. He could get thousands of books this way without the clutter of their physical mass. Steve preferred paper. He could learn how to use modern technology but there was something about the feel and smell of physical books. Holding it and turning the pages was part of the experience in Steve's opinion. Sometimes, Bucky read to him when he was small and sickly, unable to get out of bed. The turning of the pages was so calming to Steve. Reading to Bucky like this brought an intimate and familiar glow about their bubble.

Steve woke up before Bucky, watching the sun shine on his face. It hurt how much he loved this man. Bucky stirred and Steve calmly shushed him back under.

"Steve?" Bucky whispered.

"Yeah? You alright?" Steve asked, patting Bucky's arm.

"Last night.. when I was.. you know, freaking out. You called me baby." Bucky remembered. It stuck with him ever since it was said to him.

"I-I'm sorry. That wasn't appropriate. I don't know what came over me." Steve stuttered, feeling sorry for letting it slip but not for thinking it or feeling it. He wanted to make a strong effort to keep everything strictly platonic as to not force, scare, or hurt Bucky in any way. The moment he pet Bucky's hair, putting his nose in it, the small touches that lingered a fraction of a second longer than it should; It was all over before it even began. Steve knew he had to be careful and he made a silent decision to himself to try harder. He couldn't not love Bucky. It was as natural as breathing to him. No matter what Bucky did, Bucky had Steve's heart.

"It's fine. I know we were lovers.. before the war." Bucky revealed.

"I know I need to reel myself in. It's not fair on you and for that I'm sorry." Steve apologized.

"S'okay. M'attaracted to you, too."

Steve had hoped as much since he and the Winter Soldier had grinded against each other until orgasming but he still wasn't sure if _Bucky_ felt the same.

"But I can't.. I.." Bucky couldn't find the words to tell Steve one of the reasons he went on his late night walks. It was humiliating. Worse than pissing the bed.

Bucky felt a hand in his hair and he snuggled into it.

"We'll work it out, Bucky. No need to rush." Steve assured him. Bucky's body slowly relaxed into Steve's hold and he felt good.

First thing in the morning, Bucky felt the cold, heavy wetness of his pajama bottoms and pressed his hand around his side of the bed, which was soaked. He didn't remember having a nightmare, but at this point, what did it fucking matter. He was broken. Fucked up.

Steve changed the sheets again without any resentment or judgement. He just did it and continued on like everything was normal. Bucky didn't understand it.

"Why don't we take a walk today, Buck? Just the two of us? It's really nice out." Steve says over breakfast. He doesn't even bring up Bucky's accident.

"Need to check the apartment first." Bucky huffs. Bucky has calmed down a little with the urgency and frequency of his security sweeps but they still happen.

Bucky takes a spoonful of oatmeal and  then gets up, starting his morning check. Steve has learned to live with it and turns on the news while waiting. He's grateful that it's nothing about Bucky for once. Hearing about traffic and weather are a relief with all of the unwanted publicity the trial had brought them. Pepper had been absolutely swamped with interview requests for both Bucky and Steve.

It wasn't just the press that bothered Steve. The public had been split as to their opinions on Bucky's guilt or innocence and although public opinion meant shit to Steve, all those horrible things said about his Bucky by ignorant idiots who don't even know him; well, It really wore on him. Bucky was a tortured prisoner of war, like the courts agreed, but Steve had a very short fuse about anyone who said anything otherwise. He didn't care either. Steve could care less about what anyone thought as long as he was with Bucky.

Soon enough, they were outside on a sunny day. Steve was  surprised when Bucky actually agreed but kept that surprise to himself as not to deter the former Winter Soldier.

They stopped at a couple of side vendors selling fresh fruit and Bucky picked out a couple of plums without a word. Steve got himself an apple and orange and then paid the man before they continued their walk. It was nearly perfect, these moments together.

It was good while it lasted, at least.

Bucky's arm slowly started working its way around his stomach as they continued their walk. He didn't say anything or have much a pained expression on his face, if any, but Steve noticed the gesture.

"You alright?" Steve asked to make sure. He didn't expect Bucky to give in and tell all so he braced himself to be as patient as he always tries to be. It can be difficult sometimes, being slow and cautious with Bucky, but in the end it's really not a big deal.

Bucky stopped walking and closed his eyes, swallowing hard. This was _Steve_. He trusted Steve, he.. he cared about Steve.

" 'urts" Bucky grunted.

"We should head back so you can lay down. Need me to stop anywhere for a seltzer or tums or anything?"

Bucky just shook his head and started walking back. Each step made the nausea in Bucky's gut bubble up and his stomach felt heavy with sick.

"Steve..don't think I can make it." Bucky mumbled, easing against the brick wall of the side of a building. 

Steve was worried and protective. Instantly, he thought of the bags of fruit and tossed them all into one bag, giving the other to Bucky.

"If you need to throw up then throw up, Buck." Steve soothed. Bucky paled, holding the plastic bag with a shaky hand before vomiting at full force right into it. Bucky's stomach clenched and churned and pushed everything Bucky ever ate in his entire life into that small thin plastic. Steve tried to use his body as a block to give Bucky some kind of privacy from passer-byers and waved off concerned pedestrians.

"Steve." Bucky's words came garbled as saliva trailed down his lower lip. "Won't stop." and Bucky heaved again, trying to hold his breath. He basically had his whole head in that thing. The smell was completely atrocious and when Bucky couldn't hold his breath anymore, the stench made him gag and expel even more.

"Let's get you home, Buck." Steve whispered, once Bucky's episode had subsided. They took it slow on the way back, Bucky still feeling nauseous but unable to bring anything up. His stomach was vacant of anything to vomit.

Steve threw the contaminated bag away and guided Bucky to their bathroom. Bucky felt so weak.

"Drink some water, here. You need to stay hydrated." Steve handed Bucky a small waxy paper cup with cool water. Bucky could only manage a couple of sips before handing it back.

"It's my- my anxiety." Bucky mumbled, looking up at Steve blearily. Steve knelt down beside him and put his hand on Bucky's flushed cheek.

"You should have told me, Bucky. I would have never brought you around so many people if you weren't ready." Steve gently scold.

"I wanted it. I wanted to. I wanted- I wanted.." Bucky stumbled on his words, his thoughts getting fuzzy from the awful way his body felt.

"Can I hold you? Pet your hair?" Steve asked, wanting to do so desperately. He thought it would be something grounding and soothing for Bucky. He wanted to try to make himself useful.

When Bucky nodded with consent, Steve gathered him up in his arms, rubbing his back. This was now getting to be routine.. but a strange progress was made from these happenings. Bucky was facing his issues head on and letting Steve be there for him.

"Wanted to be with you." Bucky whispered.

"You are, Bucky. God, you are always going to be with me. I've loved you for so many decades." Steve went back to petting Bucky's sweaty hair and closed his eyes, trying his best to make Bucky feel better in any way he could.

"I don't know what love is anymore, Steve." and when Steve pulled back just a little to look at Bucky's face, Bucky's eyes were watery.

"You don't have to love me but you do have a sense of what it is. You trusting me enough to hold you, sleep by your side, help you remember. That's love, Buck." Steve explained, hoping he was enough. Hoping he was getting through.

"Steve."

Steve felt the grasp around him tighten and Bucky's mouth, breathing heavy puffs against his neck. It could have been Steve's imagination but he could have sworn he felt a small kiss. It wasn't enough to really decide if it was or not but still, Steve hoped.

"Get some rest, you're exhausted."

Steve helped Bucky off the floor and then tucked him into their bed. "I have some Gatorade in the fridge. I'm going to water it down a little so it'll be easier on your stomach but try to drink a little when you can. It will help taper off the nausea, too." Steve said. A silent nod from Bucky.

When Steve came back with the drink, Bucky was asleep. He set it on the end table beside the bed and put the ceiling fan on for a gentle breeze. He stood there briefly for a moment debating whether or not he should climb in with him when he silenced the voices in his head and slid in beside a sleeping Bucky. Bucky seemed to murmur something incoherent at the movement and then cuddled up to Steve. Steve couldn't help but smile.

"You'll always be safe in my arms, Buck. I promise." Steve whispered, kissing the top of Bucky's head softly. Bucky didn't feel feverish to Steve and Steve inwardly agreed that it must have been Bucky's severe anxiety. He wished he could make it all go away. Bucky didn't deserve to suffer the way he did and the thought of him contemplating suicide made Steve's own stomach want to puke.

Sometime a few hours later, Steve was awakened by his phone ringing. Bucky woke up too,

"hello?" Steve answered sleepily. It was Nat and Steve was needed on a mission in Belarus. Steve got up and went to the bathroom, waving Bucky off in a gesture that said everything was fine.

"Nat, I told you. Buck isn't well and even if he was, I'm not leaving him." Steve hissed.

Unbeknownst to Steve, Bucky listened outside the door.

"No.. then you can tell Fury to fuck himself."

Bucky bit his lip and looked down.

There was a very stressed, very annoyed and very audible sigh from Steve and then, "Fine. But one day tops. And if Bucky needs me then I'm going back home whether you want me to or not. Got it? Good."

Steve opened the door and saw Bucky sitting up in bed, waiting for him to return.

"I know you need to go, Steve. It's alright." Bucky broke the ice and Steve was silently thankful.

"It's not alright," Steve stated, shaking his head. "It's far from alright. Maybe _you're_ fine here on your own but I'm not. I don't like being without you, Buck. Not when we need each other." Steve wanted to say "When I need you" but It sounded too pathetic in his head so he opted with "we need each other" instead, hoping in a way that Bucky really did need him.

"This is your job and they're your friends. They need you."

Steve scoffed, " _I_ need you, Bucky. Yes, they're my friends but you.. you're so much more to me." 

"I'll be here when you get back. You need to breathe. Take a deep breath." Bucky said, not knowing how he knew that Steve would work himself into a panic attack if he didn't calm down.

"Promise me you'll be here. Please." Steve pleaded.

"I will."

"Promise me, Bucky."

"I promise."

So Steve went for his uniform.

"We'll video chat when I get a free moment. Is that ok?" Steve asked, again hoping that Bucky wouldn't mind.

"That's ok. I ain't goin' anywhere."

"If you need anything. Anything at all, call me. I mean it, Buck." Steve encouraged.

"I'll be fine.. go kick ass."

Steve picked up the shield which now felt so much heavier. He had to force his feet to move out the door.

Bucky took to watching boring tv, eventually falling asleep as the sound from the tv transitioned to background noise.

This time, he doesn't dream a memory but something else.

_ Steve's mouth is so wet and lavishing Bucky's rock hard cock in saliva.He purses his lips tightly to make the fit snug and a better mix of slick and friction. Steve deepthroated him and Bucky gasped, threading his fingers through Steve's short blond hair. _

_ "Oh, fuck yeah." Bucky moaned. _

_ Bucky's balls were heavy, and almost like reading his mind, Steve squeezed them, pulling another cry of desperation from Bucky. _

_ "Come for me Bucky." Steve managed to say, pulling off of Bucky's cock for a moment.  _

_ "Please baby, I want your load so bad. Come for me, baby." _

_ Bucky squeezed his eyes shut as his body locked up and he shot his fluid down Steve's throat. _

Bucky yelled himself awake, sweaty and panting. He had hoped the wetness he felt was come but it was just piss again. His cock seemed a little interested but he wasn't that hard and it hurt his ego. He slid a hand down his face when his phone started ringing. Steve.

Bucky answered the facetime call.

"Hey Buck."

Steve couldn't have gotten there yet.

"We're halfway. How are you feeling? Still nauseous?" Steve still looked so concerned.

"No. I'm- I'm ok. I just fell asleep." 

"Yeah? You look a little flushed." Steve pointed out.

"I'm fine. Really, I am."

"Just checking in, that's all. I promise to be home as soon as I can."

"Hey Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Be safe."

Steve smiled a little. "I will. See you soon." and the call ended. Immediately, Bucky felt without when Steve's image disappeared from the screen. He grunted and raided the kitchen for something to eat although he wasn't all that hungry. He promised Steve he wouldn't leave and he didn't feel like going out and facing people yet.

Bucky ate and lifted weights, just passed time until Steve came back. He didn't mind being alone but now that he had Steve, he minded it more than he had before.

When the next day opens, Bucky wakes up on the couch. He didn't feel comfortable sleeping in the bed he shares with Steve.

He grunts, getting up to make some coffee and turns on the tv for lack of anything better to do.

"We'll find out more about how Captain America went down in flames this morning right after a quick commercial break." The news announced. Bucky's heart stuttered in his chest and he whipped around to face the tv as his back was facing it to make the coffee.

"Steve." Bucky murmured. His hands shook and he didn't care about the coffee anymore. The wait to find out what was going on on the news was excruciating and It was even worse when the news program returned showing a medical helicopter taking off from a terrible wreckage.

"And here we see America's former sweetheart, Captain America, being air lifted by specialized jet to St Joseph's hospital in Washington D.C. after a mission in Minsk, Belarus went terribly wrong. Team mates Black Widow and Hawkeye are currently declining to comment."

Bucky didn't know when exactly this really happened and of course it would have taken hours for any aircraft to make it back to the States. Bucky felt that deep sickness in his stomach again and swallowed down the urge to vomit. He grabbed his phone and dialed Stark.

"What the hell? What happened to Steve?!" Bucky growled. "And why wasn't I notified? I had to find out from the damn morning news for Christ's sake!" Bucky yelled, his pent up emotions slipping out more and more.

The television continued, "And here we have Greg Clarke, a Captain America historian for over 40 years. So, Mr.  Clarke, how is it that a super soldier like Captain America can be in this condition when he's known to have a quick healing rate?" The reporter asked without any emotion, shoving the microphone in the guys face.

"It depends on the extent of the damage. After he was unfrozen after so many decades It wasn't like he just jumped up and was fine.--" Bucky completely tuned it out after that. No one knew a god damn thing about Steve.. but neither did he. Bucky's heart fell in his chest. Neither. Did. He.

"I don't care if he's in a hospital in god damn Australia. You're taking me to him!" Bucky argued against Stark. Tony was trying to advise Bucky to stay home where he wouldn't stir people and the press up.

"Fuck the press, Tony! Steve needs me to be there! You send me a jet or so help me god, Stark. I swear to Christ." and Bucky threw his phone down.

Bucky grabbed a bag from their room and stuffed some of Steve's clothes into it. This was effecting him so much more than he thought it ever would. How could this happen to Steve? Didn't he survive so much worse? Bucky didn't know. He didn't know anything but that he had to get there.

Soon, a jet was indeed sent to Bucky. Even if it wasn't, Bucky would get there one way or another.

He took out the photo he always kept of him and Steve and stared at it. It was all he did on the whole way there. He didn't say a word, just look at the picture, occasionally running his thumb gently over Steve's face.

"We're here Mr. Barnes." the pilot said, and Bucky was out of there in a flash, barely waiting for a full landing. He briskly walked through the doors and approached the front desk.

"Rogers. Looking for Steve Rogers." Bucky told the receptionist.

"Captain America?"

Bucky huffed and rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Yes, fucking Captain America! Where is he?"

"I'm sorry, sir. Only Spouses and next of kin are allowed to see him or receive relevant information."

Bucky sneered and wrapped his metal hand into a fist.

"I'm Sargent Barnes, his.. well, I'm here for him! And If you know who he is then you should know that his family has been dead for decades!"

The woman looked terrified.

"I-I'm sorry Sargent Barnes. He's in surgery right now. When he gets out he'll be transferred to Room C on the second floor. I'll have the doctor notify you when he's out."

"Good. I'll wait here then." Bucky said with a final nod, going over and sitting in one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs.

"Barnes! You can't go around scaring people." Tony came in with a scolding look.

"Shut up, Tony. I need to know how Steve is."

Tony sighed and put his hands in his pockets. "You know as much as I do but I made sure he got the best surgeons there are. Can't do much else other than wait." he said sincerely, patting Bucky's shoulder.

Bucky ran a hand through his hair. He hasn't showered in a couple of days and still didn't feel like it even though his hair was getting greasy. Being in bathrooms for longer than a couple of minutes still scared him for whatever reason.

The hours melted away and Bucky had went through several cups of shitty tepid warm coffee. He wouldn't leave. He couldn't. It wasn't until the fourth hour did a doctor come to him.

"Are you Mr Barnes?" he asked Bucky. Bucky got up and sobered quickly.

"Yes, I am. How is he?"

"Captain Rogers sustained multiple injuries including broken ribs, a broken arm and a slight fracture of the jaw. Those are healing quickly on its own. What we're more concerned with is the internal bleeding and heavy blood loss. His organs took a heavy beating. One of his broken ribs punctured one of his lungs and we did the best we could to mend it. He lost a lot of blood so he's weak. He's weak but stable. You can see him now but we can't release him until we see significant improvement with his breathing and blood replenishing. With his healing factor I would give it another two days, roughly speaking."

Bucky's face paled but he nodded.

"Thank you, doctor." he said gratefully, shaking his hand.

Steve looked like shit. One of his eyes had the remnants of a once severe black eye.

"Steve." Bucky whispered. Steve turned his neck to see him.

"Hey, Buck." Steve forced out. His voice was gravelly.

"Don't talk. The doctors want your lung to heal well.. you took a really bad beating, pal." 

Steve needed to speak with Bucky. "Missed you," Steve whispered.

"Fuck. You scared me, Steve. When I heard the news.. I just. I was just starting to know you again and then I lost you."

"Bucky." Steve started. He weakly reached out and took Bucky's hand.

"I told you I'm always going to be with you."

"If I don't say this now then I never will. I want to know you, Steve. I want to not just remember but to make new memories with you. I want.. Steve, I want it all but I'm so lost." Bucky admitted with a sigh. Still, he squeezed Steve's hand back.

"It's going to be rough, Bucky. I can't lie to you. But we can go slow at your own pace. I'm here for you, whatever you need. You know that."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know.."

There was a silence before Bucky spoke again.

"I do feel something for you, Steve. I don't know what it is yet but there's something. When I thought I'd almost lost you, I.. my heart." Bucky tried to explain but he could put no words to his emotions.

"Hey. It's going to be ok. You don't need to force anything and you aren't under any pressure to feel or act a certain way. We'll take it day by day." Steve tried to smile but he was still in so much pain.

So what now? Did Bucky kiss him? He didn't know.

"Maybe you should sleep. You'll heal faster and then you get out of this place."

Steve didn't want to sleep. He wanted as much time with Bucky as he could. The medication was making him drowsy and he couldn't help but slowly drift towards a needed slumber.

"I'm fine."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "If you were fine, then you wouldn't be here."

"You better come back tomorrow." Steve huffed lightly, eyelids growing heavy.

"I will.. really, Steve. Get some rest," Bucky enforced.

Bucky realized this was the most he's ever spoken so far. It was all because he thought Steve was gone. It was Steve who got to him at the heart.

As Bucky left Steve's room, he knew that what he was doing was insane. Dating someone he didn't even fucking know but was supposed to. He was sure there was no guide about how to go about navigating through something like this. Steve seemed kind and patient but now Bucky was a little worried that maybe he couldn't do this. He's not the same man that Steve remembers. From the bits he remembers and from what he's learned and read about himself, he could understand why Steve would want him as he was before the war. He was charming and funny, witty and attractive. Bucky was none of those things now. Now he was.. someone's ghost of a memory and a murderer.

Bucky was exhausted. Usually days of not much at all wore him out but this time he found himself emotionally drained.

He did come back the next morning as he promised, crappy coffee in hand.

"Doctor says your doing better." Bucky informs Steve, taking a sip.

"Yeah, I can go home tomorrow.. and how've you been?"

Bucky shrugged. "I'm fine. It's only been a day so I don't really know what to say."

"When I woke up, this was in my hand." Steve noted, showing Bucky the picture of them two that Bucky had taken as his own this last month.

"Yeah."

"I don't.. you know, I don't expect you to be the same, Buck." Steve confessed, almost like reading Bucky's mind. He was getting good at that, or maybe he always was.

"Good, cause I ain't."

Bucky didn't mean to come off a little bitter but he could never live up to the Bucky Barnes he once was.

"You're still gentle and caring." Steve said, biting his lip.

Bucky scoffed a clipped sarcastic laugh.

"I mean it! You're so careful when you hold me in bed and soft in turn when you let me hold you." Steve explained.

"Maybe. But I ain't that guy no more, Steve." Bucky reminded him again. Steve didn't need reminding because It didn't matter to him.

"I don't want the Bucky of the 1930's and 40's. I want the Bucky I have now. I want _you._ I'll remind you a million different ways every day If I have to. I loved you then and I love you now, maybe even more."

Bucky didn't look all that convinced but he didn't argue.

"I know what I'm saying.. and if you don't think I love you, why did you agree to explore something more between us?" Steve challenged.

"Because I feel something for you." Bucky replied simple and clean.

"Then if you accept the circumstances we have then you need to accept that I know what I'm getting into. You don't need to wear a 'warning' sticker with me, Buck."

"I guess you're right. I don't know what I'm doing, Steve."

"Neither do I but that's the point of being in it together. You with me?"

Bucky took Steve's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Yeah, I'm with you."

One of the first things that Steve wanted to do when he got home was give Bucky a bath. It had been days and all the sweating from worrying and running around made him smell a bit.

"I don't like goin' in that damn place.. the room is too small and I just- I don't like it." Bucky resisted.

Steve hesitated a beat before saying "What If I go in there with you? I won't look, I promise. But maybe you'll feel better if I was there." Steve suggested.

Bucky looked weary. "We.. could try that. Be easy on yourself. Last thing we need is you gettin' re-admitted over something stupid."

"I'm almost completely healed. There should be more fresh towels in there. I usually have a stack. There's shampoo and soap and whatever you need."

"I know, Steve. I've been in there before.. let's just get moving. I don't wanna keep thinking about this."

"What If I give you a bath instead? That way you could relax."

"You're pushing it, Steve."

"Are you sure? You deserve to feel good. You deserve more than I can give but it can be a start."

Bucky protested and struggled like a defiant cat but eventually he relented when Steve gave him the pro's of a good, warm bath. Steve hoped it would surround them with intimacy and an opportunity to talk and gain trust. He just wanted to feel Bucky's skin under his fingertips again.

Bucky sat there in the tub grumbling as Steve got some soap on a soft washcloth and washed him.

"I'm not a child, Steve." Bucky mumbled. "I think you're going overboard."

Steve knew it but selfishly this was for him. He had thought about doing domestic things with Bucky before and during the war. Of course, that never would have happened, but now, in this era, Steve could have that and he hoped this was ok.

Steve sat back, kneeling, from the tub. "I know. I know you're fully capable, it's just that.. I had always wanted to take care of you like this. Return the favor every now and then."

There was a long pause where Steve started to feel dread like he revealed too much, too soon.

Bucky lifted his arm, " You missed a spot."

Steve grinned. "Jerk." And he threw the wash cloth at Buck. Bucky smirked and splashed water at him, eventually leading to Steve leaning over the side of the tub and kissing him. 

Bucky was stunned, and, sensing this, Steve pulled back abruptly, clearing his throat.

"I-I.."

Bucky reached over and crushed his lips to Steve's. No, he still didn't know what he was doing but this felt so fucking good. Steve was happy, Bucky felt good, for once Bucky let go for a few moments and let his heart beat bold and true.

They parted, lips red and panting.

Steve's eyes were sparkling. "Oh, Buck. You're so good. So, so good." Steve praised, getting a glob of shampoo on his hands. He runs it through Bucky's hair and massages his scalp. Bucky looks peaceful and seemingly loving it.

"S'good. Feels good." Bucky reinforced Steve's thoughts.

"That's right. Just relax, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Steve shushes, going as slow as he can so Bucky can make the most of it.

"Alright, time to rinse now." Steve murmurs, helping Bucky lean his head under the faucet and wash his hair lovingly.

When Bucky came up, Steve gave a small smile. "How is your anxiety, Sweetheart? I mean, can I call you that? Is that ok?" Steve back peddled nervously.

"You said we were in it together so yeah, that's alright. But my anxiety is alright. Not gone or anything but not too bad."

"I'll leave you to get out and dry yourself. Come to our bedroom when you're done. And don't look so worried, I only mean that I'd like to brush your hair."

"Ok. That's fine, I guess."

And Steve got up, carefully closing the door behind him with a click. When he was preparing for Bucky to come live with him, he bought him a wooden brush with long, soft bristles. 'Making tangled hair a thing of the past!' the sticker on the back read. Steve peeled it off and just as he threw it in the garbage, Bucky emerged all fresh and glowing. He wasn't wearing the same scowl he usually does or the blank stare like when Steve saw him come out of the bathroom last time before he left for the mission. Bucky looked aware but a little nervous.

"Sit down, I'll try to be gentle."

Bucky perches himself on the edge of the bed and Steve goes to sit behind him, narrating along the way so he doesn't surprise him in the wrong way.

"Close your eyes, just gonna run this through your hair."

Bucky takes a breath before Steve makes the first sweep of the soft brush.

"There we go." Steve whispers. Steve catches a small knot and Bucky feels comforted by how gentle Steve is when getting it out.

Steve keeps brushing and smiles when Bucky leans back into it.

"Can we do this again tomorrow?" Bucky asks but doesn't move.

"Yeah. Yeah, we can." Steve is so close he could breathe in Bucky's shampoo, the musky soap he used. Even though they were the same products Steve used himself, the fact that it was on Bucky made It both alluring and homely.

They cuddled up together in bed and Bucky felt so safe. Steve had him and It was ok right now.

 For now, Steve wrapped himself in Bucky's scent and warmth and everything that was Bucky. He felt like he was getting part of his heart back.

The morning brought Bucky blueberry pancakes that were fluffy and fresh. Steve woke up earlier and made Bucky breakfast.

"That's.. wow. Thanks, Steve. Wasn't expecting this." was Bucky's reaction. Steve was happy inside because it looked like Bucky really appreciated it.

Steve made himself a plate and sat down at the table.

"I was thinking.. maybe we could take a walk around the block. Nothing far or anything." Bucky suggested, almost hesitant.

"That's a great idea, Buck. We don't need to be long. I'm really proud of you for giving it another go. I know what it's like to panic and want to be alone."

"You never told me." Bucky said, taking a forkful of pancake.

"Told you what?"

"What happened to you when you came out of the ice." Bucky clarified. This was one of the few times Bucky made a real attempt at a full conversation, wanting to know more about Steve, opening himself up just a little bit more. He figured he had to at least try if he wanted to keep making Steve happy and feel a kind of happiness within himself because of Steve. Happiness..

"Oh."

Steve bit his lip and looked away, trying to think of the right words to say. He wasn't expecting this to come up, at least not so soon.

"It was.. It was rough. I was confused, alone and so quickly pushed into fighting for the US again. To me, I had just finished my role in the second world war when in reality it had been almost 70 years.. everyone we knew and loved was dead or so old. Everything was new and different. I rose to the challenge but I felt terribly heartbr- I missed you so bad. I knew I was doing the right thing by helping people again but I was empty inside without you, Buck. For a while It was hard to sleep. I had nightmares too, and still do on rare occasion which I'm glad you didn't see yet.."

"I'm so sorry, Steve. I'm so fuckin' sorry." Bucky felt the very beginnings of his eyes pricking with tears and he hated that he felt this way. He hated that Steve went through this all alone. He knew that Steve was a good person. Steve was kind and pure and stupidly righteous. It squeezed at his heart.

"I'm just glad you're back, Bucky. You're safe here and I swear till my dying breath that I will do everything in my power to keep it that way."

"I know, Steve. I know."

"No, you don't." Steve sniffled.

"It was my fault, Bucky." Steve said, tears welling up.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I let you go, Bucky. I could have reached further, I could have tried harder. I let you go. It was all my fault."

Bucky stood up, his chair scraping against the hard tiled floor.

"No. You can't believe that. It wasn't your fault." Bucky reasoned before stopping a moment to really consider things. "Oh, Steve. Having you been carrying around this guilt the whole time?" Bucky asked so gently, so sweetly.

And that did it for Steve. The dam burst and the tears flooded.

"It's all my fault! And I didn't look for you after you fell because- because I don't know why! I should have. I could have gotten to you before- before-"

Bucky approached Steve, lifting him from his chair and holding him close.

"Stevie, It wasn't your fault. I'm not angry at you and don't blame you." Bucky whispered.

Steve stepped back from Bucky's warm embrace. "How do you know! You don't even remember!"

That comment speared Bucky right through the heart. It was true, he didn't remember what happened but he was compelled to comfort Steve, stop the tears. Bucky wanted to be there for Steve.

"No, I don't.. but if I don't blame you now, how could I have possibly blamed you then? I mean all that time until I was made to forget who you were.. I couldn't have blamed you. I loved you, Stevie."

Steve let out a sob and grabbed Bucky.

"You- you remember?" Steve stuttered.

"I do to some degree. I remember when I told you that I loved you." Bucky started. He knew he had to tell Steve what he recently remembered to prove to him that he really did know. That he really did remember. "I was about to hook up with some girl outside in an alleyway but I couldn't get you out of my mind. I wanted you so bad for so long until it finally came to a head. Couldn't concentrate on her and couldn't get it up. That's when I knew I had to tell you."

Steve went wide eyed and his sobs quieted. "You never told me that."

Bucky nodded. "You had a date that night, too, and I was so jealous. Stevie, you don't know how much I wanted you. So when my date went to shit and yours ended, I told you. And then you kissed me."

Steve was stunned. "That's right.. I thought I was dreaming at first because I felt the same for you and I didn't think.. I didn't think it could ever happen."

"But It did.. and that's how I know that I was never angry at you and I'm not now. Shit, Steve, you carried this all on your own for so long, let it go, ba- baby."

"It's ok, Buck. You don't need to force anything.. and I'm sorry but this guilt will be with me forever. I really really loved you."

Bucky shook his head. "And you said you still do. Give us a new chance."

Steve hugged Bucky with his arms around his neck. He closed his eyes and breathed in Bucky's scent like he's done so many times already.

With another sniffle, Steve let go and cleared his throat. Then Bucky did another unexpected action. He lifted his hand and put it to Steve's cheek, wiping away a stray tear with his thumb.

It was strange, holding Steve. Really strange. But It wasn't unwanted.

"Don't cry." Bucky offered.

"I want to be here. I want to stay. Don't be upset." Bucky tried to get through Steve's tears and eventually they slowed.

Steve knew Bucky was telling the truth. Bucky turned himself in after all and Steve remembered the moment he decided to not go back to hydra or run.

_ "No, Bucky. If you go back to Hydra, and they see you failed?" Steve reminds him. They could torture him, kill him. _

_ "So you suggest I kill you then?" _

_ Steve wasn't sure if that was supposed to be a joke or not but he didn't think Bucky was quite the joking type at this point.. _

_ "Ugh, no! What I'm saying is that if you go back there, they could seriously hurt you. They could kill you!" Steve reasoned, trying to get Bucky to at least not return to that hell as he had been trained to return to every time. _

_ In an even smaller voice, "They could wipe you and then you'd never know me again." _

_ At this, Bucky looked up and took a step closer. _

_ "I will always know you, Steve." he assured, reaching out and touching Steve's cheek. Steve leaned into the touch. _

_ "Stay with me." Steve blurted. There was a long silence after that. Steve could hear his and Bucky's breathing. Bucky pulled away and started looking around. _

_ "What are you doing?" came Steve's confused voice. _

_ "Do you have a screwdriver? Any kind of strong metal?" Bucky asked. _

_ "I.. Yeah, why?"  _

_ Steve went to fetch the only tool kit he had and handed it to Bucky. _

_ "There is a tracker in my arm. It must be removed if I am to stay here." he grunted, grabbing one of the screwdrivers and shoving it between two of the metal plates. Steve winced at the sight even though Bucky could feel no pain in that arm. It was a struggle, using a metal not nearly as strong as what was in Bucky's arm, but somehow he made it work and pried a hole open right above where the tracking device was placed. With less than careful fingers, Bucky simply reached in and ripped it out, growling at the sheer force it took. Steve was in awe. _

_ After Bucky jammed the plates back in place (it would require some maintenance at the soonest possible time), he stood up, device in his flesh hand. He switched it to his metal hand and Steve still stood by as Bucky crushed it to pieces. _

Steve was so fucking tired of saving the world. He didn't know when he could actually make himself say it out loud but he wasn't sure he wanted to be Captain America anymore.

Bucky's close presence to Steve made Steve feel gently aroused and this permission of sorts to act how he really feels inside as opposed to denying his needs for those of the "greater good."  With Bucky, Steve was allowed to make mistakes, be sexual, be everything that's within him that wouldn't be acceptable to the public. That included being selfish, an emotion that had to be balanced.

"Are you happy, Steve?" Bucky asked quietly as they went to lay together in bed.

"Captain America saves lives, he-"

"No." Bucky cut him off. "I asked if _you_ were happy."

"I- I don't know." Steve admitted.

Suddenly, Steve didn't feel as warm but Bucky stayed quiet, allowing Steve to collect his thoughts. "To be honest? No. I haven't been. Not since.." Steve trailed off, heart clenching at the memory.

"Buck, I thought you died. You were my world, my everything. Then when I woke up from the ice and you still weren't with me, I just, I don't know. I tried to keep busy but I could never move on."

Bucky pulled Steve impossibly closer and nodded slightly.

"I'm sorry." Bucky murmured. Steve rubbed his face in Bucky's hair and sighed. They laid like that for several minutes.

"Do your friends know?"

Steve turned his head back and forth. "No. They don't. They can't know my heart isn't in it anymore. They need me." Steve sighed.

Bucky rubbed the back of Steve's neck and took to comforting him. "You don't want to be Captain America anymore, do you?" Bucky asked rhetorically, already knowing.

"I have to be." Steve replied sadly.

"That's still not what I asked."

"I-I.."

Steve didn't know if he could say it.

"I can't." Steve finally decided on. "I mean, I can't say it."

"You know, you don't owe this world a damn thing. You give 'em everything you had and all they want is more, more, more." Bucky grubmled.

"But Buck, there's compassion, too. You were found innocent because you _are_ and a judge and jury saw that." Steve reminded him.

Bucky let out a pained sigh.

"There isn't enough of that. You gave up everything during the war and it's like they own you. I know what it's like to be owned and buddy, It ain't good."

"I'm not owned, Bucky." Steve huffed.

"Yeah?" Bucky countered. "If you were to disappear, to just leave without telling Stark or anyone else, would they leave you alone? Or track you down like an animal?" The more Bucky talked, the more angry he became.

"That's different! They would think something is wrong, that something happened to me."

"Fair enough. But what if you did tell them then? Would they respect your wishes?"

Steve didn't have anything to say. He'd like to think that his friends would respect him and give him space if he needed it or even let him quit, but deep down he had a feeling It wouldn't be that easy.

"SHIELD and this world owns you, Stevie, and the only difference is, you _don't know it."_

Bucky had to will his metal hand to unclench while Steve felt a tiny spark course through him at Bucky's use of his nickname 'Stevie.'

"I just want to help people and this is the only way I can do it effectively." Steve explained, vigor slowly fading.

"You won't admit it to me, and that's fine, but at least admit it to yourself. It's ok to be tired. It's ok."

Was Bucky right? Was he a slave? I mean, it was nothing like what Hydra did to Buck of course but did Steve really have the freedom to leave? To live life how he wanted? To stop killing? He felt a little sick in his stomach when he wasn't certain right away.

"Can I touch you? Is that ok?" Steve whispered. Again, Bucky nodded.

Steve faced the former assassin and tucked his hair behind his ears and kissed his cheek. It tore at his heart to see Bucky in this state. It's true, he's a shell of the man he once was. That didn't matter to Steve, though. He would love Bucky heart and soul no matter what form he took. Everything they had been through, both separately and together, had only fortified their bond, Steve thought as far. Steve couldn't imagine a world where he didn't love Bucky. Or not be attracted to him. Despite the changes and the scars, the arm, Steve still felt as attracted to him as he always had been, maybe even more so. Bucky's hair was long now, and Steve really liked that, too.

"Steve?" Bucky mumbled.

"Mmm?" Steve hummed, still playing with Bucky's hair. It was so soft now that it was washed.

"I'm sorry I tried to kill you."

Steve couldn't help but chuckle because the sentence out loud sounded ridiculous although true.

"It's not funny, Steve. What if I succeeded?"

"You didn't-"

"But If I did?"

"Oh, I don't know, Bucky. Just enjoy the moment." Steve was annoyed.

"I just. I thought about running away, you know. I thought about it again recently."

"What? Why?" Steve asked, not having a clue that Bucky thought that way the last couple of weeks.

"I just- I. I don't know." Bucky admitted.

"Then why do it? Why? It's been seventy years, Bucky. Seventy fucking years. Do you know what it was like for me? I didn't crash that plane for fun. Wake up, Bucky. I crashed it because.. because I thought that death was better than a life without you." Steve was getting angry, frustrated with Bucky's inability to just let them be happy for once in their life.

Bucky had no come back, no angry outburst. He was quiet, both him and Steve with tears in their eyes. He was hurting deeply, too.

"Running is the only way I know how to protect you." Bucky finally spoke up.

Steve put his hand softly on Bucky's cheek, the anger draining.

"No more, Bucky. No more running. We stand together and then we _live_ together." Steve murmured. Steve then took Bucky's flesh wrist and kissed the inside of it sweetly. Bucky felt a shot of affection surge throughout his body, a slight twitch to his cock, a squeeze to his heart and a wave of slow motion to his brain.

Bucky wanted to say something. He wanted to comfort Steve. He just didn't know the words. Changing the subject would be easier and Bucky thought that they already knew the other was hurting enough.

"Show me the city tomorrow? I can't be in big crowds too long but we could just go out for a bit. Show me what's changed?"

"We can do that, sure. What do you think about catching up on some Disney movies? I can make us something to eat and we can talk or relax for a bit."

"I wouldn't know the first thing about any Disney movies these last few decades." Bucky said, starting to rub Steve's arm for comfort. It was grounding to touch Steve. It was safe.

"It's changed a lot." Steve noted. "Animation isn't done by hand drawing anymore, Buck. It's all computer graphics now."

"I figured as much. Hows their live action?"

Steve thought for a moment. "It's pretty good but I like animated ones best. We can watch whatever, though. Tony hooked me up with unlimited Netflix."

"I could go for some food." and as if on cue, Bucky's stomach rumbled.

"I could make you a sandwich with a roll instead of regular bread. Mayo, turkey, cheese, pickles."

"Yeah, that. Everything."

The two got up and Bucky went to the tv, loading up Steve's Netflix. He was still getting used to this decade but he did learn a few things. Steve went to work on fixing them both supper and listened to the sounds Bucky was casually making, milling around by the tv.

"How about the three musketeers? Think this one is from the nineties?" Bucky bit his lip in thought and shrugged.

"Whatever you want is fine. It's not like I had much time to catch up on any of those either."

Bucky started it and then paused it right away to wait for Steve to join him.

"Damn. I forgot to ask. How is your stomach doing? I can always make something else."

"It's getting better. Can't have anything too sugary or sweet yet but most things are fine."

"Just tell me if you don't feel well. Promise?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, yeah. Now hurry up and sit down." Bucky playfully scold.

Steve hurried and plated their food, walking over to the couch. He handed Bucky his plate and sat close to him. He was determined to not let things get weird even though they were trying to keep their rekindled relationship relatively slow.

Bucky pressed play and tucked into his sandwich. "This is good." Bucky said with a mouthful.

"Don't talk with your mouth full. Jerk." Steve was smiling.

Bucky swallowed then said, "Learn how to take a compliment. Sheesh." and like that there was an air of lightness between them.

They ate in amicable silence and half way into the film, Steve swayed to the side and leaned his head on Bucky's shoulder. "I'm happy you're here."

"Me, too." Bucky replied, putting his arm around Steve. Steve snuggled in. It really felt like steps were being taken in the right direction and both of them were happier because of it.

"Buck?" Steve asked hesitantly.

"Mmm?"

"Can I kiss you?"

Bucky looked down at him and nodded.

Steve face came up slow and as did his breaths. Bucky even moved to meet him half way and their lips connected in a sweet grace. It was like a warm spark for Bucky.

 Slow like a thick honey slipping off the lips of the one your heart aches for, melting ice on the burning sun.

The kiss deepened to which tongues lapped at each other, curious. Their foreheads pressed up against each other, a gentle but definite stirring in Steve's pants and a small twitch in Bucky's own.

"Buck." Steve gasped as they pulled apart for air. 

"Steve, I don't know, I'm not.." Bucky trailed off.

"No, no It's all fine. We don't have to do anything else." Steve assured, content with what they have. It was fragile- Bucky was fragile. They maybe have jumped into something too prematurely but It was too late now to go back and Steve was selfish and wouldn't even want to.

Bucky looked away. "It's not that I don't want to. I told you I'm attracted to you, Steve. I want to be with you.

"Bucky, you don't need to apologize and you don't owe me anything, not even an explanation." Steve reassured, hand on Bucky's shoulder.

"But I do. If we're together then It's gotta be fair to both of us. It's not fair to you If I don't say.. say what's in my head."

Steve ended up agreeing. "You're right. You're right, Bucky. Tell me what you want to say."

"I just wanna say that you aren't doing anything wrong. You still think you're so guilty for everything we do or don't do. It's ok, Stevie. I want this. I want you," Bucky was clear, really clear for the first time. "I like kissin' you and bein' with you. I don't mind when we have sex but just.. just not now."

Steve's hand moved from Bucky's shoulder to his cheek. "Of course, Sweetheart."

Steve stopped himself from worrying about using the pet name. He had to trust Bucky.

Bucky placed his hand on Steve's, that was still on his cheek.

It was something else that Bucky was still surprising Steve. Bucky took Steve's hand and then kissed his palm with so much tenderness. Steve had to swallow down tears. He was so madly and stupidly in love with this man. Every thread of his being screamed 'Bucky.'

The next morning, Steve and Bucky woke up early so they had the full day to walk around Brooklyn and some of Manhattan. It had been so long.

"Remember there used to be a strip of fruit stands here? And you stole that apple from Mr Gavorney's stand?" Steve asked, laughing a little at the memory. Now, there was just a row of closed metal doors to stores that had been bought and sold ten fold since the two had lived there.

"I.. I don't." Bucky sadly said. Steve frowned.

"Well, I guess my point is that so much has changed, you know." Steve tried to amend but he hoped one day Bucky would remember small things like that.

They kept walking, and Steve tried his best to herd Bucky to the less crowded streets.

"There's Mrs Reid's bookstore. Yeah, It's still here. Her grandson runs it now." Steve points.

"I think.. I think I remember. A little."

"Sometimes you would buy me a book from there and read to me while I was sick in bed." Steve expanded, hoping to help fill him in.

"Yes.. I think I do remember. I think I turned down a date to read to you once."

"You did? Buck, you didn't have to."

"Steve, I had to have really cared about you. You shouldn't feel guilty about it if we had something real."

Again, Steve's guilt. Steve wanted to fight it and make it go away. He knew it would kill anything he's built and is currently building with Bucky if he didn't let it go. He just didn't know how or if he ever really truly could.

"I was really sick and small back then. You were, God, Buck. You were every girl and guys dream. I thought you could do better than me." Steve said with a shrug.

"You need to let this shit go, Steve. Even if I don't remember, you gotta do it for you. You know if I loved you back then, and I think I did, so won't you allow me to feel the way I felt? We keep talking in circles about this, baby. Please."

Steve didn't know what to say. For someone as tortured and lost as Bucky, Bucky was still right. Bucky seemed to be right about a lot of things these days.

Bucky pulled Steve into a tight hug and a small sob escaped the blonde.

They were doing a lot of crying these last few months for grown men.

"My therapist says It's ok to cry. It helps you heal." Bucky spoke low to Steve's ear as he rubbed his back.

"I promise I'll try harder." Steve sniffled.

"Alright.. now let's keep going. We still need to catch the subway to Manhattan."

Bucky wasn't sure he could manage being in Manhattan but he still wanted to give it a good try. Steve was there with him if he suddenly panicked. Steve would make it better.

The two made their way on the subway, Bucky subtly clinging to Steve. It was a rush of controlled chaos and already Bucky was nervous. Steve seemed to noticed because he leaned into Bucky's ear and whispered, "You're doing real good, Buck."

Somehow, Bucky held it together as they entered the city and only started to really feel it when they reached street level.

The traffic was intense today, and it was loud. Bucky tried not to panic as he withdrew himself from Steve's soothing personal space. His eyes darted from one side of the street to the other, back around every tree and person.

"You ok there?" Steve asked, noticing Bucky's change in demeanor.

Bucky gave a nervous smile. "Y-Yeah.. I think."

"We could always stop. Here, there's a bench, let's sit." Steve helped them over to the wooden bench and sat down.

"I thought I'd be able to do this." Bucky grumbled, annoyed with himself.

"You _are_ doing it, Bucky. Just look where you are." Steve motioned with his hand to show the busy scene of New York in front of them.

Bucky rubbed his sweaty palms on his knees and took a breath.

"I wanted to do more than just sit as soon as we got here."

Steve sighed gently. "You're being way too hard on yourself. It's not easy. Most people wouldn't even be able to even _think_ about going outside after what you've been through." Steve calmly reasoned.

Bucky finally looked up at him for confirmation in Steve's face to match his words.

"Really." Steve added.

"So, what do we do now?" Bucky was at a loss, feeling out of his element.

"Well," Steve started. "I know we have some unsweetened lactose free ice cream back home and a hairbrush that's been lonely."

Bucky smiled at that. "I like that plan."

The trip home was uneventful and that's a win alone by Steve and Bucky's standard. The day was a win anyway, had there been a problem. Bucky walked a little more about Brooklyn and made it to Manhattan. Steve was fucking proud.

"So, we got vanilla, chocolate and cherry flavor." Steve listed off, head in the freezer.

"Vanilla." Bucky chose.

"Vanilla it is." and Steve took the tub out and then a giant spoon. He never did this with Bucky before. He brushed his hair before, yes, but never made a kind of activity out of it. 

Bucky sat on the floor in front of the couch and Steve bent down to hand him the cold tub and spoon before dashing off to get the wooden hairbrush.

When Steve came back, he turned the tv on for them and sat on the couch, his legs open where Bucky leaned back.

"Want me to put it in a bun after?" Steve asked before brushing.

"Mmmm yeah, alright." Bucky decided, flipping through the channels. There were a few World War Two movies on (Pearl Harbor, Downfall, Saving Private Ryan) but there was no way he felt like watching those. Then he came upon Kitchen Nightmares.

"Love this show." Bucky told Steve, putting the volume up a little. He got some tv watching in when Steve was gone and he particularly liked this show.

Steve was once again gentle with his brush strokes, taking to it like it was a job he would do the rest of his life. He had only hoped.

"Hows that feel, Buck?" Steve checked in.

"Ugh, this is great, Stevie." and Bucky tucked into the ice cream. Steve chuckled a little.

"Can you imagine if I was on that show? I'd be yelled at so much!" Steve joked, referring to his inability to even boil water in the kitchen.

"You kidding? You wouldn't even be able to _make_ the show!" Bucky exclaimed.

"Yeah, guess your right about that. I'm pretty rotten in the kitchen." Steve admitted.

Bucky's hair was getting soft but also a little oily. They would have to wash it tomorrow.

"Gonna have to wash your hair tomorrow." Steve said, kissing the top of Bucky's head.

"Could you do it? I liked when you did it last time."

Bucky couldn't have been any sweeter or cuter.

"I sure can. But watch out Buck, I might just braid It if you keep talking during the show."

Bucky turned, "You wouldn't" he said, mocking offense.

Steve smirked. "I make no promises."

Bucky jumped up and pinned Steve to the couch, both laughing happily.

"I could shave your head in the middle of the night!" Bucky playfully threatened.

"I'd like to see you try!"

The laughing soon transformed into kissing, Bucky initiating most of it, feeling happy and comfortable. Steve slipped his arms around his waist, holding him close, exploring Bucky's mouth. Bucky tasted sweet and warm and it made him shiver.

Steve was glowing by the time they parted, smile on his lips. "You're beautiful, Buck."

Bucky blushed. "You haven't really seen my arm."

Steve held Bucky on his lap and nuzzled his neck. "Honey, you're beautiful to me no matter what scars or insecurities you have." he was genuine.

"But you haven't seen it. It's.. It's ugly." Bucky looked away and Steve took his fingers and lifted Bucky's chin to meet his eyes again.

"I could never think you're ugly. Never." Steve swore, serious expression, no sign of playfulness. He wanted to tell Bucky again how much he loved him. How crazy he was about his best guy. How there was nothing in this world that could ever change that. It was too much too soon to keep saying it. Steve had said it enough and it would just be overwhelming and pressuring to Bucky if he kept it up.

"I'll show you one of these days. I mean, really show you." Bucky whispered, lips slightly curved upwards at the corners.

"Of course I'd love to see all of you but I'm perfectly happy with whatever your comfortable with."

Bucky hugged Steve around his neck, not knowing how he got so damn lucky. How is this man real?

"Someday." Bucky whispered. Steve just held him tighter.

All of a sudden, Gordon Ramsay started yelling on the tv again which sent them back into laughter.

"Oh my God, Stevie, we're weird," Bucky chuckled.

Steve shrugged. "We're good enough for me."

That's how it stayed for the next month. A lot of kissing, cuddling, laughing. Bucky's chest felt more open than ever. During missions, Steve always texted Bucky. Always. At the very least just to let him know when he's getting home.

Bucky made himself useful while Steve was gone. He cleaned their house and even took a three-day learning block of video's about elephants. He didn't know why, he just liked them. Next, Bucky wanted to learn about space.

"Hey, Buck, I'm back." Steve announced tiredly. He looked exhausted after being gone for five days. He never wanted to leave Bucky longer than a day ever again but they had a good talk about it and once again he was convinced that Bucky would be ok while he was gone. And he was.

"Steve," Bucky answered, getting up from the couch and strolling over to him. Bucky took the shield from Steve and set it down.

"You been ok? Everything is good?" was the first thing Steve wanted to know.

And that was Steve. Taking care of everyone but himself.

"Yeah, I'm fine, but you look like you've been through it." Bucky noted, taking Steve's mask and gloves next.

"Well, I'm not going to lie. It was really rough out there this time." Steve sighed.

"I can make us dinner, potato stew with vegetables in a nice thick sauce." Bucky offered.

"Since when did you become Chef Ramsay?" Steve joked.

"I just looked up a few recipes and thought I could make us something. Want to take a shower while I start it?"

"Yeah Sure."

As Steve passed the couch, he noticed the wet spot there. He knew Bucky was still having accidents and he changed the sheets every time without mentioning it so he wouldn't embarrass Bucky. He wondered if there was something he or Bucky could do differently.

"Hey, Buck. Um, can we talk about something?"

Steve bit his lip.

Bucky already got the ingredients out. "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine. Nothing like that. I wanted to ask you if you wanted to talk to me about.. um, talk to me about your issue. Ah, you know, when we wake up every morning."

Bucky turned red and immediately went defensive.

"What do you want me to say, Steve? Yeah, I pissed the fuckin' couch. I said it. Happy? If you don't wanna change the sheets anymore for our bedroom I could sleep in the living room. You could have just to-"

"Whoa, whoa! Back up there. That's not what I mean at all. Let me finish." Steve interrupted before Bucky could rant himself into some angry tizzy. "Firstly," Steve began. "I'm not bothered by it. I'm really not. I don't mind changing the sheets in the morning and I hardly even think about it."

Bucky crossed his arms. "Then why are you bringing it up?"

"Because I want to know if there's something I can do or something we can both do differently. Is it because of the nightmares?"

"Steve, fuck." Bucky ran a hand through his hair.

"I know. I know you don't want to talk about this, and I wouldn't want to either. But let me help you, Bucky."

"Talk to me." Steve pleaded.

Bucky scoffed, rolling his eyes. "And say what exactly?"

"Is it the nightmares?" Steve tries again, gently pressing.

Bucky swallows hard. "Sometimes, but not all the time,"

Steve nods understandingly. "Sit down, honey."

Bucky doesn't want this conversation to happen but it is. So he sits.

"Is it just when we go to bed at night or is it every time you fall asleep?"

"I- I don't.. It happens whenever I fall asleep but not every single time. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"They make special underwear these days for people with similar issues as you and-"

Bucky shook his head abruptly. "No. Abso-fucking-lutely not. No way in hell I'm wearin' a diaper." Bucky growled.

"Bucky, that's not what It is!"

"Then do tell me, Steven." Bucky goaded, arms crossed.

"It's.. It's underwear." Steve stuttered. He knew he was backed into a corner on this one.

"Exactly. Underwear for people to piss in. A fucking diaper."

"Have you told your therapist?" Steve tried a different tactic.

"No, and I ain't gonna either."

"Alright, alright. I'm just concerned about you. I want you to be comfortable with me in our bed and not have to worry about that every time."

"I'll figure it out ok? Now can we please stop talking about this?" snapped Bucky, clearly over this.

"Alright, I'm sorry." Steve apologized.

Bucky already knew what he had to do. It wasn't until Steve was on his next mission a week later did he have the opportunity.

Bucky wore layers and a baseball cap and made his way to a far away cvs. He didn't want to go to one too close and be seen again. He made his way to the the tampon and pad isle, wanting to just die. walking a little further down, he saw the adult underwear. Most of it was for women until he found one brand that had one for men. Bucky quickly snatched it up and went to pay.No one had to know, Bucky thought walking back. Not even Steve.. although realistically, he knew that Steve would need to know eventually. He was ashamed, frustrated and angry with his body. His stupid fucking bladder.

Bucky was angry, tired. He wanted Steve. Fuck, he missed Steve. Bucky's stomach clenched in revolt and panic prickled at the back of his neck. Bucky gripped the bag in his hand tighter and tried to walk more. He was getting a panic attack and had to get home before he lost it.

It was getting more difficult to breathe and he soon became dizzy, reaching for his phone in his pocket with his shaking flesh hand.

The phone rang twice before, "Bucky?"

"Steve," Bucky forced out.

"Bucky? What's wrong?" worry already setting into Steve's voice.

"Think.. I'm having a panic attack. Chest feels real tight."

"Alright, baby. Breathe. Breathe for me, Bucky. Nice and slow, in and out."

It took nearly a half hour but eventually all became well again and Bucky made it back. It didn't surprise Bucky when Steve arrived home a day early.

"Buck!" Steve gasped, running to him and holding him tightly. "Oh my god, I've been so worried about you."

Bucky hugged Steve back. "I made it, Stevie. I'm ok."

Steve nuzzled Bucky's hair and closed his eyes. "I'm here now, Bucky. I'm here." Steve promised, giving him one last squeeze before letting go.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have taken you away from your mission."

"No," Steve shook his head. "You didn't take me away from anything. I told you to call me if anything, didn't I? I'm just..I'm happy and relieved that you believed me and trusted me when I said it. Thank you."

Bucky smiled a little. "I _do_ trust you, Steve. With everything."

Steve finally started taking his gear off before he wondered out loud, "What were you doing out there so late anyway?"

Bucky gulped. "I.. I.."

"You aren't in trouble are you?" Steve added quickly.

"No, I'm not in trouble at all."

Steve gently put his hands on either side of Bucky's face.

"You can tell me, Bucky. You can _always_ tell me." Steve whispered sincerely.

Bucky searched Steve's eyes and saw nothing but love.

"I went.. I went.." 

"You went?" Steve repeated gently.

"To get some of those.. adult diapers." Bucky finally ground out, red faced and embarrassed. He had to look away. Steve kissed his cheek in understanding.

"Ok. Well, I'm home now. I'm here." Steve reassured again, thinking it best to let it go and stop grilling Bucky since Bucky came clean about something so private.

Bucky feels so much better when Steve is home. The more time he spends with Steve, the more he cares. The more he wants.

"I'm going to get changed into some sweats. I'll be right back." and with another quick kiss, Steve goes to their bedroom. Bucky wants to follow him, to help him undress and to kiss him all over. Bucky wants to kiss his neck and his shoulders and chest. His cock gives an interested twitch in his pants and he takes one step forward towards their room. He doesn't know where this is coming from. Bucky takes another step and then another when Steve steps out of their room.

"I'm going to just throw some clothes in the wash. Did you want to make dinner or should I just order something?"

That shook Bucky from his daze. "Oh, uh. We could order something. Thai?"

"Yeah, it's been a while since we had that." Steve nods, going to the washing machine with an armful of laundry. Bucky watched Steve's ass as he went, not being able to stop.

Another twinge of arousal moved through Bucky as he thought about Steve naked when Steve was on the phone, placing their order. He wanted to feel closer to Steve. He wanted to make Steve feel good and he felt this surge of possessiveness, not wanting anyone else to know Steve the way he does or to touch Steve the way he does and eventually will.

Bucky was starting to get hard but his arousal wilted once he thought of himself pissing the bed. Yeah, going a little further for the first time was _real_ romantic after having to wake up in cold piss a few hours later. Bucky looked down and his heart fell in his chest. Sure, his diaper would prevent Steve from getting wet but Bucky himself would be sitting in it.

Steve must have noticed the sad look on his face when he said, "Buck? Honey, what's wrong?"

Steve probably asked that question a million times a day every day. Bucky was sick of it.

"I'm fucking fine, Steve! I'm a grown man, I don't need you fucking asking me if I'm ok every five seconds!" Bucky snapped. He got up and went out, slamming the front door behind him.

Steve was stunned.  He didn't go after Bucky or call after him because these last few months he learned that sometimes Bucky needed space and It also gave him an opportunity to cope with Bucky's mood swings. Things were getting better, that wasn't an illusion, however sometimes days were a roller coaster. There would be some days where Bucky would want to be held and coddled and other days where he would tell Steve to fuck off and mind his own business. He didn't know what Bucky he would get. This was something else he had to discuss with him and maybe pitch it as a hint to Bucky's therapist as something to help him with. Steve didn't even know if it was his place to do that but he thought It would be worth a shot.

Bucky still took to smoking. He liked it. It helped him think, or so he thought. Honestly, he didn't mean to lash out at Steve. He looked upset and Steve noticed. It wasn't Steve's fault. Bucky exhaled a puff of smoke and rubbed the back of his neck. Last week at the psychologist, It was suggested that Bucky had a lot of pent up sexual tension within him. It was Bucky's fear that was holding him back, according to Dr Zambrana. Fear of Steve rejecting him, fear revolving around insecurities about his body, and she probably would have also added fear of pissing himself the next morning had she known about it. Bucky thought it was straight up bullshit and that he was just broken. That changed when the sexual itch became harder to ignore recently.

He knew he owed Steve an apology.

"Steve, I'm sorry. It wasn't you." Bucky practiced to himself.

"No, that's, that's stupid." he shook his head. "Steve, It wasn't your fault." he tried again.

Nothing he said out loud sounded like enough. Nothing he said seemed like It would make anything better. He huffed to himself, stubbed out the cigg.

Steve looked up at him when he entered their house again.

"I'm sorry, Bucky."

Bucky held up his hand.

"No, No wait. I'm sorry, Steve. I shouldn't have gone at you like that."

"It's ok. I worry a lot. You know me," Steve said with a small, self deprecating smile.

"It's not your fault." Bucky ran a hand through his hair. "I got some issues."

"Whatever it is, we can work through it. Do you need space? Is that it?" Steve was so sweet, desperate to make things right. Bucky hated it.

"No, It's fine. I.. my therapist says I have.. built up sexual tension." Bucky relayed to Steve.

"And do you?" Steve followed up, not missing a beat.

"Yes." and there it was. No stuttering, no frills, just one simple and honest word.

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you." despite Steve saying so, he still turned red. It was adorable.

Bucky ruffled his own hair. "I just figured this out."

"Do you.. ah, do you want me to touch you?"

"Shit. Steve. Let it happen when it happens."

For two weeks nothing about Bucky's accidents or sexual issues had been addressed again. Steve knew Bucky would come to him in his own time.

Bucky felt like he was ready to show Steve his arm. He wanted to do it and there was no way they could progress physically If it didn't happen. They were getting ready for bed, Steve about to put his book aside and turn out the light.

"Steve, wait." Bucky cautioned, taking Steve's wrist.

"I'm ready to show you my arm." he clarified.

Slowly Bucky stripped off his shirt and sat there, unable to look at Steve's reaction. Steve was awed and gently grazed his fingers over the scarred flesh. Despite them being old, the scars were tough and the grooves were raised.

"Does It hurt?" Steve asked, just above a whisper.

"Nah."

Steve continued to lightly touch the skin between flesh and metal and then closed his eyes and kissed it. Bucky gasped.

"You're so beautiful." Steve told Bucky, just as he said times before. This moment was intimate and brought new life to the small sentence.

Steve kissed Bucky's scars again and this time let his lips linger. Bucky held his breath, overcome by emotion. Carefully hooking his fingers under Steve's chin, he brought Steve's lips up to meet his own in a chaste kiss. One kiss turned into two, turned into three. Bucky moaned a little in Steve's mouth as his dick started to stiffen.

"Steve." Bucky gasped, relishing the feeling of Steve's lips kissing down his neck, nipping every so often. Steve was turned on, too, looking Bucky in the eye. 

"Can I touch you, Buck?"

Bucky nodded, "Yes. Please."

Soon, Bucky felt Steve's large hand pressing against his crotch, palming him from the outside of his sweatpants.

"You're hard already, baby?" Steve panted lightly, rubbing at Bucky's dick, giving Bucky the warm friction that drove him greedy for more.

"Mmm want you." Bucky breathed, feeling a slow heat spread throughout his body. He grabbed for Steve's shirt and growled when he got a good look at Steve's glorious naked chest. His Steve took his breath away.

Steve pressed on top of Bucky as they continued to kiss and Bucky's hands roamed to Steve's ass. It was firm and comfortable to grip, It made Bucky dizzy. Steve went to kissing Bucky's pecs, lapping at each nipple. No biting, no pain, just pure love.

"Oh, fuck!" Bucky exclaimed, feeling such pleasure as Steve worked each pink bud into his mouth. Bucky was rock hard and he rut his hips up against Steve's involuntarily. Steve smiled.

"I'm going to take care of you, Buck."

Steve's tongue went to the other nipple and Bucky breathed out another "fuck."

 Slowly, Steve stripped out of his clothes, except his boxers, leaving them in a pile on the floor. In the dim light, Bucky watched him carefully, tongue coming out to lick his lower lip unconsciously. His eyes were glued to Steve's body, drinking him in like an exotic punch.

Steve almost jumped when Bucky suddenly sat up. He wanted to ask Bucky what was wrong but then Bucky was there, crashing his lips into Steve's, his hard-on straining in his underwear.

"Have to have you." Bucky mumbled, continuing to kiss Steve hard and desperate. He laid further on his back and pulled Steve more on top of him, Steve rutting his hips against Bucky's, his cock slightly painful from the friction against Bucky's sweatpants. On the Winter Soldier, the fabric was restricting, annoying. Bucky had decades of that and was sick of it. Steve seemed to know exactly what he needed because Steve had loosened the drawstring to Bucky's bottoms.

"Better?" Steve asked, panting into Bucky's mouth. Bucky could only nod before kicking them off of himself. Steve knew better than to push Bucky for things he wasn't ready for and made no attempt to remove his or Bucky's underwear. 

"Fucking.." Bucky paused to swallow, his arousal making him heat up. "Jerk me off, Stevie. Wanna feel your hand."

Steve kissed his cheek, squeezing Bucky's balls through his underwear. "Don't worry, I got you."

"You.. you were always the one..?" Bucky wasn't sure if that was a statement or a question but it didn't matter. Bucky sat there, only slowly catching on to what it all meant.

He was getting it. "You're my soulmate." Bucky whispered to the body in his arms, knowingly, confidently. Steve let out a laugh of relief and wiped his eyes.

The blond slipped his hand beneath the band of Bucky's boxers and felt Bucky, hard against his belly.

"And you're mine." Steve answered, giving Bucky's cock a little stroke.  Steve wanted to make Bucky come until he was dryer than the Sahara Desert.  After reaching down a little and giving Bucky's balls another squeeze, he got to work.

Bucky was mostly quiet except for his heavy breathing and occasional groan. At first, Steve thought he was doing something wrong until Bucky reached down and pushed Steve's hand back on his aching cock.

Steve smirked and spread the pre-come that was accumulating on the tip of Bucky's cock down his shaft and on his balls; everywhere where Steve's hand would go to make a nice, slick, easy interaction. When Steve looked at Bucky again, Bucky's eyes were closed and his mouth was agape. He looked like he was enjoying it tremendously.

The heat started building deep in Bucky's stomach and was on his way to the point of no return.

"Oh, Steve, that's fuckin' good." Bucky complimented. Steve really liked playing with Bucky's balls. They were so full and large and he bet Bucky was holding massive amounts of come. Steve shivered, his own cock starting to dribble a little at that thought alone.

"If you don't mind me asking, when was the last time you had an orgasm?" Steve inquired, resuming his kissing on Bucky's neck.

"D-don't remember. Before I was the Soldier, I think.. wasn't allowed to get off when Hydra owned me."

Steve's heart felt soggy in his chest despite how turned on he was.

"M'close" Bucky warned, snapping Steve from his reverie.

"That's right, It's ok to let go, honey." 

Bucky felt his balls draw up tight and his cock shot his thick load completely covering Steve's hand, wrist and his belly and boxers. Bucky's vision whited out and he came so hard with a force he didn't know he had in him. Steve slowed his ministrations as Bucky came but he continued to squeeze and milk him for every drop. It was like the small hole in the tip of Bucky's cock wasn't nearly big enough to accommodate how much semen was being rapidly pumped out. His back arched right off the bed and his face scrunched up in a loud scream.

Seconds felt like minutes as Bucky finally stopped coming and became boneless and sweaty against Steve.

"Steve.. holy shit.. I never.. I.. you." Bucky couldn't even get the words out properly.

"Shh. No need to talk, catch your breath," Steve instructed, taking his hand out of Bucky's underwear.

"And what about you?" Bucky questioned after a minute. He saw the large bulge in Steve's boxers and he wanted to make Steve come just like he had.

"I'm.. yeah, I'm really hard, baby. I can take care of it myself if-"

"No!" Bucky said swiftly. "I mean, no. I want to.. if you'll let me?"

Steve nodded and moved so Bucky could have room.

"Just nice and slow, honey." Steve encouraged, feeling Bucky's flesh hand against his skin, going lower. Steve was distracted for a moment by Bucky's beautiful eyes and gruff face. He could just drown in it. Everything about his love was so real and so compassionate.

Steve was taken by surprise when he felt a warm hand wrap around his cock, giving him tight strokes. Bucky liked the way Steve's cock felt in his hand and wondered if he'd always been this big and thick. He couldn't remember.

"You feel.. nice." Bucky thought out loud. 

"Could say the same about you."

Bucky let his hand explore, feeling the girth, length and weight of Steve's cock in his hand.

Steve felt his orgasm starting to rise within his body; his balls aching and his dick was throbbing hard. Bucky noticed the change in Steve's sounds, movements, and he moved his fist harder, faster, eliciting a yell of great pleasure from the blond. Bucky wanted to hear it again and again.

Steve came with a strangled cry, his neck muscles straining and his back arching. It shot up, hot and thick and endless. Steve's cock unloaded copious amounts of fluid, coating everything in his seed.

Both men were sated, chests heaving, Steve having his head on Bucky's chest. These weren't just hand jobs, It was the first sexual connection they had since he first ran into Bucky as the Soldier. It had been months. Steve hoped this was a turning point for them because he wanted to pleasure Bucky with everything he had. Bucky deserved as much.

That night, Bucky had another nightmare.

"It was just a nightmare, Buck.. you alright?" Steve hesitantly questioned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

Bucky tried to get his breathing back to normal and silently nodded.

"Can I touch you? Is that ok?" Steve whispered. Again, Bucky nodded.

Steve faced the former assassin and tucked his hair behind his ears and kissed his cheek. It tore at his heart to see Bucky in this state. It's true, he's a shell of the man he once was. That didn't matter to Steve, though. He would love Bucky heart and soul no matter what form he took. Everything they had been through, both separately and together, had only fortified their bond, Steve thought as far. Steve couldn't imagine a world where he didn't love Bucky. Or not be attracted to him. Despite the changes and the scars, the arm, Steve still felt as attracted to him as he always had been, maybe even more so. Bucky's hair was long now, and Steve really liked that, too.

In the shower, Steve vividly remembered how they touched each other the night before but those thoughts were quickly crushed with the worry about all the challenges that Bucky had to face. Steve had to have faith. He had to believe in Bucky and encourage him to keep fighting the good fight, remind him of how far he had come and now they were together after so long.

Bucky was making waffles with their waffle maker that Steve didn't even use once. He smiled when he saw Bucky plating their breakfast.

"Mornin', Buck." Steve smiled and pulled on a t-shirt. All of Steve's shirts were one to two sizes too small and Bucky would be lying if he said he didn't like that.

"I wanted to say thanks.. for uh, last night." Bucky said with a blush.

"You never have to be alone ever again, Bucky." Steve promised, sincerity written all over his features.

"I know, Steve. I know." Bucky said, serving them both in a comfortable silence.

"Blueberry?" Steve asked referring to the waffles.

"yeah, but we're out now.. need to get some more fruit and vegetables later."

"We could take a walk there later this afternoon after your therapy session if you want." Steve suggested, taking a forkful of waffle. It was delicious.

"Yeah, I'd like that.. it'd be nice to keep using fresh ingredients."

"Why don't we make this a weekly thing then? Us going to the farmers market. We could get a little fresh air, fresh food."

"That's fucking perfect, Stevie," Bucky beamed, loving the idea. It was another activity they could do together and one that Bucky was getting progressively better at. He didn't panic so much on familiar routes when he was with Steve. He liked using fresh ingredients and that meant better quality food. It was a win all around.

Routine was something they both really cherished. It was something that was strictly _theirs_. Steve shined in the 'care taking' kind of role and Bucky did most of the house keeping, especially when Steve was away. Bucky also liked to cook and read and even watch shitty tv. Steve made sure he could fulfill whatever Bucky needed. He gave him support and encouragement, affection and respect. When Bucky opened up to Steve and they started their relationship (again), Steve then took care of Bucky's physical and sexual needs as well. Whatever Bucky needed or wanted, Steve would provide.

Most days they would watch movies, cuddle, go for walks. They make out more often and Bucky seems more comfortable with Steve as time goes on. Hand jobs eventually made its way into their lives, and truly, things weren't bad. Bad days, good days, ok days; they took it all one step at a time and in stride.

Although Bucky was improving, Steve still felt burdened sometimes. Not by Bucky at all but by being Captain America, the ever lasting heavy guilt of letting Bucky fall from the train. Steve was tired inside. It came to a head when Bucky found Steve crying quietly in the bathroom one night. They both cried on the regular during their efforts and healing so seeing him like this wasn't completely out of the blue for Bucky. It didn't do a damn thing to quell Bucky's heartache at the sight. He knelt down on the floor beside Steve.

"Stevie," Bucky whispered, pulling Steve into his arms tightly. He didn't need to ask what was wrong because he knew Steve both completely tortured himself and has his fair share of emotional pain on its own. Bucky rubbed Steve's back, his arm. He didn't like seeing Steve so upset.

"Maybe you could see a therapist too." Bucky spoke softly, knowing that it would be an uphill battle in getting Steve to agree.

"N-no. I don't need one." Steve sniffled pathetically.

"Baby, you can't keep crying on the floor like this. If I needed to get help then maybe you should too. Fuck, Stevie, you're hurting so much."

"I'm fine." Steve countered, wiping his eyes.

"We both know that's not true." Bucky said, wiping away a stray tear from Steve's face.

"I'm.. I'm..Buck, I'm so damn tired." Steve confessed, another little sob escaping.

"You always tell me everything will be ok and I believe you because I know I have you to help me through. You also said we're in it together. Let me be here to help you through, too."

Steve was a little surprised Bucky really listened to him and remembered what he had said.

"I'll think about it." Steve said. He wasn't too eager to try it but he trusted Bucky and didn't want to close the idea off completely.

"Now is probably a shitty time to make any important decisions anyway. Promise you'll think about it?"

"I-I promise, Buck."

"What do you say we get off the floor and back to bed? Want me to make you some tea?" Bucky offered, helping Steve to his feet.

"No, I'm good for now. I need to get some sleep."

Bucky kissed his cheek and tucked them both into bed. He really fucking cared about Steve. So much. He didn't understand what he felt or what was going on sometimes but the slow but steady motion their relationship was going was working out well so far and even Bucky's psychologist thought that was the best course of action, too.

Bucky knew this conversation wasn't over but Steve was exhausted. Now wasn't the time. Bucky held him fell asleep curled up with him.

In the morning, Bucky groaned, immediately feeling the heavy padding between his legs soaked and saturated to the maximum with cold urine. The patches of skin on his thighs that rubbed up against the fabric, itched. He can't remember ever pissing so much over night, even his pj bottoms were a little damp.

Steve stirred. "Morning, Buck." he mumbled, voice full of sleep.

Bucky's body froze. "Steve.." 

"It's alright, baby. I was just about to get up for my run. I should have everything changed by the time you're done showering." Steve already knew and tried his best to be supportive and not make a big deal about it.

"N-no.. It's.. fuck. A lot." Bucky mumbled, face burning. Steve sat up.

"Sweetheart, I said it's ok. I mean it. Go take a shower and I'll take care of it." Steve insisted, already getting up and changing into his running clothes. Bucky got up, too, and grabbed some fresh clothes and headed to the bathroom. He knew this had to fucking stop. Then he had an idea. Maybe he could convince Steve to see a psychologist if Bucky brought up his accidents with his own therapist. It had to be approached the right way as to not push Steve into a corner and force him. Steve would be a martyr and see a psychologist when not wanting to just so Bucky could talk to his own therapist about what's been happening.

Bucky just finished eating breakfast when Steve came back from his run.

"I saved you some pancakes. How was your run?"

Steve was covered in sweat and wiped his forehead with the bottom of his shirt.

"It was good." Steve replied. "I ran about 6 miles. Usually I try for 10 but I just wanted to get back today," 

Steve took a seat at the kitchen table with a huff, starving.

"Stevie.. I think it's time I.. you know.. got help with.. you know." Bucky stumbled on his words, not knowing exactly what to say.

"Baby that's great news! You're doing the right thing." Steve smiled and devoured the breakfast that Bucky made.

"But I was thinking..If I got help for that problem, would you go and get help for yours?" Bucky asked, trying to be optimistic.

"I don't wanna tell you what to do, Stevie. You know I ain't tryin' to control you. You _know_ that. Thought maybe we could heal together." Bucky quickly added.

"Buck." Steve sighed, putting his fork down.

"Yeah?"

"I.. alright. I'll do it. See if your therapist can recommend one for me? I'll try it. For you. For us." Steve gave in.

"No, Steve. It's gotta be for you." Bucky amended.

Steve wanted to get better so he could make his time with Buck happier and healthier. Make his life better. He still didn't think he deserved the help but Bucky would say he's still wallowing in his guilt and be all the more reason to go.

"No, I want to. I wanna get better."

"I'll get a referral.. uh.. so. Are we still going on our walk today?"

Steve stood up and kissed Bucky's cheek. "Of course we are. I'm not angry at you, Buck."

Bucky considered this a small victory because Steve was good at keeping his word. He truly hoped that Steve would get the help he needed to forgive himself and find peace.

As time went on, Steve never spoke about his sessions and Bucky never asked. Steve might not have noticed but Bucky saw the small changes in Steve that seemed to make him happier. There had been far less 'bathroom breakdowns' for them both and for once Steve laughed like he really meant it. It took a few months to get there but it was worth it. For Bucky, the bed wetting slowed up. Some days during the week, he wouldn't even have an accident at all. That made Steve smile but Steve always kissed Bucky's temple in the morning regardless.

"I don't think your friends will like me." Bucky stated sadly one afternoon. It was finally time to meet the team and Bucky was nervous. He wanted to be liked. He wanted to fit in.

"Look at me, baby." Steve instructed, holding Bucky's face lovingly.

"The team are going to absolutely adore you.. and they are far from perfect themselves. They are all broken people with deep issues but somehow we all make it work." Steve explained, kissing his brow.

"We've all taken lives, and no, maybe they weren't brainwashed and tortured the same way you were but don't let that isolate you. You didn't have any choice. Even myself, I've.. I've killed innocent people too. Never meaning to but my point is that you aren't unwanted. Your intelligent, brave, strong. And I love you,"

Bucky didn't know what to say, he just hugged Steve tightly.

Bruce was the first to greet Bucky at the tower. He was a bit odd but polite. Clint was light hearted and determined. Natasha, she was deadly and self-sufficient although he sensed she was vulnerable beneath that. Sam followed Natasha and he was fit and seemingly wise. Bucky got the feeling that Sam didn't like him. Tony was the last person he met. He was arrogant, unfunny when he thought he was hilarious but Bucky couldn't deny that he was fucking brilliant as he looked around.

Everyone was nice to him although Bucky mostly hung back with Steve. When Bucky sensed his anxiety coming on, he gave Steve a nervous look and Steve just took his hand and squeezed. The gesture calmed his nerves.

"Takin' care of Cap, here?" Clint asked, patting Bucky on the side of the arm.

Sam still looked skeptical and called Steve to speak with him in private.

"I'll be just in that room. Give me five minutes." Steve said to Bucky.

"Oh please, Steve. I don't bite." Tony quipped. Natasha rolled her eyes and Steve gave Bucky one last look before following Sam into one of the confrence rooms.

"What is it Sam?" Steve asked, having a feeling of what was coming. "It's obvious you don't like him."

"It's not that I don't like him. He's just.. he's dangerous, man. Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"I didn't bring him to meet ma and pa, Sam." Steve grumbled.

"No, you brought him to meet your friends and as your friend I'm just telling you to be careful. Barnes isn't the same Barnes you remember." Sam argued, not trying to hurt Steve but save him from the pain Bucky could cause him- or worse.

"I know he's not the same. I know what he did and I know what was done to him. I still love him more than ever." Steve stated firmly.

"I know he was tortured. I saw the tape."

Steve's blood ran cold. "What tape?"

"Shit." Sam swore lowly. "I thought you knew. I thought you saw it."

Steve stepped closer. "Saw. What."

"There are a few surviving VHS tapes that had been recovered from Hydra.. ones that weren't used in his trial."

"There were more?! Jesus. Sam, I have to fucking see them. Where are they?" Steve demanded, his stomach growing tight with fear.

"Stark ha-"

Steve bolted and went right to Tony.

"Tony.  We need to talk." Steve said, pulling him into the room. Bucky was confused as he waited outside with Clint.

"Why didn't you tell me there were anymore tapes of Bucky? Where are they?" Steve growled, angry and upset.

"Steve, I couldn't do that to you. The pain you were in, it wouldn't have helped!" Tony fought back, also trying to protect his friend.

"I want to see them. Give them to me."

Tony ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "They'll be at your home by the time you get back with a VCR. Know how to use one?"

"I'll figure it out."

Steve brushed passed Tony and stood by Bucky.

"Time to head home, Buck. I have a few things to do."

"What's going on? What happened?" Bucky pressed, a little worried himself.

"I'm alright, It's just. We'll talk about it when we get home."

It took a while to get back to NY from Washington DC but Steve just wanted to go home. He was both scared and curious to see what happened to his soulmate.

"Tell me what happened, Steve. What did Sam say? And Stark?" Bucky wanted answers and he trusted Steve enough to believe he wouldn't lie to him.

"There are.. more video's of you.. from Hydra." Steve looked teary eyed.

"More than what was shown at the trial?"

Steve nodded.

Bucky held his stomach, feeling sick.

"I think.." he started before dashing to the bathroom where he threw up hard.

Steve gave him a minute of privacy and then met him when Bucky came back out, pale and trembling.

"Can I?" Steve asked quietly, reaching out.

"Yeah." Bucky whispered.

"Stevie.." Bucky whimpered. Steve hugged him tightly and kissed his hair. "Shhh, honey."

Just like that, Bucky felt weak again. Steve continued to coo to him and kiss his hair until Bucky was ready.

"Don't watch it, Steve. Please." Bucky looked wrecked in only a few minutes.

"I want to.. I need to know, Bucky. I _need_ to know."

"I don't want to be here when you do, then. I can't."

"I'm not asking you to watch it. You've been through it already and that's enough. I just... to see for myself. I have you, Bucky, and I'm never letting go."

Bucky hugged him tightly and the two embraced again, silently seeking comfort in the other.

"I'll watch it when you're at the psychologist ok?"

Steve could feel Bucky nod and kissed his cheek.

When Bucky left for his psychologist visit the next day (they were multiple times a week), he gave Steve a sad and knowing nod before he left.

"When you come home, we'll cuddle and watch a movie. A stupid comedy." said Steve, but Bucky's sad face turned into a small sad smile.

Steve's palms were sweating as he held the tape in his hands. He knew Bucky didn't want him to see what was on there but Steve had to know for his own good. He wanted to see what caused his baby so much pain.

Steve pushed in the tape and sat on the couch, bracing himself on the horrendous scenes to come.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Nothing could have prepared Steve for what he saw. The amount of times Bucky had been slapped in the face, spit on, beat- and he just stood there and took it. There was one scene where Steve almost vomited. The way Bucky was sodomized with a broom handle for fun, to see if he could take it, for punishment. Steve couldn’t believe his eyes. He didn’t think there was any worse. Until there was. The chair was the worst part of it all. Steve nearly covered his eyes but forced himself to see the horror. Hot tears were slipping down his cheeks at a rapid rate by the time the tape ended. Steve wanted to die. He should have been there to stop it. He should have killed every last Hydra agent. He felt rage. How could this happen to the love of his fucking life? Steve grit his teeth and then wailed out a primal scream, going around their apartment breaking things, turning tables over. He screamed until his throat burned raw. Steve even scared himself by his actions. He collapsed in a heap on the kitchen floor, out of breath and still crying silently. The place was a mess, getting the brunt of Steve's wrath. He knew he had explaining to do to Bucky over this.

If this is how Steve felt, he didn't want to imagine how Bucky felt. Bucky must have had a fucking angel or something since he's still alive. He wanted to grab Bucky tightly and never let go.

Steve seethed, wanting to know what else was being kept from him. The door opened and Bucky walked in, stunned.

"Buck," Steve cried, going over to Bucky as Bucky shut the door.

"I guess you saw?" Bucky asked softly, patting Steve's back.

"Oh, Buck. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I should have been there."

Bucky's eyes stung a little and they just stood there holding each other.

"I told you not to watch it, punk." Bucky whispered.

"You always used to call me that.. back before the war." Steve whimpered, the tiny ray of hope out shining the darkness surrounding him now.

"I don't remember, Stevie. I'm sorry. It just came out.. but maybe it's a subconscious thing."

Steve gave a weak, watery, smile. "That's still a good thing, Buck.. cause with-with everything.." Steve sobbed again.

"I'm sorry, Bucky. I'm so fucking sorry." Steve repeated.

"You didn't do anything, Stevie."

"That's the point, I-I should have!" Steve yelped.

"Steve, how would you have known? You were frozen for most of it. Don’t go down that road again. Don’t."

Bucky held Steve on the couch this time. He stroked Steve's stomach and tried to comfort Steve.

"Feelin' better?" asked Bucky.

"Yeah.. I'm sorry, Bucky. Look at me, playing the victim with what happened to you.."

"It's not a contest, Steve. It is what it is."

“I can’t let this go.. I’m going to find out what else is being kept from me, from us and so god help them.” Steve’s voice was calm but dripped in murderous undertones.

“No. Don’t. Let it go. I’m here now, isn’t that enough?”

Steve crossed his arms.

“Don’t put it like that, Buck. Please. Of course having you is enough. I’m only wanting to know because this is a huge horrible part of your life and how can I ever be here for you if I don’t know as much as I can?”

Bucky didn’t protest again, seeing Steve’s point of view.

Steve bit his lip and willed himself to ease up on Bucky. "You're getting scruffy." Steve whispered. Bucky took his hand and then kissed his palm.

"Like it?" Bucky smiled a little.

"Yeah, It looks real good. You always look good." Steve leaned up to kiss him and Bucky moaned into it.

"Your hair, too." Steve added, smiling wide. "So, I guess I'm going to have to start brushing it more, huh."

Bucky kissed him. "Guess so."

Steve slipped his hands under Bucky's shirt and felt his chest up as they made out in a content kind of bubble. Bucky in turn put his arms tighter around Steve's waist and let his hands slide down under Steve's underwear, his fingers resting upon the sweet, masculine mounds of Steve's rear. Steve gasped into the kiss and began kissing down Bucky's neck.

They needed each other in this moment, had to be close.

"Hold on," Steve uttered, quickly removing his pants. He left his boxers on and put Bucky's hands back to where they were. Bucky squeezed and let his fingers travel inside the crack, rubbing the outside of his Steve's hole with the pad of his finger. He really didn’t know what he was doing but it felt right.

"Oh, fuck. Bucky that feels amazing." Steve praised. Bucky wanted this so he too took off his pants. Steve dropped to his knees and looked up at Bucky with caring eyes.

"Yeah," Bucky breathed out.

"You feeling ok, honey?" Steve asked, looking at Bucky's crotch. Bucky closed his eyes. "no, no, no. Not now, please." Bucky whispered to himself. Steve stood back up and put his hand on Bucky's shoulder.

"It's ok. We don't have to do anything tonight."

Bucky felt like he was back at square one. He was ok with handjobs and kissing but now his body was giving out when he needed more. He growled in annoyance.

"It's not a big deal. It happens sometimes and it's not uncommon for that to happen to people with PTSD or even just severe anxiety." Steve pointed out kindly. He maybe or maybe not have read some pamphlets for returning war vets.

"Fuck. I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for. Stark hooked us up with movies not ready to be released yet. Wanna check those out?"

The shame and anger simmered within Bucky the rest of the night. He locked himself in the bathroom and punched the bathroom wall. His stupid fucking body. His gnarled arm, his stupid bladder and now his dick. He knew he had trouble every now and then but he didn't think it would happen with Steve. He really fucking hated himself.

"Buck?" Steve knocked on the door. "Open up, I gotta pee really bad."

Bucky opened the door and tried to slip passed Steve without him noticing the hole in the wall. The large hole in the wall.

"What happened?" asked Steve. "Wait. Hold that thought. Let me pee first."

Steve shut the door and relieved himself. Bucky could hear the flush and then the sink running before the door opened again.

"Why did you punch the wall?"

"Can we not play 20 fucking questions? You know why." Bucky grumbled.

"But I told you, It's fine."

"Yeah? Well it ain't fine to me. Can't a guy just be intimate with his.. his"

"His what?" Steve pressed but he was choosing his moves very carefully.

"Best guy."

When Steve said “best guy” he always meant boyfriend. He said it in the 30’s and would say it now if he could. Nowadays, the phrase sounds like “best friend” or something that means less than the love of your life. Steve wasn’t sure which Bucky meant but he didn’t push it. He didn’t want to make Bucky explain and remember and agitate him if he didn’t have to and the other part, Steve wasn’t sure he really wanted to know. He was more than friends with Bucky now, this much was true, but to what Bucky really labeled Steve as in his own mind, Steve didn’t know. Steve did the noble thing and ignored it.

"I think it's nerves. You're fine when we make out and you orgasm when I stroke you so It's not an 'every time' thing." Steve turned a bit pink at what he had to say, still a little bashful about talking about sex out loud, even if it is with Bucky.

"Relax, Buck. Take a few breaths. We'll try again another time. Don't think about it."

But Bucky did think about it. The more he thought about it, the more he worried and the more he worried, the less he could get it up. Steve knew it would take a lot for Bucky to open up to his therapist about this so a day of relaxation and peace was needed. Bucky always seemed most relaxed after a 'Steve-Given' bath and a good 15 minutes of hair brushing. It would be a good place as any to start if Steve wanted to help him.

Throughout the week Steve gathered up some things that would help make the day special. He bought some candles, fresh flowers (he was romantic, sue him.) and what he needed for dinner, which was chicken, and lettuce, tomato’s and cucumbers for the salad. Bucky didn’t like surprises sprung on him so Steve suggested a date night.

“Something between just the two of us, maybe have a nice dinner, I could give you a relaxing bath. We could make a night of it.”

“Don’t we spend time together anyway?” Bucky asked, but not meanly so.

“Well yeah, but I thought we could do something special. So, you want to?”

“Sure, why not.” Bucky agreed, Steve grinned and kissed him.

“But I swear you better not burn down the kitchen.” Bucky dead-panned.

“I’m making chicken and fresh salad. It’s simple, don’t worry.”

“And you don’t have a mission?” Bucky double checked. He would never admit it but each time Steve left, Bucky missed him more and more. Something was growing within Bucky that made him want to live. Despite his anxieties, Bucky was feeling more secure in Steve’s ability to support him and keep him on track when he needed it.

“Nope. I’m cleared this week unless some major catastrophe happens.”

“Which would be just our luck.” Bucky grumbled, rolling his eyes at how true it probably was.

Steve looked down, feeling it like a slap in the face although Bucky meant it to be dark humor. Being Captain America took him away from Bucky on a regular basis and thoughts about quitting began to ruminate in his mind. First, he wanted Bucky to recover more and for himself to.. heal before he constructed any long-term plans with Buck. Steve considered a life with Bucky somewhere away from all the pressure where they could be themselves and be happy. There will be a point in time for all of that. For now, he had a boyfriend to woo.

“Tomorrow sound good, Buck?” Steve questioned, his heart fluttering a little in his chest.

After some major cleaning up, everything was ready to be put to use the next day. Bucky was watching tv as Steve scampered around, cooking and getting the table ready. The fresh roses in the center looked beautiful but of course paled in comparison to Bucky.

“Smells good, Rogers!” Bucky called out to the kitchen. Steve chuckled. He was so fucking nervous because he wanted this to be perfect. He wanted Bucky to conquer his performance anxiety or whatever else was stopping Bucky from feeling good. On the surface it seemed selfish but Steve was truly doing this to help his love. He’d go without sex or anything at all so long as he could be with Bucky.

Steve came over to Bucky and plopped down on the couch beside him. “Still going to take a few hours.” Steve informed him.

“Bath?” Steve asked.

“Fuck yeah.”

Steve bathing Bucky was such an intimate sharing. Tonight, Steve added some lavender scented oil to the water (thanks internet!), dimmed the lights and surrounded the bathroom in candle light.

“Stevie, wow.” Bucky proclaimed, taking his clothes off.

“So do you accept being my date tonight?”

“What do you think, punk?”

Bucky sunk into the warm water and sighed. The water and lavender did wonders for both any physical aches as well as soothe his anxiety. Steve soaped up the softest wash cloth they owned and began washing Bucky gently like he took to doing lovingly. After he wiped the flesh that was mottled by his metal arm, Steve leaned in and kissed it. He never wanted Bucky to think Steve would ever reject him over it. Bucky glowed softly in the candle light and then he sat up a little.

“Come in with me.” Buck said, not laughing or making any indication at trying to be funny.

“You sure? You really want me to?” Steve asked just make sure. Steve always had to make sure since consent was something extremely important to Bucky.

“Please.” Bucky said with a nod.

Steve carefully undressed and slid in the tub, sighing a bit as his body hit the water. They had a large tub and for that, Steve was grateful. He grabbed the nearby shampoo and poured a glob into his hands.

“Dunk your head, Buck. I’m going to wash your hair.”

Once Bucky got his hair wet, Steve applied the shampoo, gently massaging Bucky’s scalp.

“Oh, Stevie, that’s fucking divine.” cooed Bucky. He almost didn’t want to wash his hair out and make Steve stop.

“Come here, Buck. Let me hold you before the water gets cold.” and Steve gestured for Bucky to move between his legs and lean his back against Steve’s chest. Bucky did so and Steve wrapped his arms around him.

“You’re so good, Bucky.” Steve whispered, turning his face to the side and leaning his cheek on the top of Bucky’s head.

“You are, too.” Bucky smiled, feeling content. “You really are no matter how much guilt you feel.”

Bucky turned to face Steve, looking him in the eye. “I think.. I think I’m happy? Or getting there..” The sincerity in Bucky’s voice made Steve hold him tighter. That was something that Steve wasn’t expecting in the least. He didn’t even prompt Bucky about it, instead hearing Bucky volunteer the thought himself. Steve wanted to shout from the rooftops.

“Bucky, you really.. I don’t..” Steve blushed.

“Brush my hair while the food finishes?” Bucky gently asked, almost afraid of asking too much of Steve when in Steve’s mind, that’s impossible.

“Course I am. Why don’t we get out and I’ll do that for you?”

“Yeah that’s good, ‘sides, I’m hungry and I need to check that the kitchen is still in one piece.” Bucky joked, getting up. Steve watched the water rivets roll down Bucky’s body as he stood up and the muscles contract as he moved. It turned Steve on a little but he got up and put a towel around his waist before Bucky could notice. Bucky ruffled a towel through his hair and pulled on clean boxers, the house really starting to smell wonderful. Steve followed behind after blowing the candles out and hurried to the oven.

“Looks about done. Maybe a few more minutes.” Steve observed, closing the oven door. He went to pull on clothes and then got out Bucky’s hair brush.

The bristles pulled nicely through Bucky’s damp hair and Steve was getting good at untangling knots. He may or may not have watched a youtube video which said ‘the best way is to start from the bottom of the knot’ since he wanted to make sure he hurt Bucky as little as possible. Bucky’s hair was also part of his identity these days. It didn’t have to be but so far Bucky made no comment about cutting it or changing it in any way.

“All done.” Steve said, getting up.

“Thanks, Steve.” Bucky replied, running his fingers through his hair. It was so soft!

Steve thought It was as good of time as any to start the salad so he washed his hands and got everything ready.

“Wanna help, Buck?” and that’s all it took for Bucky to be at Steve’s side, looking forward to pulling apart some lettuce and chopping some tomato’s. Normally, it would be a dull and remedial task for most people but while Bucky wouldn’t mind going on missions one day, calm and pleasant activities with Steve were always his favorite. Steve handled the cucumbers and got out the vinegar and olive oil for their dressing.

Bucky was sneaking cucumber slices when Steve wasn’t looking until he wasn’t as quick one time.

“Buck! Save some for the salad!” Steve playfully scold, swatting Bucky’s hand away.

“What? We’re gonna eat it in ten minutes anyway.”

Steve let out an over dramatic sigh. “Fine.”

Bucky grinned and took another chunk. “Knew you’d see it my way.”

“Let me just go change, sweetheart, and then I’ll take the chicken out and we’ll eat.” Steve said, going to his room and drying off really quick before putting on a nice pair of jeans and a semi-casual shirt. A shirt that fit just a little tighter than the others, which were already tight. It made him feel good so he wore it. He also maybe dressed to impress. It didn’t matter that they were home, Steve was a little nervous if he was honest. This was their first real date since they got back together after Bucky left Hydra. Dates of the past consisted of slow dancing in Bucky’s room after a candle lit dinner of soup broth and bread. No matter how much Bucky tried to teach Steve to dance, Steve was always horrible at it.

“Steve I put the salad in the-” Bucky stopped in his tracks, catching Steve looking gorgeous in clothing that seemed nicer than what he usually wore.

“You look.. you look.. wow, Stevie.” Bucky gasped. Steve blushed from head to toe and ducked his head a little. “Oh no, and look at me in just a t-shirt and sweats.” Bucky frowned a little.

Steve shook his head with a little smile. He’s been doing more smiling the last few days and it feels damn good. “You’re beautiful, Buck.” Steve came up to him and wrapped his arms around Bucky’s waist, kissing him happily. Bucky chuckled. “Yeah, you keep tellin’ me.”

Steve set the table and put the fresh roses in the center. That was such a joy to Bucky who went over and smelled them. “Fresh roses.” Bucky sighed.

“We needed flowers since this is a date and all.” Steve blushed.

Steve told Bucky to take a seat and he went to get the food.

The chicken looked amazing and Bucky started cutting his piece as Steve took some salad from the big red bowl it was put into. Steve didn’t eat until Bucky had his and he beamed brightly when the meal came out perfect.

“Am I missing something? Are you sure it’s not like an anniversary or something?” asked Bucky, still not getting the point of all of this.

“No. You seemed so stressed out lately, baby, and I wanted to do something special. Doing things we normally do but in a romantic way.”

“Sap.” Bucky teased lightly.

That made Steve blush again. “What can I say? You’re my world, Buck.”

Steve was Bucky’s world as well. Bucky felt as much. The dinner Steve made was enough between them and Steve still worried about Bucky’s sensitive stomach sometimes. Months had gone by since Bucky had been weened off those disgusting protein shakes Hydra made him consume, but every now and then, something would disagree with Bucky’s stomach and he would have occasional bouts of stomach pain, vomiting and diarrhea. If it wasn’t the food, It was anxiety that upset Bucky’s stomach and Steve felt bad that nausea was a feeling Bucky was getting acquainted with.

Tonight seemed like a good night and during the course of the meal, Bucky even leaned forward towards Steve to give him a sweet and solid kiss across the table (After moving the roses of course).

“Thank you for this amazing dinner, baby. I mean it. It was really nice.”

“I could grab my tablet and we could watch Netflix in bed if you want. It’s more comfortable than the couch and we have more room to cuddle.”

Bucky smiled. “I’ll put the dishes in the sink then.”

Once comfy in their bed, Steve swiped through the different movie choices. He lifted his other arm, giving Bucky the invitation to cuddle right up beside him.

“No war.” Was all Bucky had to say about it. Steve agreed. They lived the Second World War and they needed no reminder of the pain. Bucky also pointed out every tiny inaccuracy.

“How about.. hmm.. there’s almost too much of a selection, you know? Remember, in our day there was only one movie in the cinema at a time.”

Bucky looked up at Steve. “Do you ever miss it? The 30s and 40s?”

“Sometimes. I miss my ma a lot. She was taken too soon.” Steve confessed sadly. “I missed you every time you weren’t with me. I miss Peggy and our friends. I guess you could say I miss the people more than the era if that makes sense.”

“I’m trying to remember what it was like.. I just get fragments every so often, you know? The best ones are memories of us together.”

Steve kissed Bucky’s hair. “It’s a long road, Buck, but we’re here now and together. I’ve waited decades to be with you like this. Just like we are now.”

“I like how we are now, too.”

Steve kissed him again. “So, what do you want to watch?”

“Something with Cary Grant.” Bucky decided.

Steve scrolled through the list of old movies, narrowing it down to ones he’s acted in.

“How about that one.” Bucky chose, pointing at the poster art for ‘None But the Lonely Heart.’ Steve clicked on it, admitting that he never saw that one before.

“Me neither.” Buck said. “But it looks good.”

Bucky was already falling asleep a half hour in and no, tonight wouldn’t be the night for anything else. Steve turned his tablet off and tucked them both in.

“Good night, Buck. I love you.” Steve whispered.

Bucky stirred and cracked open one eye. “Stevie?”

“Mmm hmm?” Steve hummed in answer.

“Thank you for tonight. It was perfect. I never..no one’s ever..just thank you, Stevie.”

“Thank you for trusting me to not burn the house down.” Steve couldn’t help but smile. His heart felt so light.

When Steve didn’t get a reply, It was soon obvious that Bucky had fallen asleep.

The next afternoon, Steve had his psychologist appointment and then Steve was going to bring Bucky to meet the team again. He hoped things would go better this time and It bothered him that Sam didn’t trust him. Sam was only looking out for Steve’s safety and well being but he didn’t know this sweet soul who shared meaningful kisses and laughed at Steve’s stupid jokes.

“Nice to see you again, man.” Clint greeted Bucky.

“Um, thanks. You too.” Bucky replied, trying his best to stay calm. Trying to stay calm was almost synonymous with awkward. That was the extent of Bucky’s social mechanisms so far. No one seemed to notice, or care if they did. The others must think him incompetent. Steve and the rest gathered to talk about plans of attack for their next mission, escape routes, shortcuts. Something big and something terrible was going to happen soon and Bucky dreaded it as what it would mean for Steve. Bucky wasn’t ready to lose him. He didn’t know the details since things were kept at a minimum around him but he didn’t like it.

Bucky didn’t want to kill anymore for a while, only doing so to be and remain on Steve’s team. If he was honest, he didn’t trust anyone but himself to have Steve’s back out there.

“Steve, are you sure about that plan?” Bucky worried his lip.

“You don’t have to worry, baby. The entire team will be with me and this isn’t for another few months.”

“Ok.”

But it wasn’t ok. Whatever it was sounded really serious and Bucky would store that away in his mind for now.

Right now, the pair went home, Steve setting up a Hell’s Kitchen marathon on Netflix and Bucky starting on the salmon. Watching Gordon Ramsay was actually teaching him a lot and even started watching his videos on youtube. At least one of them had to cook.

“Which season, Buck?” Steve asked.

“Umm any one is fine.”

“Ok, got it. When you’re finished, come sit down here.”

“Alright it’s in the oven. Start it.” Bucky said, flopping down on the couch. Automatically, they curled into each other, mutually both giving and seeking comfort. Bucky ran his hand up under Steve’s shirt and started rubbing his stomach for no reason.

Steve looked down at him and kissed his temple. Bucky rubbed Steve’s stomach like Steve had a stomach ache but the motion soothed him. Steve didn’t stop him.

“Do you want me to do this for you, Buck? When your stomach gets upset?” Steve thought asking was worth a shot because he would love to make Bucky feel better any way he could.

“Yeah.. that’d be nice.”

Steve kissed him again and they sat together comfortably watching tv. Bucky’s hand dared just a little lower which got Steve’s attention.

“Buck?”

“I wanna touch ya, Stevie.”

Steve closed his eyes, leaned back and expelled a content sigh. “Yeah. Ok, baby.”

Bucky reached and took Steve’s cock in his hand, rubbing it and letting it firm up in his palm.

“Mmm, yeah honey, like that.” Steve licked his lips and relaxed. Bucky’s fingers explored his balls and stroked his cock in a way that only Bucky could. Steve was a sexual blank, learning along with Bucky as they continue this relationship.

Bucky’s hand slowed and he looked away.

“What’s wrong? You ok?” Steve sat up a little and put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“Fuck. I don’t know how to ask but.. I wanna try suckin’ you. Thought about it a lot, Stevie, and I wanna try it.”

“Only if you want. I swear I don’t mind if you never even want to.”

Bucky sunk to his knees on the floor in front of Steve as his reply and tugged Steve’s pants and boxers down, letting Steve’s cock open and free to Bucky’s curious mouth. Steve was in awe. His cock pulsed hard as he watched Bucky before him. The sight was unreal. He put a hand through Bucky’s hair.

“Whenever you’re ready,”

Bucky nodded and gave a tentative lick to the tip. Not minding the taste, he then gave kitten licks to the sides of Steve’s shaft and then wrapped his mouth around the fat head.

“Oh, fuck, baby.” Steve groaned. He wasn’t panting yet but he was definitely liking it from the sounds and praises Bucky was hearing. Bucky took this as motivation and ventured further, leaning down a little more and taking Steve’s balls into his mouth. He sucked at them, lapped at them and after he pulled off to give Steve’s cock more love, he felt Steve’s hands tangle in his hair and pull lightly. Steve wasn’t really into pain and he didn’t want to cause Bucky any either.

Bucky got bolder as Steve got a little more lost in his passion, slurping at Steve’s length and getting Steve’s cock and balls dripping wet. Bucky’s lips were pink and the whole lower half of his face was a mess of saliva and pre-come. When Bucky looked down at himself, he was iron hard. After he noticed, It was impossible to not feel his own cock pulse and strain between his thighs. He was hard. He was actually fucking rock hard! He felt a burst of joy and arousal, continuing to make a mess until his chin was dripping as much as Steve’s cock was.

“Holy Jesus.” Steve panted. “Fuck. Bucky, baby, you look so fucking gorgeous with such a mess of your mouth and suckin’ my cock so sloppy and pretty.” Steve was was peaking in his pleasure and Bucky thrived on it.

Bucky’s lips were dripping long strings of thick spit attached to Steve’s dick in the most sinful and arousing way.

“Are you close, Stevie?” Steve didn’t understand how Bucky could ask so damn sweetly in such a dirty position and he loved it.

“Yeah, oh God. I’m gonna blow, honey.” Steve warned, pulling a little harder at Bucky’s hair. Bucky pumped him a few times before Steve’s cock shot, getting Bucky on the face a little before he managed to get the rest in his mouth.

Steve was panting and pulled Bucky up on his lap.

“That was incredible, baby. Oh, man.” Steve said, wiping some of the come off Bucky’s cheek and licking it off his fingers. “Thank you, Buck. You’re too good to me.” Steve added sincerely.

Bucky genuinely smiled feeling pleased with himself that he made Steve come like that. Bucky wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and kissed Steve’s cheek.

“Want me to return the favor?”

Bucky felt an anxious knot tie up in his stomach. What if Steve didn’t like his cock? What if Steve didn’t like the taste? What if Bucky couldn’t come?

When Bucky didn’t reply right away, Steve rubbed his back.

“Bucky? You with me, baby?”

“Yeah, I am. I just.. I haven’t told you something. I mean, I have, I just wanna be clear.”

Steve kept rubbing his back up and down.

“And what’s that?”

Bucky felt himself sweat a little and not from anything sexual.

“I.. sometimes.”

He couldn’t believe he was going to tell this to Steve. Steve already knew enough embarrassing shit about him.

“Take your time.” Steve encouraged although he knew what Bucky was going to tell him.

It was really now or never.

“Sometimes I can’t.. I have trouble getting it up.” Bucky said, sliding off Steve’s lap and turning away in shame. Despite having a strong erection currently, his worry was ruining the moment.

“Buck, no. Don’t shut me out now. C’mere.” Steve reached out and pulled Bucky onto his lap meeting no resistance. Bucky sniffled. He was not going to cry again. No. Steve hugged him tightly.

“I figured that much when we talked about you punching the wall. It doesn’t bother me.” Steve comforted, kissing Bucky’s hair.

“But Steve, I fucking want to!” Bucky yelled.

Steve stole a quick glance at Bucky’s crotch and he did see that Bucky was hard.

“Take a deep breath, Bucky. Come on. That’s it.” Steve said, helping Bucky to calm down. Then, he took him to their bedroom.

“Lay down, baby. Close your eyes and just relax. You still have your erection so give your body a chance. Give me a chance?” Steve asked, gentle and wide eyed.

“O-ok.”

“I’m going to take your pants and underwear off, ok? Stop me right away if you don’t like something.” Steve gave the simple run down of his actions.

“Do it. It- It’s ok. I’m gonna try to relax.. just hurry Stevie. I don’t wanna lose it.”

“Shhhh. Buck. Don’t think about it. Think about me, honey. Think about how good it feels. Keep your eyes closed and let your body feel it.”

Bucky swallowed hard and gave his consent.

“I’m going to put my mouth on you now. Take a deep breath.” Steve informed, then took Bucky’s cock into his mouth. It went down to semi-hard during Bucky’s panic but Steve would do his best to harden it back to life. Steve’s mouth and tongue were both warm and gentle.

Steve stopped a brief moment to say, “Feel my warm, wet mouth, baby. Only focus on that.”

Bucky did focus on it and he felt himself get a little harder. It was easier with his eyes closed and he felt more that way.

Steve licked Bucky’s thighs and give each testicle a kiss and then the head of Bucky’s cock a kiss. A testament to how precious every part of Bucky was. Bucky was starting to gather pre-come at the tip of his dick and Steve licked at it every time it formed again. Steve took Bucky’s balls and squeezed them as he sucked, increasing his suction.

“Mmmmmm!” Bucky moaned loudly, his body now more alert to Steve’s ministrations.

“Stevie.” Bucky whined. “Suck it. Please!”

And Steve did not need to be told twice. He deep throated his man over and over and making sure to give his cock and balls plenty of kisses, too.

If Steve was honest, It took Bucky a little while to reach his peak. He figured that was the anxiety in some way. He was so fucking proud of Bucky for this so it didn’t matter to him. He would suck, stroke and do whatever else Bucky wanted him to do forever if he had to.

“Steve?” Bucky panted.

“What is it, baby?” Steve paused a moment to jerk Bucky off.

“Stevie, I think I’m gonna come.” he warned, and after another minute he spoke again, “Yeah, oh Christ. I’m gonna fuckin’ come.”

Steve took Bucky’s hard cock deep down again. Just a second later, Bucky erupted like a volcano inside Steve’s mouth and all down his throat. He let out a silent scream and Steve drank him down.

Bucky’s eyes filled with tears as he stared up at the ceiling. Steve didn’t notice until he rose up, getting them both under the covers.

“Bucky, baby. Come here, honey.” Steve pulled Bucky close to him and Bucky just cried. Steve wondered how many times they each had to comfort each other already. Must have been a hundred times. He knew this was all part of healing but he wished it would be over soon so they could finally be happy.

Steve was relieved he didn’t cry because Bucky needed him now to be strong.

“You’re so, so good, Bucky.” Steve whispered. Bucky nuzzled more into Steve’s chest as Steve pet his hair. “So, so, good.”

The images on the tape were burned into Steve’s mind. The worst parts kept playing over and over again in his head. It told Steve everything he wanted to know and needed to know what else was out there. What else existed that could be used to hurt him?

There was so much on Steve’s mind that he couldn’t eat the next morning.

“Alright, what is it?” Bucky asked, taking a seat at the table by Steve. Bucky wasn’t an idiot and could tell that something was wrong.

“Nothing.”

“Ha. That’s bullshit, Steve, and you know it.”

Steve didn’t even try to lie after that. Bucky always said he was shit at it anyway.

Steve looked up at Bucky. “I’m going to the tower today and I’m getting to the bottom of this.” Steve admitted seriously.

“Do you need me to do anything?”

“No. Just stay here. I’ll take care of it. I got this.” Steve promised. He was a piranha.

Later that afternoon, Steve kissed Bucky. “I promise I’ll be back tonight. Call me if you need anything. Got that? Anything.”

Bucky rolled his eyes a little. “Yeah, yeah. I know. Get going.”

“I’ll see you later.” Steve said with a final kiss.

Steve demanded to speak with Fury and he didn’t care what he was doing at the moment. Steve was going to get answers one way or another.

“What else about Bucky are you hiding from me?!” Steve demanded, bursting through the doors. Fury quietly dismissed the other people in the room.

“You knew what was done to him.” Fury defended.

“Yeah, I knew but I never saw. What else is there?”

“Stay out of my way, Captain.” Fury warned.

“What’s that supposed to mean? You can’t do anything to Bucky, he’s a free man!”

“Barnes may be free but you? You work for me, and since you work for me, I’m telling you to back off.”

Steve took a step back. Bucky was right. Bucky was right all along. Steve was a slave.

“Why? What are you planning?”

“Captain, I’m warning you now.”

“You want Bucky, don’t you?”

Fury was silent.

“You- you want Bucky! I can’t believe this. You’re going to just blackmail him!” Steve yelled. “I won’t let that happen. You don’t want to know what I’m capable of when it comes to Bucky!”

“And what are you going to do? Quit? If you back out of our big mission plan in two months time, the country and the world could be lost. Do you want that?”

This time, Steve was quiet.

“I didn’t think so. Now, get out of my office.”

Steve narrowed his eyes and stormed off. He’ll do the mission but he swore to himself that it would be his last. No more would he be fucking Captain America. Let someone else do it. He wanted that quiet life with Bucky in the country now more than ever. He could just imagine Bucky walking outside in the sun, mowing the lawn, and Steve giving the walls a fresh coat of paint. They could make love in their yard and cook using ingredients from their garden. Steve wanted that life so fucking badly.

Steve met up with the team and furthered their tactics. He had to be focused but he wasn’t. No matter how serious this mission was, he couldn’t shake it. For the most part he followed along but didn’t give much input. He wanted to get the hell out of there.

It was nearly midnight when Steve got back. Bucky was snoring gently on the couch so Steve pulled a blanket over him.

“Stevie?” Bucky groaned. He was a light sleeper.

“Yeah, I’m home, Buck. Come to bed with me.”

Bucky still couldn’t sleep in their bed without Steve. The bed felt too big and empty without him.

“How did it go?” Buck asked as Steve undressed for the night.

“Let’s just say that you were right.. I’m a slave to them. That’s all I want to say for now. I’m tired.”

Bucky nodded in understanding and waited for Steve to crawl under the covers with him. Their bodies came together like magnets as they fell asleep.

“So, are you going to tell me why I’m hacking SHIELD?” Tony inquired. He was able to do it, he knew.

“Get me everything they have about James Buchanan Barnes.” Steve stated, ignoring his question.

"Alright.. so don’t tell me. I’m not just one of your closest friends and all.” Tony quipped sarcastically, getting to work on it.

“SHIELD is keeping something from Bucky and I and I want to know what that is.”

“They gotta update their servers because this is like taking candy from a baby.”

“Just do it, Tony.”

“I am, alright, sheesh.”

Steve stood by watching and waiting anxiously.

“It looks like they don’t have as much as you think but some unreleased Hydra documents and SHIELD notes.”

“Don’t care. Get me all of it.”

“Got it.” and Tony quickly said, getting all the information onto a removable hard drive. “Just pop this thing in the computer and everything should be on there.”

Steve wasted no time and booted it up on the closest computer. It was good that Tony made a copy for him rather than just showing him once and then manually having to hack it again and again to see the information again.

There were old Hydra files. Really early ones as back as 1946.

Steve felt like he lost the ability to breathe as he read,

“ Day 367. Subject still reciting “Rogers.” - Assumed Captain America. Commencing 40th memory wipe.”

“Oh, God. Bucky..” Steve whispered. Bucky was holding on, fighting to remember Steve even a year after his capture. That was enough for Steve right now and he yanked out the usb.

“Hey, where are you going!” Tony called out.

“Home!”

Bucky had enough secrets kept from him and Steve wasn’t going to continue that trend. Before he opened the door, he turned the usb drive over and over in his trembling hand, afraid to give Bucky more bad news and to see more of it on this thing himself.

Bucky got up nervously from the couch as soon as Steve walked in.

“Steve? What did you find?”

“I think we should sit down and go over this together.” Steve held up the drive and pulled out his laptop. Bucky began to panic.

“God. I-I don’t know If I can.. I.. fuck.” Bucky reached up and tugged at his hair. Steve’s hands immediately took them and he held Bucky’s hands against his chest.

“Calm down. Take a breath, ok? How about I review it and then go back to you if there’s anything you need to know? Do you trust me?” Steve looked Bucky in the eye and then released one of Bucky’s hands so he could stroke his long hair.

“I trust you.”

“Wait for me in our bedroom, ok? I’ll come get you after.”

Bucky nodded and then Steve proceeded to turn on his computer and fit the usb in place.

Steve learned it took over a year of memory wiping for Bucky to fully forget about Steve. How much Bucky loved Steve was obvious. The more he explored these things that happened to Bucky, the more guilt and self-hatred he felt. Bucky was waiting for Steve to save him.. and Steve never came. That would need to be a topic for therapy but right now Steve had to shove away his own feelings to think clearly about what to do next.

Steve also saw that because of how much Bucky asked for Steve, Hydra knew Bucky was a “fairy”, a homosexual. Steve didn’t know if he could stand it anymore but he had to. His mind entertained the most disgusting, lowest acts that could ever be thought up, done to Bucky. Steve was sure the “broom incident” wasn’t just one time. Those animals, those monsters.

There were scattered notes about the implant of Bucky’s arm, the amount of pain killers given, Bucky’s state of health at the time. Steve’s guilt was calling to him again.

“That should have been me.” Steve whispered. He wanted it to be.

Making sure his face was dry, Steve shut his laptop and removed the usb, going to his and Buck’s room.

“Hey, Buck.” Steve greeted, knocking on their bedroom door. Bucky was laying down holding his stomach.

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked, sitting at the edge of the bed, rubbing Bucky’s arm.

“Stomach hurts. Really nervous.”

Steve moved onto the bed and pet Bucky’s hair.

“I read the files. A lot was what was on the tape but.. baby, do you remember calling for me during the first year or so you were captured?”

Bucky shrugged.

“You were asking for me for over a year, honey. I let you down, I know that.. you were so brave. You remembered me for so long and then lived through the worst torture I’ve ever heard of.. You’re my damn hero, Buck.” Steve said, carefully pulling Bucky into his lap. Steve wondered if he should tell Bucky about the sexual acts done to him but.. he wasn’t sure.

“You read about the other ways they hurt me?” Bucky’s voice came a little muffled against Steve’s chest but Steve heard him. He had to guess that by now Steve knew.

“Yeah, baby.. yeah.” Steve answered softly, rubbing Bucky’s back.

Just having Steve know about all this made Bucky feel really sick. Steve still wanted his tainted, disgusting, ruined body. Steve was still touching him now and holding him.

“Director Fury.. my boss, I guess you could say.. he wants you to fight with us.”

Bucky went rigid in Steve’s arms. “I don’t want to. I’m fucking done with that.”

“I know. I’m working on it, baby. I just wanted you to know..”

Steve shut the lights and figured they could both use a little rest.

“Want me to rub your stomach?” Steve offered, kissing Bucky.

“Yeah.. please? But don’t go any lower.. I don’t want to.”

“You’re the boss, got that? I’ll never hurt you. Take some breaths and if you still feel nauseous in a few minutes, I’ll get you some seltzer from the kitchen. I bought the plain kind and raspberry flavor so you can pick which one you want.”

Steve was glad that he thought ahead and bought some the other day just in case Bucky get’s a stomach ache. Bucky just nodded.

“Can you read to me too?” Bucky asked, hoping to hear Steve’s soothing voice wash over him like silk.

“We’re almost done with The Count of Monte Cristo. Want to finish it tonight?”

“I’d like that.” Bucky whispered.

Steve grabbed the book again and then ran his other hand under Bucky’s shirt and rubbed his abdomen.

“Mmmm” Bucky groaned.

“Shhh. Settle down.” Steve shushed, kissing the top of Bucky’s head.

Steve’s reading rocked Bucky into a content lull as the knot of anxiety in his stomach started to loosen. Steve noticed Bucky was drifting as he read the last few sentences.

“How’s your stomach feeling?”

Bucky snuggled into Steve more. “Better.”

The next morning, the two took their usual path to the farmer’s market. Bucky got his beloved plums and some other fruit as Steve just watched him.

“Hey, Buck? The mission that’s coming up later on, I think it’s going to be my last.”

Bucky paid and promptly turned around.

“Are you serious?”

“I am.. I don’t want that life anymore especially if you can be used as a pawn against me or visa versa. I was thinking about it a lot. We could move to the countryside somewhere and live our lives together.”

Bucky really smiled. “I like the sound of that, Rogers. Both of us could use the peace.”

Steve’s heart pounded a little in his chest at Bucky’s sweet smile and his agreement to Steve’s plan.

“Buck, you make me the happiest man alive.” Steve said, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s neck and hugging him tightly.

Steve still went to his therapist and eventually confessed his deep seeded guilt. The guilt almost became a permanent part of Steve that he doesn’t know how to let it go.

“Does James blame you for what happened?” Dr Santiago inquired, leaning forward.

“He says he doesn’t but that doesn’t help.”

“Steve,” Dr Santiago started. “You need to learn how to move on. If James doesn’t fault you for the things that happened to him, then you need to give yourself the same respect. Respect yourself enough to know that you weren’t in a place that could have saved him. None of this was your fault. We need to work on this and once you allow yourself to accept that you did not cause this, new doors of happiness will open up.”

It took many sessions to make even an inch of progress but Bucky still encouraged him to go. On Bucky’s side of things, his psychologist sessions were reduced from 4 to 3 times a week. His initial therapy was often because It was needed that way. Now, he’s been feeling better. Not exactly with his current anxiety and fear but about coming to terms with what he did.

Once Bucky’s anxiety improved enough to where he could go out in public more often, he soon got himself and Steve a gym membership. Working out would get him back in shape and help relieve stress. Even for a super soldier, Bucky was out of shape. Steve could use the mental benefits greatly and stay fit at the same time. Bucky never told Steve he had a plan of his own..

A good day’s work out wore them out enough that they both slept more soundly at night.

With Steve’s mission a month away, a media disaster was not what he needed.

Bucky had the morning news on, sipping his coffee.

The headline read, “Captain America, Gay?”

A large photo of him hugging Bucky close while they were taking their walk surfaced and now it went viral.

The reporters interviewed numerous Captain America “experts” giving their opinion on any ‘evidence’ that Steve had shown signs of being gay in the past, especially with Bucky.

Another news channel had the headline “Captain America and Winter Soldier Gay Lovers?”

Steve had Pepper on the phone in ten seconds.

“Pepper, please do your best to make this go away.” Steve pleaded. “People could say whatever garbage they want about me but I don’t want Bucky to get hurt.”

Bucky was still watching one channel as Steve tried to work it out with Pepper.

The reporter was walking up and down the streets of Manhattan getting people’s opinions on the matter,

“Captain America is an abomination to love, our nation and our values. Not only is he a homosexual sinner but he’s sleeping with America’s worst enemy, the Winter Soldier! What a disgrace.” one passerby said.

Bucky just grunted and changed the channel. The news was everywhere and soon their house phone started blowing up. How their number was ever gotten, they will never know.

“You’re a saint, Pepper! A saint. Thank you so much. Yes. And you too!” Steve closed out, hanging up his phone. He then turned to Bucky,

“Pepper has her team going online and taking the photo down every place they see it. She’s also getting lawyers to see if there’s anything legally that can be done as well as blocking our phone number to the public in five minutes.”

“Don’t let it get to you, Stevie.” Bucky commented, apparently not very worked up over it.

“I mean, yeah. It’s fuckin’ bullshit. Me an’ you were goin’ steady since 1940 and nothin’s ever stopped us then. It’ll pass.” Bucky took another pull of his coffee.

“Buck, no one stopped us because no one knew!” Steve exclaimed.

“But I’m not upset that I’m outed. I’m upset that something could happen to you.” Steve then clarified.

“Nothin’s gonna happen to me, sweetheart. Do you really think someone could take me?” Bucky scoffed, shaking his head.

“Not the point.. it’s just.. Bucky, I want us to be safe. I want you to safe and just left the fuck alone for once. Don’t these people see how much you’ve been through!”

Steve was approaching his breaking point. First Fury telling him in so many words that he owns him, seeing all the material about Bucky that was held back from him, and now this.

Steve was fucking sick of it.

“We’ll never fucking be free.” Steve said softly, shaking his head, letting the concept sink in.

“We will be.. you’re quitting after the next mission aren’t you?” Bucky reminded him.

“I want to.” Steve began. “But who the hell knows if I can.”

“I’ll help you get out If that’s what you want. Is that what you really want, Steve?” Bucky said, remembering that Steve told him that quitting wasn’t the best thing right now although that was a few months back.

Steve sighed, running a hand through his hair before giving a nod. “Yeah. It is.”

“Then after the mission, you and I will have to disappear.”

“Can we talk about this another time? I’m sorry, It’s a lot right now.”

Bucky knew that leaving everything would be hard for Steve but he let it go. They will have to talk about it sooner or later when the time grows near.

“Ok.. so then what do we do about the press? Can we go outside or are we confined?”

“Pepper is -”

And just like that, the phone’s stopped ringing.

“..doing the best she can. She’s a god sent.” Steve praised, taking in the silence again.

“But could we still go out? To the gym, walks, everything else? It took so fuckin’ long for me to be comfortable out there and now it’s being snatched away.” Bucky grumbled in defeat.

“It’s not being snatched away.” Steve objected.

“Then how long do we have to stay here?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“Fucking hell.” Bucky swore. “How do I get to my sessions?”

“True, that’s important, Buck.”

Bucky scoffed, “No shit.”

“I’m sure Tony can send us a car with tinted windows. Nobody can look in.”

“I don’t really care about everyone knowing I’m serious with you but it’s just annoying.” Bucky grumbled, finishing his coffee.

Steve’s heart clenched with joy and warmth in his chest as he heard Bucky say he’s serious about him. It’s true, but since Bucky still struggles with things between them, It’s almost an honor to hear it.

“Let me call Pepper back and ask her about going out. Hang tight, sweetheart.” Steve said, kissing Bucky’s cheek and moving to the other room. Bucky sat there and pulled open their laptop. At first he was going to play a youtube video on the planet Saturn but then he cackled with an idea.

“Well, he is Captain America..” Bucky mused to himself. He made a few changes and then closed it before Steve came back.

“So, Pepper told me that she can send us a car to get wherever we need to go or we’re gonna have to wear really good disguises. A cap and sunglasses won’t cut it for either of us.”

“So, what do you think?” Bucky asked, pushing the computer aside.

“Take the car to the therapist and then we just have to be careful when we take our walk.”

Needless to say, after a week, the initial public shock had died down and now Steve was being bombarded to issue a public statement.

Him and Bucky sat at a giant glass table along with Tony, Pepper and the team to discuss the whole thing and the next step.

“So how do we move forward?” Bucky asked looking from Tony to Pepper.

“I can’t believe everyone knew but me.” Tony grumbled. “I mean, I guess I should have figured with you two living together but I mean, hey, it’s 2017, who questions that anymore?”

Pepper rolled her eyes at Tony. “Tony.” Pepper sighed.

“Steve, do you want to come out or stay silent? I can only tell you that the rumors and speculation will only get worse for both you and Bucky if you don’t set the record straight. No pun intended.”

“And if I do come out?”

“This will have to be something you talk over with Bucky since he’s also the other large part of things.”

“I don’t really care.” Bucky shrugged.

“And you, Steve?” Pepper then asked.

“I think there could be a lot of kids It would help.. It’s another opportunity to stand up against evil.”

“So I’ll schedule a press conference for tomorrow? Tony tells me you have a mission coming up soon so I know It can’t wait too long.”

“That.. yeah, ok.” Steve nodded. Bucky could tell that Steve was already feeling the stress.

“Don’t worry, Steve. I’m going to be right by your side.” Bucky reminded him as they left.

That night, Bucky surprised Steve by revealing something so sweet to him as they cuddled in bed for the night.

"Steve?" Bucky asked quietly into the dark.

"Mmm?" was the moaned acknowledgment.

"You're the only person who makes me feel alive." Bucky admits. He could feel Steve giving his shoulder and collar bone lazy, soft kisses.

Bucky rubbed Steve's back and sighed.

The next day Steve was nearly sick with nerves.

“You’re doin’ the right thing, It’s gonna be ok.” Bucky comforted, trying to give as much support as he could. He knew Steve could do it. That, he had no doubt. He was charming and sweet and genuine. It’s not hard to see why he’s so easy to love. They didn’t leave yet and Steve felt like he was going to have a full blown panic attack.

“I know. I know I’m doing the right thing but why do I feel so nervous?”

“Cause you want it to be perfect and it will be.” Bucky pointed out. “And besides, who gives a shit what people say. Just do your thing.”

Steve couldn’t help but smile. “I’ll do my best.”

The conference room was packed full of reporters and photographers. There was heavy security and Nat, Clint and Bruce stood in the background watching on.

Steve gave one last look at Bucky for reassurance and Bucky nodded.

The podium stood there plainly as Steve approached it. Immediately, the questions came.

“Cap, are you actually gay?”

“How long were you with James Barnes?”

“Were you always into men or was it just Barnes?”

“First, I want to thank all of you for being here today. I’d like to say that I’m only taking a very limited amount of questions because as you could understand, I’d like to keep my private life private. I’m before you now because I’d like you to get the truth about some things in my own words.” Steve stated.

Steve waited a moment and then chose one reporter from Day in the Life News.

“Hi, I’m Meghan Casper from Day in the Life News. What’s your relationship with James Barnes?” She asked pointedly.

Steve cleared his throat. “Bucky- I mean, James, he means everything to me and I won’t hesitate or be afraid to say that I love him.”

A smile smile appeared on Bucky’s face and a slight blush.

The room roared even louder and more people scrambled to ask their question.

“Daniel Wise here with Opportune Times, what did your team mates think when they found out?”

Steve was grateful for something easy.

“My team was great. By great, I mean they couldn’t care less.”

There was laughter in the room and then another man stepped forward.

“Do you consider yourself gay?”

Steve thought for a moment. “I consider myself someone who believes in love whichever form it takes. But I know you’re looking for a label. Guess you could say I’m Bucky-Sexual.”

Again, some laughter.

“Time for one more question!” Pepper shouted.

There was one young lady in a rainbow shirt and Steve picked her for the last one.

“Hi Captain America.. I’m Tina and I work for the LGBTQ+ youth group in Suffolk County, Long Island. Is there any message you want to send out to kids who are struggling because of who they are?”

Steve thought that this question was the most thoughtful and important and he wished there were more like it.

“I’m glad I get to fight for people like us and If me coming out helps you in any way, then it’s another battle won. Be strong, never lose hope and know you aren’t alone. Thanks everyone.”

Steve hurried away as more people yelled questions.

Bucky looked so pleased and he grinned, wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck and giving him a passionate kiss.

“You kicked ass out there, Stevie.”

“Thanks, Buck. Couldn’t have done it without you. Like I said, I could do anything with you by my side.” Steve responded, leaning in and giving Bucky a much sweeter and gentler kiss.

Bucky was proud of him and he suggested, “Why don’t we go out for dinner tonight if you think we could manage?”

“Mmmm, I don’t know. Alright. I’ll take you out tonight.”

Bucky had his hair up in a messy bun and pulled a hat on. Then, he and Steve picked out clothes that neither of them would wear (with Tony’s help.)

“Do I look as stupid as I feel?” Bucky grumbled.

“Do I?” Steve mirrored.

The two laughed.

“Yes and Yes.” Bucky said, patting Steve on the back.

The “disguises” were at least effective. Steve was happy he got to take his best guy out to dinner.

“Order anything you want, sweetheart. I got this.” said Steve, smiling up from his menu.

“Probably the steak and potato's. How ‘bout you?”

“Baked chicken with green beans and carrots.” Steve decided.

Steve got them a nice bottle of wine to go with their meal and just as he was about to pay at the end of their dinner, his phone started buzzing in his pocket.

“It’s Tony.” Steve told Bucky. Steve didn’t pick up and waited until they were home to call him back.

“Wait for me in bed. I’ll be right in.” Steve gave Bucky a kiss and then went to their small living room to return Tony’s call.

“Yeah, Tony?” Steve asked, watching Bucky retreat to their room.

Bucky could clearly hear Steve give a sarcastic laugh from their room and wondered what was going on. He ventured closer..

“A Gala? Are you serious? With a huge mission in just a couple of weeks?”

Bucky could see Steve shake his head.

“Tony, why would you say that? I know it’s for a good cause! Let me at least talk it over with Bucky? Alright. I’ll call you back.”

“Steve, what did Tony want?”

“Hey, Buck. Yeah, Tony announced that I’m doing some fund raising gala for LGBTQ+ suicide awareness and depression. I’d love to, It’s just that we have a mission coming up and we should be training.” Steve sighed, plopping down on the couch.

“Tony is just trying to do a good thing.” Bucky defended.

“Tony isn’t the one doing it. I mean, yeah, he’ll show, but It’s me and yes you, Buck. You are wanted to host it with me as “Captain America’s Boyfriend””

“Steve, no one gives a shit about me. I’m the Winter Soldier, why would they? It’s you they want.”

“That’s not true. So many people care about you, Buck. What about all those Veterans out there and the one’s who were prisoner’s of war? What about the current 90+ year old men of our time who fought the same war? I know they support you or at the very least understand.”

“But you’re America’s Sweetheart.” Bucky protested.

“I was. Not anymore. And I don’t care to be.”

In the end, It didn’t matter what Steve or Bucky thought because they were hosting the gala with Stark four days later. Leave it to Stark to get billionaires and rich assholes to make it in that short amount of time.

Bucky and Steve both wore suits and Bucky swallowed when he saw Steve looking so handsome and dapper. Bucky started to get ideas before they left.

“You look like a damn peach.” Bucky purred quietly.

“Stop.” Steve hissed.

“You do. Good enough to eat, I could just take a bite,” Bucky continued and then nipped at Steve’s ear.

“What’s gotten into you?” Steve shoved Bucky away a little but then bumped his shoulder with his own in good spirits.

“I’m in a good mood, baby. Come to the restroom with me?”

“Buck, no. We have to leave any minute. We’re not doing this.” Steve protested, all the while following Bucky.

Bucky locked the door behind them and launched himself at Steve, hungrily kissing and biting his lips. Steve’s eyes fluttered closed when Bucky started rubbing Steve’s dick through his dress pants.

“Make a mess for me, Stevie.”

This was better than any fantasy that Steve ever had, would ever have. The simple reason being is because this was real and it was now.

“Buck..” Steve breathed out, reaching to pet Bucky’s hair.

“How much come you got for me, Stevie?” Bucky drawled, undoing Steve’s pants.

Steve’s answer was delayed, his mind going hazy. Bucky snaked his hands into Steve’s underwear and started to stroke.

“You got a dirty mouth, Buck.” Steve gasped. Bucky crashed his lips to Steve’s as he started to jerk him off. Steve must have wanted it bad because it took a short amount of time for him to start making little moans against Bucky’s mouth.

Bucky’s hand tightened on Steve’s cock and he thumbed at the slit. Steve cursed under his breath.

“Like that?”

“Yeah.. mmm.. oh yeah.” Steve moaned.

“Gonna make a mess for me in your underwear? Huh, Stevie? Pump that hot load out all over my hand?”

“Oh, God!” Steve yelled. Bucky’s words were driving Steve to the edge really fast in combination with his dick being stroked.

Steve’s breathing started to quicken and turn choppy as he slowly started to lose it.

“Tell me when you’re gonna come.”

Bucky knew it wouldn’t be long going by Steve’s noises and how he was continuously leaking pre-come.

“I’m going to come, baby. I’m going to come all over.” Steve warned.

Bucky’s hand stilled and Steve made a noise.

“What the hell! Buck! I said I’m close!”

“I know. I’ll let you come just trust me.”

“I don’t know how you talked me into this.” Steve mumbled.

Bucky started to stroke again but slower, letting Steve straddle the edge, teeter on it, being so close to shooting that he could taste it.

“Oh, god..”

Bucky stopped stroking again and kissed down Steve’s neck.

“Buck, if you don’t get on with it, I’m going to punch you.” Steve growled, sexually frustrated and wanting to just come already.

“Mmm, so impatient, Rogers.” Bucky hummed with a small smirk.

The stroking resumed, and this time, Steve blew before Bucky could stop again. Steve’s orgasm tore through him, ripping him up and pumping him dry. His balls were completely empty as he panted heavily against Bucky.

“Go get changed, Stevie.. we gotta leave.”

Steve, coming down from his high, wanted to return the favor, but then saw that Bucky wasn’t very hard and there wasn’t enough time to get him to full hardness.

“Give me a minute, sweetheart.” Steve said with a nod.

The gala itself was something that the boys were proud to be a part of. Everyone there was pretty cool and pledged their support. Photographer’s made their way over and flashes lit up Steve and Bucky’s faces. Bucky felt out of place but he was holding his own.

Steve made small talk with all the other suits and Bucky thought he looked so charming. Steve was nervous sometimes but in the end he always shined.

One man started flirting with Steve while Bucky was getting them drinks (they couldn’t get drunk but it looked good.) This was obvious to Bucky especially when he laughed, patting Steve’s arm casually. This wasn’t going to fly and Bucky wedged himself between them.

“You good, babe?” Bucky cut in.

Steve turned and smiled.

“This is Bucky.” Steve said to the man.

The man stepped back.

“Oh,” he said. “I didn’t know he was going to be here, too.”

Bucky smirked. “You bet your ass I am. Now if you’ll excuse us.”

As Bucky and Steve walked away, Bucky sighed. “That guy was flirting with you, Steve.”

“No, he wasn’t! We were just talking.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. Hard.

“You are so dense.”

Steve still didn’t get it and Bucky deemed him hopeless.

“Whatever, as long as you come back with me.. I mean.. you still want to, right?” Bucky asks, worry creeping in.

“Buck, you know I’m yours. Forever. I love you.” and Steve hugged Bucky tightly, following it up with a kiss.

Bucky closed his eyes and took in the firm embrace. Steve’s hugs and kisses always warmed him down to his bones and grounded him. He felt a safety that he never felt before.

The live band started to play “In the Mood” by Glenn Miller and they both recognized it right away. Bucky had a devilish look on his face.

“Care to dance, Stevie?” Bucky asked, holding his hand out. Steve blushed.

“You know I can’t dance.” Steve mumbled, looking away.

“Well, you are now!” Bucky cheered, grabbing Steve and pulling him on the dance floor.

“Buck, I can’t.” Steve kept quietly complaining, Bucky ignoring him.

“Just follow my lead.”

Needless to say, Steve stepped on Bucky’s feet more than a couple of times, face turning red in embarrassment.

“You got no rhythm, baby.” Bucky smiled, shaking his head.

“I’m done.” Steve stated.

“Nuh-uh, at least finish the song. It came out the year we started dating.” Bucky whispered.

Steve put his head on Bucky’s shoulder and closed his eyes, forgetting everything around them for a moment.

“That was the best night of my life.” Steve confessed.

“Stevie?” Bucky whispered, just above the music, close to Steve’s ear.

“Yeah, Buck?”

“I.. I um..”

Bucky felt it and he felt it hard. His heart beat like a freight train in his chest, the music went silent, his palms sweat.

“I…”

Tony found them and slapped Steve on the back. “Hey, Rogers.” then he posed with them for the camera for a minute or two before pulling them away so he could talk to them.

“Hey, guys. Glad you agreed to do this thing with me.” he said sincerely.

“Fury hated the timing of it all but yeah, It’s for a really good cause.” Steve agreed, running a hand nervously through his hair.

Tony turned to Bucky. “And how about you, tin man? Enjoying yourself?”

Steve’s mission started floating to the front of his mind and he tried not to let the dread show or take over. Now wasn’t the time or place to be thinking about it but he couldn’t help it. It was getting close.

“Um yeah. It’s nice.”

“Not much of a talker, huh?” Tony joked. “Sorry. I really do appreciate you being here, too. I know it means a lot to everyone to have you both and not just Cap.”

“It’s fine, Tony. I wanted to do this with Steve. Um. Thank you for inviting me too.” Bucky replied politely.

Despite being in a good mood earlier, as the night wore on, Bucky wanted to go home. He hated doing this to Steve and he knew he was a burden during times like this. Steve had shit to do and Bucky was interfering.

“Steve, I’m really tired.” Bucky whispered once they were alone.

“Ok, let me thank everyone and we’ll head out. Are you feeling alright, baby?”

“Anxiety. Too many people for too long.” he muttered.

Of course, Steve understood. Bucky was doing a lot better around people but large groups for longer periods of time still got to him. Steve was proud of him for tonight and told him so after he made a closing statement to the gathered crowd.

“Want to take a bath with me tonight?” Steve questioned when they got home.

It sounded like Steve was treating Bucky like a baby but Bucky appreciated the sentiment and for once it felt good to have someone take care of him.

“No.. I’m gonna get changed. I might puke in the tub.” Bucky said, pulling off his uncomfortable suit and pulling on soft sleep pants and a t-shirt.

“What brought this on? You seemed so happy before we left and you didn’t say anything to me about the big crowd bothering you.” Steve noted, removing his suit-jacket.

Thoughts of Steve’s mission going wrong a while back plagued Bucky and his mind started thinking the worst case scenarios of this upcoming one. He knew he had to find out what was going down.

“Nothing, I just don’t feel good.”

Steve bit his lip and nodded. “Ok, go ahead and lay down. Want me to bring over a garbage bag?” Steve tucked a stray lock of hair behind Bucky’s ear and was concerned for his well being even if it was just an anxiety stomach ache.

“Yeah, please.”

“I got you, honey. I’ll be right back.” Steve kissed his cheek and got up to get a garbage bag from the kitchen.

Bucky didn’t lay down and he was really starting to get nervous as he held his stomach.

“Here you go.” Steve said gently, putting the bag in front of Bucky on his lap. Small tremors ran through Bucky’s hands and he clutched the bag, throwing up into it.

Steve stayed awake with him, rubbing his back and getting him water. After a few minutes of holding his hair back, Steve grabbed a pony tail elastic and pulled Bucky’s hair up into a small sloppy bun. Bucky had his face hovering over the bag, thick saliva dripping from his mouth in long strings. He couldn’t bring anything else up and was having occasional dry heaves.

“You’re done, babe, you’re done.” Steve whispered gently.

Bucky laid down quietly as Steve got up to throw the bag away and to get a damp facecloth. He came back and wiped Bucky’s mouth, placing a kiss to his temple. “Better?”

Bucky nodded.

It took about an hour for Bucky’s stomach to settle and he made sure that Steve held him securely that night so he could really feel him and remind Bucky with his touch that he’s still there.

The next morning, Bucky woke up and found he wet the bed for the first time in a week. He was doing better so he risked it by not wearing any adult diapers. He doesn’t know what to say or what to tell Steve. Steve cleaned it up without complaint as usual but then approached Bucky with concern.

“You ok, baby?”

Bucky wished he took a day with Steve to talk things over about this but it’s too damn late. It’s nothing but business now. Fury says to “stop fucking around” and Steve is to go back to his training schedule to work even harder and meet with the team more often than he has.

“You never did tell me what this mission is about.” Bucky mentioned as they put away the food from their weekly farmers market visit.

“Oh, you know, a mission is a mission.” Steve tries to downplay. Bucky isn’t having it.

“Cut the crap, Steve. You can tell the world we’re sucking each others dick but you can’t tell me about a quote and quote top secret mission? Since when did that ever stop you from telling me before?”

“I don’t want you getting involved.”

Bucky crossed his arms, leaning back on the kitchen counter. “And why is that?”

After a pained sigh, Steve confessed, “It’s a really bad one, Buck.”

“How bad?”

“Bad.”

Bucky shook his head. “Fine, then I’m training with you.”

“What? Bucky no. You don’t want to fight and kill anymore, remember?”

“I don’t but you need me to be there, Steve. I’m the best assassin in the world, don’t tell Nat that, so I can hold my own. I’m more than capable.”

“Buck, that’s exactly what Fury wants to see. Don’t! If you make it you might chain yourself to an agency you want nothing to do with.” Steve worries.

“And leave you to do something stupid and reckless and get yourself killed? I’ve seen you fight numerous times. Yeah, not gonna happen, pal.”

“You’re not being fair.” Steve argued. Bucky just laughed in amusement.

“Fair? And you never coming back to me again is what you call fair?”

Steve’s phone rings but Bucky snatches it away and answers in an annoyed yell. “He’ll fucking call you back!”

After Steve’s phone is flung onto the couch, Steve looks away from Bucky. Now the only distraction there was from getting out of this conversation was abruptly taken away.

“Even If I don’t remember most of it, it’s always been fuckin’ me and you on the field. I can handle it, Steve.” Bucky argued.

“Your mind is like glass, Buck! Any little thing could set off your anxiety or god knows what else!” Steve’s tone of voice raised, reflecting his annoyance.

“Well I’m not just going to sit here and wait for bad news!”

“So say you go with us and you have a mental breakdown in the middle of a battle. I won’t be able to get to you every time something bad happens!” Steve yelled back.

“Funny how you always say that you don’t want me to die and leave you yet that’s the shit you’re pulling on me right now.” Bucky sneered.

“I’m.. I won’t die, Buck.”

Bucky took a step forward, wanting to touch. “I don’t want you to, Stevie.”

Steve mirrored Bucky and took a step forward as well, pulling Bucky into a tight hug and put his face in Bucky’s hair.

“I’m sorry.” Steve sighed.

“M’sorry too.”

When they broke apart, Steve rubbed his face. “What do we do?”

“You can start by telling me what’s going on. You have to trust me.” Bucky insisted, pulling Steve’s hand away from his face gently.

“There’s going to be a massive alien invasion soon. Thor intercepted correspondence between two alien races who are working together to destroy Earth.”

“Shit. Why can’t it ever be something simple like saving a cat from a tree.”

“Bucky!”

“Yeah, yeah, alright. Do you have a plan of attack? What’s the strategy so far?” Bucky inquired, getting serious.

Steve filled Bucky in as much as he knew and then Steve finally caved to let Bucky at least train with him. They often visited the gym at strange hours of the night three times a week but now they had to step it up. There was a room in the back with a mat on the ground where they sparred in private. The first few times, Steve went easy on Bucky and then they really got to it. They busted each others’ lips, gave out black eyes, bruises. It all healed quickly but Steve noticed that it didn’t take much time for Bucky to get back into the swing of things. Bucky was a natural and gave Steve a good run for his money.

Fury didn’t think much of Bucky. He apparently fought for good but he was all wrong about Bucky. Everyone usually is. Fury saw Bucky as a valuable entity that the team had to have to make it stronger. It was clear that he was simply letting Steve “babysit” Bucky so he could gain the former Winter Soldier when he was well enough. It’s never his intention to hurt either Steve or Bucky but he thought of the large greater good rather than the independent people who made it that way. Now, It’s rare that you have one without the other and Fury’s pleased with that. The two being in love worked as an advantage for him as well. They would both work extra hard to keep each other alive and if low, dirty methods needed to be used to keep Steve or Bucky in line, he wouldn’t be above manipulating one to get to the other. It was cruel but necessary. He cared about Steve and trusted him. He thought this was best.

The late night visits to the gym became daily as the time drew closer. Bucky pushed himself harder than he ever has, sweat drenching him and seeping from every pour. He had to make sure he was in the best shape he could be so he could protect Steve. Steve was not only reckless but he was also shit at taking care of himself. That was no secret. He would never be able to live with himself if Steve went off alone and died. It was true that Steve wouldn’t be completely alone since he had his whole team with him but Bucky had to be there. Anxiety be damned. Steve’s safety overrode all insecurities and doubts as to Bucky’s ability in the field. He knew he could do it.

Bucky sat at the kitchen table with Steve one night, going over the team mates that would be in their particular group.

“Tony is going to lead group two.” Steve informed Bucky. Bucky took a large sip of a protein shake he made earlier and nodded. “So who’s with us?”

“Alright, so we’re team one.”

“You said ‘we’re’ so does that mean you’re letting me help?” Bucky prodded, knowing that he got his way.

Steve let out a heavy, long sigh.

“Yes.”

“Good.. good. Now who else?”

“Right.” Steve cleared his throat.

“We have Sam, of course. Nat, Clint, Wanda and Lang.”

“Sounds solid.” Bucky commented, agreeing that the lineup was pretty good for who they have on their team. Steve explained the other teams including Bruce, T’Challa, Thor and the others.

Steve’s phone rang and when he answered it, it was Sam.

Bucky could hear Sam grumbling, “Why the hell did Barnes have to yell at me and hang up? Don’t tell me you’re fighting.”

“No, Sam. I mean, yes, we were having an argument but it’s fine now. What did you call about?”

“We think.. we think Loki might be behind all this.” Sam revealed.

“What? You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Looks like it’s true. Also, we want to know if Barnes is on our team or not. No one knew so I’m asking you now, man. Is he?” Sam asked. Steve looked to Bucky and knew what he had to do.

“Yeah. He’s in.”

“And you’re sure about that, Cap? He won’t go nuts in the middle of a battle or have a PTSD episode? Cause you know we can’t afford setbacks like that.” Sam made sure, needing to get the importance of that to Steve. When it came to Bucky, he didn’t always make the best decisions.

“I can’t absolutely promise that he won’t.. but he’s been doing really well. And let’s face it, we need all the help we can get.”

Steve could hear Sam sigh on the other end.

“I just hope you know what you’re doing, man.”

‘Me too’ Steve thought to himself before hanging up.

“So, what did bird man, want?” mouth full of a BLT.

“Loki is helping the aliens.”

“You’re shitting me.” Bucky said, surprised.

“I know, that was my sentiment exactly.”


	3. Chapter 3

"It won't turn out bad, Buck. I'm not going to let that happen. We're together and I can’t say that enough. Sometimes I need to hear it out loud to make sure this isn’t a dream. I'm going to take care of you just like you took care of me all those times. Still, even now, I could never repay you for that."

Bucky shook his head. "Stubborn as ever, Steve."

Steve put his hand gently on the side of Bucky's neck. "I believe in you." he says sincerely.

There was a short silence before Steve says, "I know you aren't the same man. Neither am I and that's not what I'm asking of you. Please understand why I’m so against you going back into battle.” Steve looked deep into Bucky’s eyes to get him to understand and Bucky met his gaze and nodded.

“I _do_ understand. You say it won’t turn out bad so stop complicating what you say. I’m a grown man and can make my own decisions. I mean, I get that you already allowed me on your team and you don’t like it but you gotta let me make my own choices.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Steve looked down.

“You don’t gotta be sorry, Steve. We keep getting put into these shitty situations, it’s not your fault for wanting to protect me.” Bucky explained.

They ended up training at the gym most of the day. They didn’t talk about Bucky going in or Steve wanting out. They didn’t talk abut anything that was too damn stressful. Steve wasn’t sure how he was going to keep Fury away from Bucky but he barely had time to think of a plan since this mission was going to be a big one.

“And when this is all over, how bout I take you to the Museum of Natural History? I know it ain’t art or anything but you like museums, right? And dinosaurs are pretty awesome.” Bucky suggested with a slight shrug.

“Yeah, I’d like that a lot. Maybe they have the mummy exhibit available. I’m going to have to check their website later to see if there are any events.”

“I can’t promise I won’t.. you know, freak out.. but I’ve been getting better. I want to take you on a real date someplace. We don’t really do that and I know it’s my fault.”

“Buck. You’re recovering from extreme trauma. I think going on a date is the least of your worries. Besides, I don’t really care what we do or where we go as long as I get to be with you.”

“Sap.”

Steve blushed. “Yeah, well..”

“It’s ok.” Bucky said. “You’re.. you’re my best guy, right?” Bucky gave a bit of a nervous smile, still withdrawn in many ways.

“Always.”

There was nothing much more to say. Steve made a decent dinner of frozen raviolis with sauce from the can with store bought apple pie and vanilla ice cream for dessert. Sure, it wasn’t home made but it still tasted fine. Steve imagined cooking with Bucky and throwing flour at him or sauce or anything that would result in taste testing on Bucky’s face. He imagined more candle-lit dinner dates and quick tv dinners for eating shitty movies to. He wanted that and so much more with Bucky for the rest of his life. They could do it now if they really wanted to but Steve knew Bucky wasn’t nearly ready for that kind of commitment and responsibility, and sadly, there was a possibility that he never would be.

But that was fine because Steve didn’t need a piece of paper to prove how much he loved him.

“Turn off the light. M’tired.” Bucky mumbled, giving Steve a kiss before turning in for the night.

Steve cuddled himself right up to Bucky, face in Bucky’s armpit. Bucky’s natural smell mixed with his fading cologne was Steve’s favorite scent. It washed away waves of anxiety like it never existed and he always slept better with Bucky at his side.

Steve was called to the tower early the next morning. Bucky was still asleep, softly snoring. He left a little note for Buck when he woke up so he wouldn’t worry.

The towers sensors and further investigation showed very unusual weather approaching. It wasn't anything anyone had seen before.

"Look at this, Cap." said Tony, pulling up his 3d images of the atmospheric conditions.

"This is not.. weather." Steve said in amusement and concern.

"Nope, no, It's not.." Tony agreed, equally taken in.

It wasn't weather but an incoming darkness. Nothingness. Not even a star to be seen anywhere.

"What the hells going on.." Tony muttered.

"I don't know, Tony, but you better prepare yourself."

It took the whole team to sit down and do hard research over how something like this could happen. So far, there didn't seem to be anything natural that would purge the world in total darkness without a day of light to hope for. It had to be something, or someone, else.

Whatever it was, It was powerful if it was enough to rival Steve. Two days later, night became more than a visitor, and Captain America was going to flush it out. A blackness that blotted out the sun was getting closer. People were scared and didn't know what was happening.

The team sat in the briefing room, all brilliant minds coming together.

"We're all here for you, Steve, we have your back, but you're the only one who could stop this." Natasha says, hoping to encourage him to do something.

"Alright, alright. Just give me a minute." was Steve's response as he starts pacing. Steve had a feeling, a hunch, that true to what they've all been speculating, that this was, in fact, a person. Also true, was that all leads pointed to Loki.

 

Steve made sure his uniform was perfect and his shield was comfortable. There would be no room for mistakes.

Biting his lip, Bucky said, "Before we go soon, I just want to touch you. We don't know what's out there so I need this moment with you."

Steve's heart pounded and his cock gave a twitch. Bucky never failed to turn him on but he didn't even have to try. Steve always wanted Bucky.

The former "fist of Hydra" pressed his lips to Steve's, closing his eyes and feeling a desperate flame of arousal catching light in his belly. Steve hugged him, pulling him closer, moaning softly as Bucky licked his way into Steve's mouth. Somehow, it felt like a goodbye.

For minutes the two just kissed, feeling each others' neck and chest and arms. Steve's lips were one of Bucky's favorite parts of Steve. They were so plump and recognizable and plush. He took Steve's lower lip in his teeth and then drew it into his mouth, sucking on it. This time, it was Bucky's turn to moan. It was like they were the last two people on the planet. Feelings buried for decades started to rise in Bucky’s chest and another memory, too sweet to ever forget again, played in his mind.

_December, 1940_

_“You cold, sweetheart?” Bucky asked, pulling their blanket up tighter around them. They both huddled together for warmth during the freezing nights, Steve wearing four pairs of socks, both his own and Bucky’s._

_“I’m fine.” Steve lied, his body betraying him, shivering._

_“Punk.” Bucky whispered, kissing him and reaching over for a towel to add on top of their blanket. They used whatever they could for warmth._

_Steve’s hands were so cold so Bucky took them in his own to warm them up before bringing Steve’s fingers to his lips to kiss them. Steve turned away a bit and blushed at the action._

_“Don’t be shy, babydoll. We gotta keep you warm.. Gotta protect your pretty hands and fingers. They’re slender and perfect like they resta ya. Could watch you draw all day.”_

_“Hey, Buck?”_

_“Yeah, Doll?”_

_“You happy with me?”_

_Bucky stopped touching and admiring Steve’s hands and looked at him seriously._

_“I’d die for you, Stevie. There ain’t no one I’ve ever felt this way for. You own this right here, punk.” Bucky swore in total honesty, taking Steve’s hands again and resting them over his own heart._

Steve knelt down in front of Bucky and undid his jeans, nosing at Bucky's underwear clothed crotch. He could hear a sigh from the brunet above him, mismatched hands going for his shoulders.

A small groan escaped Bucky's lips as Steve started to lick at the fabric constricting Bucky's growing erection. Steve mouthed at the fabric until Bucky's cock was obscenely stretching against his underwear. They were both dizzy with lust and need.

"Fuck, baby." Bucky sighed, feeling Steve's hands move to the elastic waistband of his boxers and slowly sliding them down. He couldn't help but swallow hard as Steve took his cock into his mouth. Bucky's cock filled quickly, his nerves stilling for once.

“This ok?” Steve asked, pausing for a moment, looking up.

“Yeah.. I’m..really turned on.” Bucky gasped. Steve smiled and licked at the head and kissed it before he took it down his throat again.

“Ohh.” Bucky sighed, tilting his head back.

The blood was flowing steadily to Bucky’s cock and he let out a heavy sigh of pleasure as Steve continued to suck him off.

“Stevie, your mouth.. fuck.” Bucky groaned.

Steve sucked at the head, pre come already beading at the tip. It was slick and Steve gave a deep moan from his diaphragm, purposefully sending vibrations through Bucky’s dick. In turn, Bucky’s eyes nearly rolled back and he groaned in the most scandalous and pornographic way.

Bucky’s erection was healthy and incredibly strong. Steve sat back on his haunches to marvel at the slick, red, bar of iron between his boyfriend’s legs. He didn’t stare long as to not make Bucky self conscious, but Bucky’s cock was fucking beautiful like the rest of him.

“Stevie..think I’m gonna come soon.” Bucky panted.

Leaning lower, Steve sucked Bucky’s balls into his mouth gently and mouthed at them. That gesture started the first push of his orgasm. He was going to blow soon, very soon.

What happened next was what made Bucky shove his cock down Steve’s throat in an uncontrollable manner.

Looking blissed out and eager, Steve looked up at Bucky, licking his lips.

“Come for me, Bucky.”

Steve said It exactly like in Bucky’s dream and Bucky was lost. His balls felt so full even though him and Steve fool around and they drew up tightly, rushing his come to his cock and burst out at the tip. He was coming at full force, nearly choking Steve. He cried out until he emptied it all, letting out small whines when Steve squeezed his cock and balls for the last few dribbles.

“Good?” Steve asked, wiping his mouth. Bucky’s legs felt wobbly and he sighed.

“Oh. Yeah.. thanks, Stevie.” Bucky replied tiredly.

“You don’t have to thank me, Bucky. It makes me happy.” Steve smiled warmly and Bucky’s insides turned to mush.

“How bout I make us some tea then.. you know, for your throat.”

“Jerk.”

“Punk.”

There was that nickname again, slipping out in their playful banter. Steve recognized that Bucky wasn’t even aware he was saying it, like Bucky had told him before. It was a tiny piece of the old Bucky coming through although Steve was perfectly and truly happy with the Bucky he has now.

Steve went for a shower as Bucky made them tea. He made sure that Steve was occupied and then quickly and methodically went and grabbed some of his old sleeping pills. He used to take them when his nightmares were very severe and had some left over. He was thankful that while he did have nightmares still, he was able to calm down relatively quickly and Steve helped him down.

Bucky crushed some of them up and add them into Steve’s tea, stirring it in with a spoon as best as he could so there was less of a chance of it being detected. He knew he was breaking Steve’s trust. It was the only way to save Steve from himself.

“Here, watch it, It’s hot.” Bucky informed Steve, going into their bedroom. Steve was already in clean clothes and he was drying his hair with a towel.

 Steve woke up with a groan, holding his head. He feels like he’s having the worst hang over of all time.

 “Ughh.” Steve groaned quietly as to not wake up Bucky. He turned over to cuddle back up to Bucky for a few minutes before he had to wake up but he ended up rolling into a cold, empty space.

 “Bucky?” Steve asked, awareness sinking in with each moment. Sitting up, It was clear that Bucky wasn’t in bed beside him or anywhere in the room. Quickly looking around, all of Bucky’s things were still there and Steve’s heart started to tick with panic. He darted out of bed and started pulling clothes on.

 “Buck?!” He called out, in case Bucky was making breakfast or in the bathroom. He soon found that  the closer Steve got to the door of his room, the more he doubted it. There were no cooking smells or bathroom sounds. It would be strange these days to find Bucky sleeping on the couch but he checked anyway and came up empty handed.

 Steve had a mission today but but Bucky was missing and he wasn’t going to rest until he had both Bucky _and_ answers.

 He called Bucky’s cell but then hung up as he heard it ringing from the kitchen. Steve felt nothing but dread in the pit of his stomach.

 With a shaky grip, Steve called Stark. If anyone could find anyone in the world, It was Tony, and right now Steve needed him more than ever.

 There was no answer and Steve swore loudly. The call went to voicemail and Steve decided to leave one despite not being the kind of person to do so.

 “Hey, Tony, It’s Steve.” Steve put a trembling hand through his hair and looked down. “I woke up this morning and I can’t find Bucky. All of his things are here but he’s missing. I know him, he wouldn’t leave me like this. Not when.. not since.. “ Steve exhaled, taking a pause to reel himself in because he was starting to talk himself into a nervous ramble. “Look, If you see him, tell him to call me? And if you don’t hear from me in a couple of hours It means he hasn’t come back yet and I’m asking you to do a person search for him if that happens. Um. Yeah. I’ll talk to you later.” and Steve hung up without being any closer to finding his boyfriend.

 It didn’t make any sense to Steve and he went back to his room to grab his shoes so he could go out and start looking for him. Upon opening the closet, Steve immediately saw that his uniform was gone as were his regular gloves, the fingerless ones still remaining.

 “Bucky.. ” Steve mumbled to himself.

 His shield that he usually kept close to the bed was also missing.

 Steve tried calling Tony again and then Nat but there was no answer.

 “Fuck.” Steve swore, grabbing his leather jacket and then the keys to his bike. His phone rang loudly as he approached his motorcycle and he picked up without hesitation.

 “Who is this and why do you have Steve’s phone?” Came Tony’s voice.

 “Tony, thank god,” Steve sighed. “Did you hear my voicemail?”

 “Wait. Aren’t you fifty yards ahead of me punching an alien in the face?”

 “Tony, that’s not me! It’s Bucky!” Steve exclaimed. “Bucky planned it all to take my place. You have to stop him, at least until I get there!”

 “Holy.. well, I can’t stop him, Cap. We’re kind of in the middle of something. Speaking of which, gotta go and get your ass here ASAP!”

 “Tony? Tony!” Steve hollered into the phone. There was no reply and Steve went back to get his stealth suit on like he should have before. Worry over Bucky made him blank sometimes.

 Steve never saw it coming. He should have been more aware but he wasn’t. Cursing himself, he went back to his bike and revved it up really loud once before ripping out of its parking place and zooming off down the street.

 The sky was darkening and lightning was casting off from all angles. Steve was still too far to have any real influence on the issue and he gripped the handles on his bike tighter, willing it to go faster.The situation only seemed to deteriorate the closer he got. People were running opposite him, some screaming. Explosions were going off and some of the smaller surrounding buildings were crumbling around him.

 He ditched his bike once he spotted Thor.

 “Thor! Where’s Bucky?!” Steve yelled.

 “Hello! Are you not the one-”

 “No! That’s not me!” Steve cut in.

 “Where is he? Bucky, he’s in my suit. Tell me where he is!”

 “I wish I could help you friend, but I have not seen him since we arrived.” Thor apologized making Steve’s stomach turn.

 Steve looked around and couldn’t see him anywhere. He started running and ran into Nat who was ducking behind a fallen piece of concrete. “Rogers! Where the hell you’ve been!” she hissed.

 “You _knew_  that was Bucky?!” Steve exclaimed. Nat gave him a sarcastic ‘who the hell do you think I am’ look.

 “It was obvious. You couldn’t talk because of bad tea that made your voice scratchy? Stark may have bought that but thinking that you thought that I would have, insults my intelligence.” Nat quipped.

 “Why didn’t you stop him!” Steve exclaimed. Natasha moved around Steve to squeeze off a few shots from her gun and smacked Steve on the arm.

 “Fight now, talk later, Rogers!”

 Steve knew that Natasha was right. He couldn’t just stop in the middle of everything and slow the team down and get himself or them killed.

 The sky opened up and more aliens fell from the sky and it seemed never ending. Steve started running into the fray, going against the wind blowing hard against him. He forced himself to move forward and then started hand-to-hand combat with one of the aliens.

 With another alien coming up behind him, Steve started to get choked and he growled, using all his strength to try to pry the damn thing off him. Once he was seeing spots, something coming in fast hit the creature and knocked him free. It was his shield.

 Bucky!

 “Bucky! What the hell, Buck!” Steve yelled.

 “I’m sorry, Stevie. Ain’t no way you were gonna die without me.”

 “We would have been here together!” Steve kept yelling, throwing punches at the enemies as they talked.

 “The less time you’re here putting your dumb ass in danger, the better!”

 Bucky threw the shield at an incoming projectile, exploding it before It hit them. This conversation had to wait.

 Steve became a natural worrier over Bucky despite Bucky holding his own and training just as well and as hard as the rest of them. They weren’t immortal no matter how much the press may paint them that way. Bucky could die. For real this time.

 "We will cast this world to pure darkness and you, Captain, will be nothing but a distant memory. A weak one at that." came an unknown voice.

 "You aren't getting away with this!" Steve yelled. He meant it despite how cliche his statement was. 

 A green portal appeared in front of Steve and Bucky, Loki stepping out of it.

 “But you do see that I am, don’t you? This time, I don’t think there’s anything you or my try-hard brother could do about it.”

 “Loki! Get away from them!” Thor yelled, strong voice bellowing out.

 The team took cover behind various cars and buildings, trying to get a view on the bastard, but it was so difficult. An alien ran towards Steve, landing his knife in Steve's shoulder right before he was knocked back by Thor’s hammer. Steve growled in pain as the blood started to appear. The attacks of the aliens under Loki’s command, were skilled, precise and the one that Thor originally stopped was almost like a tank who kept at it, not stopping or slowing. Bucky pushed ahead in front of Steve after witnessing Steve’s injury. Steve got an uncomfortable chill. The same chill he would feel when he was being watched. Natasha ran up behind the alien and jumped on its back, the creature instantly throwing her off.

Tony started shooting from above to which the figure dodged and then disappeared. Steve tried to dash after him but eventually lost sight. He had a feeling this won't be the last of it, though. He'll see it again.

Steve was trying to protect Bucky on all sides but it was easy to get overwhelmed. It was clear he couldn’t do it himself.

"Steve, I trusted you to help save my life and now you must trust me to help save yours!" Bucky hollered.

More buildings started to fall around them. More crumbling concrete and brick, casualties and civilian fatalities.

Bucky lunged at Loki but his attempt was thwarted when Loki just vaporized and appeared in behind him. Each time Bucky went for him, Loki materialized in a new place until he made dozens of replicas of himself. It was impossible for Bucky to tell which was the real Loki.

An idea came to Bucky and he threw the shield in a circular motion, crashing through all the duplicates and hitting the real Loki in the face.

Loki rubbed his cheek in shock and sent more of the aliens ahead of him, after Bucky and Steve.

It was cold and Steve felt it under his Stealth Suit. It was the kind of cold that chilled a person down to their bones. It was even getting painful which he was sure the others felt as well.

"Get down! Now!" Bucky yelled as a barrage of projectiles fired upon them. He managed to block the assault on himself and Steve with his shield as the others got out of the way just in time.

Loki was a snake, a trickster. His attacks were calculated, and he had thousands of foreign creatures under his command. Bruce gave them a run for their money and whoever saw Hulk kicking ass was relieved that he was on their team.

 “Watch out, big guy!” Tony yelled, glowing an alien up right behind Hulk.

 Bucky passed the shield to Steve and then got out his pistols, one in each hand. Everyone was doing their best. This was their most difficult mission yet.

 Sam was helping Tony with the aerial attacks and then returned to his team of Steve, Bucky and their other picks.

 “Heads up!” he yelled and flew directly into an alien, landing just inches away from Steve’s feet.

 “There’s gotta be a way to stop it! A weak spot!” Steve called out, looking into the fray.

 “There isn’t. We need Loki to command these things to stop!” Bucky argued, reloading his clip.

 An arrow flew by, piercing an alien about to attack Wanda and then another sniped perfectly into another heading for Nat.

 The team was fighting cohesively yet there were no signs of the intruders stopping.

 Hulk was doing a lot of damage and Natasha was quick and calculated. Clint helped Natasha and Thor was doing his best to get to Loki. Thor was who everyone was depending on to stop this. He could either talk- or beat sense into his brother.

 The sky turned darker and rain started to fall, soaking everyone and everything.

 There was a huge rumbling sound and the Earth shook, throwing numerous Avengers off their feet. A massive black hole appeared and a just-as-massive creature emerged from it. Regular weapons seemed ineffective and it had no comparison.

 Thor appeared and slammed his hammer on the beast and struck it with lightning. This meant that no one was pursuing Loki. Steve took a deep breath and started running where Thor had been chasing him.

 Bucky cursed to high heaven because he only had his backed turned for a minute and already Steve was gone. The team needed him to focus on this big asshole so he couldn’t just go after Steve. He wanted to because he told Steve he would protect him. Bucky couldn’t be ten places at once and he cursed himself too since he should have known that Steve wouldn’t make it easy for him. Bucky hoped he was safe and kept up the fight.

 “Loki! Come out and face me! End this! You don’t want to kill innocent people!” Steve yelled out. He heard his voice echo through the abandoned building he went into.

 An ominous laugh bellowed and footsteps came up behind him.

 Bucky was about to break out his AK-47 when he heard a yell coming from a distance. Not far but not close either.

 “Bucky!”

 Bucky lifted his head and ditched what he was doing, putting a bullet into one of the smaller aliens and dashed off to find Steve.

 “Steve, I’m coming!” he answered, heart beating rapidly in his chest. He followed the sound until he found the abandoned building Steve had run to. There, he found Steve lying bloody on the cold floor.

 “Holy shit. Steve. Steve, hold on!” Bucky knelt down in front of him and went to press both hands down on Steve’s chest to stop the intense bleeding.

 “Why do you gotta wander off like that! I knew this would happen!” Bucky huffed. Steve just laughed which Bucky passed off as delirium from blood loss. Steve did have healing abilities, but with wounds this serious, he could bleed out before he ever gets the chance. Bucky took off his gloves and used that material on the wound.

 “You are such a fool.” Steve said, laughing again.

 Bucky’s eyes widened in realization as a blade pierced through Bucky’s chest. Blood rapidly started leaking out and he looked down at the knife handle, sticking out. There was another stab and then another. A knife wound would never be enough to stop Bucky. He’s suffered through lifetimes of them, but the first one was close to his heart. His vision started to swim as “Steve” changed back into his true form of Loki.

 At that same moment, Loki’s duplicate, whom Steve was being mislead by the whole time, lead Steve back to where Bucky was before disappearing. Bucky crumpled to the floor.

 Steve stood there not believing for a second that it was Bucky and not some kind of illusion.

 “Nice try, Loki. Now show me your real self!”

 Blood started seeping through the gaps between Bucky’s fingers as he hand instinctively went to cover the wound.

 Steve stepped closer, hesitant. There would be no reason for Bucky to be here, he was back with the rest of the team.

 Bucky groaned.

 “Nice try, now hurry up.” Steve grumbled.

 Bucky swallowed hard and he guessed he deserved it. It was time to face the music for everything he had done.

 Steve came even closer when nothing was said and he took a deep look into the man’s glassy eyes.

 “If you’re really Bucky, what were we talking about when you were going through my pictures those months ago?” Steve tested whoever it was. The real Bucky would easily know this.

 “K-kiss… 1940.”

 It was Bucky.

 “B-Bucky? Buck!” Steve knelt down next to Bucky and called in for Sam.

 “Kinda busy, Steve!” was Sam’s reply.

 Steve pulled Bucky’s cowl off in a rush. Hot tears strayed down the sides of Bucky’s temples as Steve ripped off part of his uniform to help clot Bucky’s blood.

 “Sam, I need you _NOW._ ” Steve emphasized. “To hell with whatever your doing, I need you and bring your med kit!”

 Steve told Sam their coordinates and Sam said he was on his way.

 “Sam’s on his way. You gotta hold on for me, Buck. Please.” Steve stroked his cheek while continuing to press with his other hand.

 “I’m leaving Shield after this, remember?” Steve sniffled. Bucky was getting too weak to talk and his eyelids started drooping.

 “Shoulda.. told ya.” Bucky whispered. Steve wiped his eyes and leaned in close.

 “Tell me what?” Steve begged, tears clouding his vision once again.

 “That.. I love you.”

 Bucky couldn’t talk anymore, it took too much strength he didn’t have. Steve choked back a sob when Sam finally got to them.

 “I know, Buck. I know.” Steve nodded. Then he turned to Sam.

 “Bucky, he’s.. he’s!” Steve stuttered, unable to say it. Sam was quick and checked for a pulse, which was getting lighter, and pulled open his med bag. He retrieved out a wad of sterile gauze and handed it to Steve.

 “Steve, he’s alive, but pull yourself together! He needs you, man!”

 Steve took the gauze and applied it to the wound, changing out the bloody gloves and fabric he had on there before.

 Bucky’s eyes slid closed completely, finally running out of energy and awareness to keep them open.

_January, 1939_

_“It’s.. Its not looking good, James.” Mrs Rogers said, teary-eyed. “The doctor said the pneumonia is bad this year. He might not..” she trailed off to wipe her eyes with a tissue._

_Mrs Rogers cleared her throat. “Go ahead in there.. even though he’s a little out of it, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind your company.”_

_Steve was pale, sickly looking. His chest rattled. Bucky sat by his bedside and took his hand when he was sure Mrs Rogers wasn’t looking._

_“Don’t die, Stevie..please don’t die.. I need you,”_

 

“He needs a blood transfusion before his body can heal and push the bullet out on its own. He needs it now since you said his healing is slower than yours.” Sam explained. “Problem is, I’m not a match and neither are you.”

 “Take my blood. He can’t get diseases so his body will a-accept it. Maybe my blood c-could help him heal faster.” Steve cried.

 “You’re taking a huge risk, Steve.” Sam warned.

 “I’d rather he have a small chance than no chance at all!” Steve burst. “Please.” he added softer.

 Sam sighed heavily and got out the basic materials. “This is going to be a little shoddy and makeshift but it’s all we got to work with.”

 Steve nodded and Sam continued to be quick and efficient. Thank god for Samuel Wilson.

 The needles were pricked into Steve and Bucky’s arm respectively and then Sam attached the tubing to a fluid bag with two spouts for each super soldier to be plugged in to.

 Explosions and yelling and chaos could still be heard outside but selfishly all Steve cared about was saving Bucky’s life. Steve tried to sit comfortably and put Bucky’s head on his lap.

 “You’re gonna be fine, baby.” Steve reassured a barely conscious Bucky.

 “Now I have to sew up these wounds. Since he’s losing so much blood, he won’t be healing as well or as fast. Hold him.” Sam noted, grabbing a suture and materials before setting to work on sewing Bucky up.

 Bucky was still conscious, but just barely so. He whined and groaned at the pain, something that wouldn’t have bothered him before. It took a few minutes to close all four stab wounds and then Sam snapped his gloves off.

 “I did all I could do.. just make sure he’s comfortable. Call me back if there's an emergency.” Sam said, needing to get back.

 “I will. Thanks, Sam. Be safe.” Steve replied.

 “Alright. The team needs me but I’ll be back in two hours.” Sam said, patting Steve’s shoulder.

 When Sam left, Steve let the tears fall.

 “I heard you, Buck. That you love me. You didn’t have to say it. I already know.” Steve again  nodded miserably, playing with Bucky’s hair.

 Steve’s emotions were bleeding out like Bucky’s blood. “Please don’t leave me, you jerk.. you can’t die on me again. I can’t lose you again. I won’t survive it.” Steve cried.

 Steve did his best to stave off his tears and remain calm so he doesn’t get too dizzy or impaired on his end of things. He kept Bucky’s head on his lap and continued to stroke his hair.

 Guilt weighed in Steve again. He should have never let Bucky join them.

 Steve was startled with a jump and Sam was suddenly there.

 “Must’ve fallen asleep.” Steve muttered, rubbing his eyes. Immediately, he remembered the head in his lap.

 “He’s doing ok, Steve. His pulse is a little stronger and the color is coming back. I’d give it another hour and we’ll see.”

 “Sam, he loves me.” Steve blurted. He doesn’t know why he said it. Maybe to hear it out loud, maybe to genuinely share his joy in that with someone, maybe because he was still a little woozy from the transfusion.

 Sam just smiled and pat Steve’s shoulder again. “I know.”

 “Hows it going out there?”

 “Rough, Steve, rough. I’m not gonna lie, it’s a pain in the ass picking up the slack since you and Barnes are out but we’re holding our own.”

 Steve can’t remember anything after that. The next time he wakes up, he’s in a fancy hospital.

 “B..ucky?” was his first word in the conscious world.

 “He’s gonna be ok. Your blood saved his life.” came Sam’s voice.

 “Sam.” Steve smiled. “Where is he?”

 “He’s in another room on this floor but the doctor said he’s looking good. If that knife was only an inch more to the left, it would have pierced his heart and there would be no coming back from that. He’s lucky.”

 Steve sighed in relief and rubbed his forehead.

 “How.. how did everything else go?”

 “Thor saved us all. He kicked ass and then got Loki within an inch of his life and got him to call off the attack. It sounds easy when I say it but Thor said It was one of the most difficult battles he ever fought and almost killed Loki. God knows why Loki really relented but I’m not gonna pry anymore. It’s over.”

 “Thank you, Sam. For everything.” Steve said in earnest.

 “No problem, Cap.”

 “Sam, wait. I need to talk to you about something.” Steve stopped Sam from leaving to finally get something off his chest.

 “I’m giving the shield up and retiring. Bucky and I have been torn apart too many times and it’s not going to happen again. We’re heading off grid.” Steve admit.

 “And what about Captain America?”

 “Captain America is a symbol, you know that.. and because you know it better than anyone else, it’s why I’m leaving the shield to you.”

 Sam’s eyes went wide. “You what?”

 “I know you’ll be great.” Steve added with a small smile.

 About an hour later, Steve was released but his face fell when he saw Fury standing near the sign-out papers.

 “What do you want?” Steve asked, snatching the papers quickly.

 “Glad you made a quick recovery, and Barnes, too.” Fury said. “But I’ll get to it. Barnes is getting released tomorrow and I want you to persuade him to join us.”

 “Never.” said Steve, quickly signing himself out.

 “He stole your uniform, which belongs to us, used our medical equipment, took up my team’s time when he was supposed to sit this out, is currently using a SHIELD approved facility with the best care available. He’s in debt to us, Captain.”

 Steve looked him straight in the eye and in a flash Steve’s hand was hovering right on Fury’s throat, stopping himself before he touched him in a choke. “If you ever so much as _think_  of Bucky’s name again, I’ll kill you.”

 There was a fire in Steve’s eyes, a fire that should be taken as a warning, yet Fury stood stone still without any expression of fear.

 “You don’t scare me, Captain and It might not seem like it but I’m trying to look out for your well being.” Fury explained.

 Steve scoffed in disbelief. “My well being?”

 “Trying to force me to recruit the man I love into a life of violence that he doesn’t want isn’t looking out for my well being! You trying to blackmail the man I love isn’t looking out for my well being!” Steve yelled.

 “I’m done, Fury.” Steve stated in finality.

 Fury took Steve’s arm before he could move passed him.

 “Steve. Look. I know I haven’t been the most forthcoming person but you’re the only one I completely trust. You know this.”

 Steve looked solemn and said, “You’ve lost mine.”

 Fury sighed. “Don’t make me do this.”

 “We’re done.”

 Steve shoved passed him and went right to Bucky.

 Bucky was awake in bed, looking much better.

 “Hey, Buck.” Steve said softly, coming over to the bed.

 “Steve.” Bucky quietly breathed out.

 The two embraced tightly as Steve stroked the back of Bucky’s neck, putting his nose in Bucky’s messy hair.

 “How are you? Are the doctors treating you ok? Are you eating?”

 “Everything is fine. I feel fine. Won’t get the all clear until tomorrow though.” Bucky grumbled.

 “I thought I’d lost you. I’ve never been so scared in my life.” Steve admitted, swallowing back tears.

 “Nah, takes more than a couple of stabs to stop me.” Bucky said with a small smile.

 Steve couldn’t even lift the corner of his mouth in a fake attempt to smile back. This was just too close of a call for him.

 “You almost died, Bucky. You.. I..”

 “Hey. Hey.” Bucky said softly, taking Steve’s hands in his. “Look at me, Steve.”

 Steve looked up and met Bucky’s warm eyes.

 “I love you.”

 To hear it again from Bucky, especially when he wasn’t under any pressure to say it, made Steve press his lips to Buck’s.

 “I love you, Buck. Always have, always will.”

 “So you’re not an Avenger anymore?” Bucky asked, rubbing the back of Steve’s hands with his thumbs.

 “I.. I don’t know.” Steve answered with a shrug. “Fury is making it hard for me to leave.”

 “I never did like him, Stevie. I saw it since day one. You’re a prisoner.”

 Steve nodded. “You did see it. I knew you were right but I didn’t want to believe it. Fury want’s to do good.. I believe that..and I know he trusts me a great deal. I just can’t and won’t fight for someone who threatens you. No matter what Hydra made you do, you’re too damn good for this world yourself, Buck.”

 “I know what he’s doing. He can’t blackmail me. What’s left to say or prove? Hydra beat me, shoved a broom handle up me god knows how many times, starved me, slapped me and the list goes on. It still hurts me every damn day but I’m not gonna let it hurt _us_. Let him show the world whatever he wants.”

 Steve leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Bucky’s, closing his eyes. “You’re my brave, Bucky. The strongest person I’ve ever known.” Steve whispered.

 Bucky went silent and worried his lip. “But.”

 Steve pulled back. “No, Buck. No ‘but.’” Steve immediately countered.

 “I’m dead where it counts, but you, you’re still America’s hero whether you see it that way or not.”

 “Bucky, I’m a traitor and I honestly don’t really care. How much and how long have we put our country, our government, and everything else above each other? I’m not doing it anymore, Buck.”

 “Then we’ll get out. We’ll leave and never come back.. but Steve, that means you can’t see any of your friends anymore. Except maybe Natasha since she’s the slickest person I know. Other than her It wouldn’t look good.”

 Bucky was right like he always was. The thought of leaving Sam behind hurt the most. He already gave him the shield and said he was leaving so it wouldn’t be a total shock.. Steve was just scared. He didn’t know anything only that he was going to be with Bucky at any cost.

 When Steve went home, he went packing for both him and Bucky. It was only going to be what could fit in a couple of backpacks. Steve took his old photos and some things close to his heart before stuffing in clothes, toiletries and other necessities. He was actually going to do this. Him and Bucky were going far, far away and going to live out their lives together. At least, that’s what the plan was. He hoped that their lives wouldn’t be interrupted.

 He went right back to the hospital. He didn’t feel right sleeping without Bucky and he didn’t want to leave him alone even though he was fine and competent on his own.

 Bucky wasn’t in his room and the doctor told Steve that Bucky got an early release about 20 minutes ago and was getting a coffee in the cafeteria where Steve then went to.

 Bucky was already sitting at a table, drinking coffee, seemingly all ready to go.

 "What are you doing down here?" Steve asked. He goes over and walks to where his counterpart is sitting.

"Fury and Shield will find us sooner or later if we’re too slow. We need to move." Bucky shared his thoughts sadly.

To Steve, Bucky looks a lot better and they hug just because.

 “Ready to get out of here? I got our things right here.” Steve asked, relieved that Bucky survived and is healed.

 The traffic was intense today, and it was loud. Bucky tried not to panic as he withdrew himself from Steve's soothing personal space. His eyes darted from one side of the street to the other, back around every tree and person.

"You ok there?" Steve asked, noticing Bucky's change in demeanor.

"We're being followed." Bucky mumbled. “Come on, we don’t have much time.” he added, grabbing Steve’s hand.

Once the pair rounded the corner, Bucky took a quick look around and then smashed the window of a nearby parked car.

"Buck!" Steve scold. "What the hell are you doing!"

Bucky stuck his arm through the broken window and opened the driver's seat door.

"Bucky!" Steve yelled again when he didn't get an answer.

Still, Bucky didn’t reply.

Bucky reached over and opened the passenger door for Steve and then hurriedly hot-wired the car.

"I can't believe we're stealing a car." Steve gasped, feeling surprised and nervous. Bucky just huffed.

"I've murdered countless innocents and you're complaining about stealing a car?" Bucky asked rhetorically, shaking his head. He started the car and they take off, driving and maneuvering through the city until they get to the highway. So far, they haven't had a good look at these assholes yet and mostly it's Bucky running on instinct. He knows he's right.

Steve finally took the chance to look back. "Fuck. There _is_  someone following us,"

Bucky takes a look in the rear view mirror and steps on it. Steve braces himself.

"Would you slow down?! You're gonna get us killed, Buck!" Steve exclaimed.

"Steve, just because you're 100 years old, doesn't mean you have to act like it, and second, we're being fucking followed and unless you want to be the one to drive and lose them, I suggest you shut up." Bucky snapped.

"Alright, alright." Steve surrendered, motioning with both hands up.

"Reach into my boot, there should be a really small pistol in there." Bucky instructs, not taking his eyes off the road. Steve doesn't even ask but does as he's told and retrieves the weapon.

"I can't turn onto an exit until they're off our trail unless you want to bring this to a residential neighborhood." Bucky pushes, trying to get Steve to do something. Steve didn't want to kill, let alone hurt anybody so he aimed for the tires on the shadowing vehicle. It took more than a few bullets.

When there was a lot of horn honking and a crash, Steve and Bucky knew they had narrowly escaped. Steve looked back to double check and nodded. He hoped no one in the surrounding cars got hurt.

Steve slumped heavily into his seat and let out a deep breath. Bucky was silent and kept driving, to where, Steve didn't know.

They stayed that way for a couple of hours until Bucky's face softened and his hand reached for Steve's.

"I ain't gonna let anything happen to you, baby." Bucky admitted, his own use of the pet name "baby" sounding so foreign in his voice since admitting to Steve how he felt, yet warranted truth all the same. Steve nodded in understanding.

"Same here, Buck." Steve agreed, smiling reassuringly as the sun set in the sky. For just a moment, Bucky sounded like his old self.

They pulled into a motel for the night, the moon full in all its glory. In their room, Steve felt fuzzy with warmth and was even feeling a little dangerous and sexy. All Steve thought was  _'Bucky'_ \- who gave Steve the relief and affection he needed; A stability and a calmness to Steve’s anxious heart and tired soul.

Bucky's eyes went wide when he stepped out of the bathroom to see Steve naked and beautiful, body gently illuminated by the moon. Bucky's heart skipped a beat.

"Fuck.." Bucky whispered. He almost forgot to breathe.

"C’mere, Buck. Let me hold you." Steve beckoned Bucky to join him.

Bucky stalked over and laid his body on top of Steve's, pulling his mouth in for a kiss. They made out in various pressures of kissing, sometimes soft and slow, sometimes hard and hungry. They came grinding against each others body, sated and loved.

At dawn, Steve woke up with his head on Bucky's chest. Bucky looked at peace when he was asleep without any nightmares. Steve wished he could capture this moment forever.

Moments like that can't last forever, however, proving this when Bucky shot up in bed, panting. Steve was shoved off his chest in the panic and came to sit up, looking at Bucky.

"It was just a nightmare, Buck.. you alright?" Steve hesitantly questioned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

Bucky tried to get his breathing back to normal and silently nodded.

"Can I touch you? Is that ok?" Steve whispered. Again, Bucky nodded.

Bucky whispered out an embarrassed, “I.. the beds wet.”

“Shhhhh.” Steve soothed, stroking Bucky’s hair. “It’s ok. Calm down first and we’ll take the sheets off. We don’t need them, the sun is up already anyway.”

Steve faced the former assassin and tucked his hair behind his ears and kissed his cheek.

They laid in bed for another hour before it was time to move again.

Bucky ran a hand down his face with an exhausted sigh. “Get dressed, we got a long ways to go.”

Steve agreed with a nod.

As Bucky walked down the street to find a new car to steal, Steve received an incoming call from Sam. His thumb brushed against the "accept" button but he couldn't get himself to swipe it. He _did_ disappear without saying a word to anyone..

The "Incoming Call.. Sam" message continued to flash as the phone vibrated and Steve felt extreme guilt for not feeling torn about his loyalties. He felt bad for leaving the way he did without an explanation or goodbye but not bad about choosing Bucky. Bucky was the very core to his being and he was never going to let him go again.

"Steve!" Buck called out, waving for Steve to get into the car he already started.

"Get rid of that phone. They can track us with that. Only use burners if you absolutely have to make a call." Bucky said, taking it from Steve's hands and tossing it into the garbage bin beside the car.

Bucky put the car in drive and peeled out of that spot with ease.

After a few long moments, Steve became lost in thought.

"What's on your mind?" Bucky hesitated to ask. He didn't want Steve to ditch him, not after all this.

"I'm not one of the "good guys" anymore, am I?"

Bucky gave a huff and shook his head. "Steve, you are too good for your own sake. Course you are."

“Steve, you saved the country, the world, me.. how is that not good? All you want is to be alone with your guy for a little while and that ain’t much to ask. No one can fault you for that.” Bucky said, eyes on the road.

Steve bit his lip. "They won't stop, you know."

"I know."

“It’s going to be a while before we can have our own life.” Bucky reminded Steve, not happy he had to do so.

"I wish I could take all of that away, I-

"Stop it, Steve. No guilt monologue now. What happened, happened, and now we're back together. Ain't that enough for you?"

"More than enough!" Steve agreed quickly. "You know how I am about you."

Bucky was silent.

“Maybe.. maybe this is a mistake.” Bucky whispered.

“And what, let you be taken into servitude unable to be free? Bucky, we already discussed this. Neither of us are going to be used anymore.”

“And you’re sure about this, Stevie? I mean, I got nothin’ to lose, but you? You got friends that are like your family, a home, a purpose-”

“I’m not going to live in this world without you again, Buck. I told you this.”

“Then we’re gonna drop off grid. Have you ever been to Antarctica?”

Steve’s eyes went a little wide. “Antarctica? Holy cow.”

“Can’t get more remote than that. I have a contact there. He’s a scientist, practically the only kind of people who live there, and we can stay there for as long as we need. It’s not a luxury resort but there’s power, heat, shelter, food.”

Steve had a blank look on his face which turned pensive. Then It hit Bucky.

“I know you must be afraid about going back into a place with so much.. ice. I’m sorry. I just thought it was the safest place. Trust me, Steve? I promise I got you.”

“I.. I trust you. I might have nightmares when we get there, I don’t want to worry you.”

“I have them, too.. so we’ll hold each other, right? Til the end of the line.”

“Til the end of the line.” Steve repeated, small smile on his face.

“I’m driving us to our first flight. There are a couple of transfers and then a small flight to Villa Las Estrellas, the Chilean research base we’ll be staying at. I mean, shit, we’ll be cold if we stay outside, obviously, but we’ll be safer there than anyplace else, baby.”

Now, normally, anyone would think that hiding in Antarctica would be bat-shit crazy, with how desolate the place was. There was very little medical care if something were to happen and a meager scientific population. Since Steve and Buck were super soldiers, they would fare pretty good without the medical care someone who wasn’t enhanced would need but there were still doctors there if they did need someone. They were both ready to sacrifice and do what they had to in order to be together in a life of relative peace.

“And it won’t be forever. Just until we have a more long term plan.” Bucky added, still trying to unnecessarily convince Steve.

“Antarctica seems pretty long term to me.” Steve notes.

“If you don’t want to do this, I-”

“No! No, I do. I’m trying to figure this all out. It’s fast.” Steve amends.

Bucky continued the fast pace he was driving at and informed Steve that they already had heavy winter jackets and a few other essentials waiting for them on the plane. Bucky was good at this kind of thing. He must have been, considering he had been a ghost of an assassin for decades not even including his time in cryostasis.

They drove for hours until reaching this obscure airport. The small hairs on the back of Bucky of Bucky’s neck rose and Steve felt uneasy, too.

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t report this to Fury.”

Natasha stepped from the shadows.

“Nat..” Steve said, surprised.

“Natalia, step aside. This doesn’t concern you.”

“James, you shouldn’t leave. I know Fury is a bastard but he means well. You can do real _good._  Isn’t that what you wanted?” Natasha reasons.

Bucky shook his head. “No. Not if people have to die for it.”

“Don’t do it.” Natasha warned, lifting her arm in attack mode.

“Nat, get out of the way.” Steve demanded in all seriousness.

“Fury is trying to help you two idiots.”

“If he was trying to help us he wouldn’t be threatening me into making Bucky join us when Buck doesn’t want to or prevent me from quitting when _I_ want to or claiming to blackmail Buck if he doesn’t join. How is any of that supposed to be helping us? We just want to be left alone and lead a damn simple life for once!” Steve argued.

“You gave that up when you took the shield.” Nat countered.

“No offense Natalia, but you don’t know anything about taking up the shield. I was there. Steve is fucking over do to live his life.”

Natasha just stood there, blank expression. “Go.” she finally said. “Before I change my mind.”

Steve gave a nod and Bucky kissed her cheek.

Neither of them had been to Antarctica and Steve still had a growing concern that they would be running and hiding like this forever.

“You good?” Bucky asked, looking over to Steve.

“What if this.. doesn’t stop?”

“We’ll figure it out, Steve. I don’t have all the answers but this is our fucking _lives_ , baby. I’ve learned a lot in therapy.. and if I or we want to be happy then we gotta fight for it. It ain’t gonna just fall into our laps. You know that.” Bucky explained.

“You’re always right, Buck.” Steve sighed with a small smile.

“Nah. I’m just smarter than you.”

“Jerk.”

“Punk.”

Steve didn’t mention Bucky saying “punk” again. If it was coming from Bucky naturally, then he didn’t want to bring anymore attention to it and halt any progress he might not even know he might be making.

“Hey, Buck? I’m not sure I won’t get any nightmares on the way there.”

Bucky reached around in his bag. “Good, you packed the sleep aids.. want to take a couple, see if that gets you through the next couple of hours?”

“You mean the stuff you drugged me with before the battle?”

“I was trying to help you, Steve.” Bucky grumbled.

“Don’t. Don’t do that to me again. I mean it, Bucky.”

“I won’t.. I’m sorry.”

“I know why you did it, Buck.” Steve began. “But it’s a breech of trust. I’m not mad, just don’t repeat it, ok?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah. Ok. M’sorry, Stevie.”

Steve leaned in and kissed Bucky in earnest. “Love you, Bucky.”

Bucky pressed a warm kiss to Steve’s ear and hugged him. “Steve.” he whispered.

It took many many hours to finally reach the base. Steve and Bucky suited up before they got there and greeted Bucky’s contact, Manuel Velez. Bucky spoke perfect Spanish and Steve was stunned when Bucky told him that he was rusty.

“Wow, Buck. How many languages can you speak?”

“A few.” Bucky shrugged.

“Like..?” Steve wanted to know because he was plain curious.

“Spanish, German, Russian, Romanian, Italian to name a few.”

“Fluently?”

Bucky nodded.

“Wow. I mean, I could speak a little French but you can speak all that? Damn, Buck.”

Steve shined inside for his man. Bucky was so intelligent, so brilliant. Bucky made it through the the very worst this world has to offer and he’s still here, heart still warm and face still familiar.

“What?” Bucky asked, noting the smile on Steve’s face.

“Nothing.. you’re just incredible.”

A month into their stay, it seemed to be going pretty well. They had full bellies, empty balls and warm nights cuddled together. On the not-so-good nights for one of them, would have the other come in, tender, caretaking, loving. Bucky continued to have his occasional nightmares and he still wet the bed. The more scared he was, the more urine soaked the sheets. There was no place to get adult diapers and the supply they brought with them dwindled within a couple of weeks. Steve would hold Bucky tightly in his arms, rocking him back and fourth, placing a blanket on top of the urine soiled sheets until they could be changed by Steve in the morning. Steve would then change Bucky’s bottoms and Bucky would burrow into Steve. When Steve’s nightmares started to surface, it caught Bucky by surprise the first time. Every blue moon, Steve had mentioned his nightmares before they left, but never had any until now.

Steve would wake up yelling in a cold sweat, shivering in both fear and his belief that he was freezing from still being awake in a giant block of ice. Bucky would do the same for Steve that Steve always did for him. He would hold him, kiss his temple and make sure he was warm in his arms.

They ditched their phones and now communicated with walkie talkies, half because there were no cellphone towers to ping off of and half because of the very real possibility that they could be tracked.

“Manuel said I could go help him take water samples a mile from here. I feel guilty that we aren’t doing much. I’ll be back by dinner ok?” Steve said, taking Bucky’s face in his hands.

“But you hate the cold, Steve.”

“I hate not helping someone in need even more.”

“He’s not in need.” Bucky grumbled.

“Maybe not but he could still use the help. I promise I won’t be long. I’ll comm you through the talkie in an hour. I love you.” Steve kissed Bucky and pulled his heavy gear on, leaving with Manuel and his team.

Bucky laid back in bed with his thoughts. Was it odd that he and Steve didn’t have sex? Was it wrong? That’s what two people who love each other do, right? Bucky loved Steve. He _loves_  Steve. It was this invisible force that took hold of his heart and shushed the darkness back. No matter how unbelievable the situation was, he couldn't deny his feelings for Captain America. Steven Grant Rogers.

_4 months ago_

_"Mmmm" Came a quiet mumble from the other side of the bed. "Buck?"_

_"Mm?" Bucky hummed and pulled a sleepy Steve closer._

_"How long you been awake, baby?" Steve asked, slowly resting his hand on Bucky's cheek._ _T_ _he slight hint of tiredness, the soft tremor of the bed from turning over, whatever It was that gave Bucky away, Steve knew it._

_"Couple hours." Bucky lied with a shrug. He was much better at lying than Steve was._

_"Bucky."_

_"Since one." Bucky gave in with a sigh. Maybe he was getting rusty._

_"Nightmare? Having trouble sleeping again?" Steve asked softly. He didn't sound worried, he just looked a little sad but gave a small_ _reassuring_ _smile, silently telling Bucky that he's here for him._

_“A little.”_

_“Want me to make you some de-caff tea? Or you could take a warm bath?”_

_“Just hold me, Stevie. That’s all.”_

“Sargent Barnes? Come in, Sargent Barnes.” pulled Bucky from his nap followed by the sharp cut off of static. Bucky took his walkie and pressed the button.

“Barnes.” Bucky spoke into the walkie talkie.

“Meet us at the medical unit, there’s been an accident.”

“What happened? Is Steve ok?” Bucky asked nervously.

Bucky’s blood ran cold and he pulled on his clothes with lightning speed. His heart was slamming inside of him and his palms sweat as he raced to the medical bay. The two available doctors stood by.

“What’s going on? What happened to Steve?” Bucky asked them as they all waited for the team tom return.

“Captain Rogers fell through some ice that was disguised under snow. The team is bringing him back now.” one of the doctors said in Spanish. The team of doctors stationed were well versed in hypothermia, frostbite, exhaustion and any other common occurrence in below freezing temperatures.

Bucky was a nervous wreck, waiting. “Come on.. where are they?” Bucky whispered, staring at his watch for the millionth time. The seconds only seemed to go by even slower.

The doors burst open and a conscious but declining Steve stumbles into the room. Bucky wants to yell at him in worry but the doctors are faster and start stripping Steve of all his clothing. Steve sits down on the hospital bed, shaking harder than Bucky’s ever seen.

Steve’s eyes shift around, not exactly noticing Bucky as heated blankets are wrapped around Steve quickly. The other doctor hands Steve tea and says it’s absolutely mandatory to drink if he’s able to. Steve just nods.

The doctors lay Steve down but sit him up enough to drink and continue layering blanket after blanket. So many, they could sweat out the damn sun.

“Buck.” Steve squeaks finally after many minutes.

“I’m here, now shut up and drink the tea. Doc says you need to get your bladder warm.” Bucky gently scolds, no bite behind anything he says. Steve’s teeth chatter and Bucky kisses his cheek.

“You’re such a punk, Rogers.. can’t leave you alone for a second.” Bucky continued, holding the mug to Steve’s lips when he could no longer do it himself.

Steve is admitting coldness like an air conditioner and Bucky hopes that the warmed up blankets will be effective.

“Feel so bad.” Steve admits, teeth chattering.

“Yeah, well that’s what you get for not watching where you’re goin’.” again, no bite behind Bucky’s words.

“I-I know I sh-should have-”

Bucky cut him off. “Shhh. I get it. You need to get warm and then I’ll yell at you, ok? Come on, Stevie.” Bucky joked a little. Steve looked miserable and Bucky stayed with him the entire time, rubbing Steve’s hands and legs to help warm them up and bring back blood circulation.

“There are just too many of these damn things happenin’ to us, you know? Scares me to death that I’m gonna lose you too soon.” Bucky admits when it’s just him and Steve. The doctors gave Steve a button to hit of their needed but other than that, they are left alone. Blankets are replaced with new hotter ones every few hours but they still have time left before that even happens.

“I-I know. S’why I got to thinking..”

“Oh no..” Bucky lightly joked. Steve smacked his arm.

“I was gonna wait until later until we were more stable..” Steve trailed off.

“What, Stevie?”

Steve thought about it and briefly looked around, quickly wondering if he’s making the right decision.

“I wanna stay with you forever, Buck.”

“That can be arranged if your dumb ass stays out of trouble.” Bucky joked.

Nearly freezing to death in Antarctica wasn’t how Steve imagined asking Bucky but Steve knew how their lives were and he was afraid that he wouldn’t get another chance.

Steve forced a smile. He was nervous and knew the possibility of rejection was very real. Bucky was probably far from ready but selfishly, Steve knew that if he doesn’t ask Bucky, and loses the chance, he’ll never forgive himself.

“I know it hasn’t been a year since you came back and that you have a lot of work to do on yourself.. but I want to be there every time you need me. I want to be the one you go to when you aren’t at your best and I want to be the one you share your victories with and your happiness and progress. ”

“I mean, we don’t even have to do it right away or soon if you don’t want to.” Steve added hastily.

“I don’t get what you’re ask-… oh.” the realization hit Bucky. Bucky hadn’t really thought about it. To be honest, marrying Steve never crossed his mind. It was fast. Bucky wanted to though. Being someone’s fiancee was a promise of marriage not a time frame. He didn’t know when he would want to but he was sure he did want it at some point. The thought of being Steve’s husband made him feel human, loved, and he wouldn’t mind to have an official bond to the person who has always had his heart.

“So will you, Buck? Will you marry me?”

“I wasn’t.. wow, Steve. Caught me off guard.”

Steve looked on expectantly.

The front door flew open, cold wind whipping up. Bucky subconsciously shifted closer to Steve to both keep him warm and protect him.

“Fury knows your here and no I didn’t tell him.” came Natasha’s voice. “What the hell happened to Steve?”

“He fell through ice but he’ll be fine, now wait, wait, Fury knows?” Bucky answered, on high alert.

“And we all know what he says he’ll do to you, James. You have our support. All of us, even Tony. It’s just.. It’s hard to believe that he would do this.. which is why I’m warning you that when you come back, Barnes, your privacy will be more than severely encroached upon.” Natasha explains, helping herself to an apple from the bowl of fruit they have near Steve’s bed.

“He.. he just wants you to join us.”

“Nat, don’t you guys get it? Bucky wants to be left alone.”

“I know that, Rogers. We all know that.. but maybe it’s for the best. It’s not such a bad deal when you can give him the best medical and psychological care in the world, safe places to stay, opportunities to fight beside you instead of those petty arguments you’re always having.”

“You can’t be serious.” Steve says, taking Bucky’s hand. Bucky is quiet.

“Barnes, we need you. Now is your chance to do some good.”

“Do some good? Do some- I can’t believe this is coming from you, Nat. Fury yes, but you? He gave his entire life for our country, isn’t that enough? And what about Sam? I know he’s doing a damn good job out there.” Steve huffed.

“We’ll never be happy if we stay.” Bucky whispered. Steve seemed to just ignore that comment.

“Natasha, I think you should leave. Guilting Bucky to join us is low, even for you.”

“I care, Steve. Don’t treat me like I’m some kind of stranger.”

“Bucky and I move to the most remote place on the planet and we’re still hunted down like dogs.”

Steve shook his head. Bucky called it so many months ago. Bucky’s only mistake was thinking that he would be able to get them out of it.

“Look, I’m just saying to think about it.” and with that, Natasha tossed the half eaten apple and left, the door slamming shut behind her.

“I knew this would be a temporary place to stay but if we’re found here, where else is there to go?” Steve sighed.

“Maybe we should go back.. You haven’t been getting therapy and neither have I..and your nightmares will lessen by being away from this cold.” Bucky thought out loud.

Steve scoffed. “Wasn’t it _your_ idea to come here in the first place?”

“I thought we would be undetected here!” Bucky argued.

“Right, and now you want to go back?” Steve crossed his arms, already feeling better.

“You’re right. It’s my fault.” Bucky sighed.

“I’m not blaming you, Buck. I’m tired inside, you know? Really tired and worn out. I’m tired of fighting, hiding, arguing, constantly living in the future trying to stay one step ahead of someone or something.”

Bucky understood and sensed that tiredness in Steve so many months back.

There was already a chopper waiting to take them to the plane for their first departure. They didn’t have much and said their goodbyes to Manuel and the crew who welcomed them back any time.

Steve had nothing but sour looks for Fury when they arrived back at the tower.

First, Steve saw Sam.

“I’m sorry, Steve. I didn’t know it would end up like this. I’d never hurt you, you know that.” Sam apologized.

“It’s not your fault, Sam. I’m not angry at you. Keep doing a good job out there, alright?”

“Yeah.. yeah.” Sam trailed off, watching Steve move forward in his anger towards Nick Fury.

“What happened to our home in Brooklyn?” Steve spit out.

“You’re living in the tower now.”

“I’m my own man, Fury.” Steve growled.

“You aren’t thinking clearly, Captain. What happens when you or Barnes gets fatally wounded again? Are you going to build medical equipment out of icicles?

“Release whatever you have on me. Steve and I are going home.” Bucky said sternly.

“You can go, Sargent, but Steve is still under government contract. Pulling another stunt like this.. won’t be good. I’ve been way too lenient on you both and it stops now.”

“What if we renegotiate Steve’s contract? Fight for you for less years, give him some damn freedom.” Bucky countered.

“And then where does that leave SHIELD? The Government?”

“Eliminate major parts of Steve’s contract and.. and add one for me.”

“Bucky, no!” Steve yelled.

In the end, Bucky wondered what Fury really had over them in terms of threats and blackmail but maybe this was his chance at penance.

“Please cuff Captain Rogers until Barnes and I have come to a decision.” Fury says to the guards.

Steve doesn’t fight them but looks Bucky in the eye. “Please, Buck. Don’t do this. I’m begging you!”

“At least we’ll be able to be together and I can protect you just like I used to.” Bucky says but sadly.

“Bucky, stop. Wait. You need to think about this.” Steve pleaded. Bucky pressed his lips to Steve’s in a sincere kiss that he put his heart into.

Steve gets tugged away from Bucky and Fury all the while yelling. It was one of the worst things Bucky had ever had to do. It wasn’t putting himself into slavery again that became the most difficult thing Bucky has ever had to do, but turning his back on Steve while the cries of his soulmate rung out in echos behind him as he forced himself to not look back.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Steve was kept in a holding cell until Fury and Bucky exited the conference room nearly two hours later. He sprung up from his seat on the bench and stood near the bars.

Bucky came over and Steve was released, wrapping his arms tightly around Bucky.

“You ok? Were you blackmailed? Tell me what happened, Buck.” Steve immediately questioned.

“Calm down, will you? I asked for this, remember? It was my idea.” Bucky dryly reminded him.

“Yeah, well, It was a bad one.” Steve grumbled, pulling back and crossing his arms. Bucky rested his open palm on Steve’s cheek.

“It was the only option.. least I’ll be fighting by your side again.. I had to free you.”

Steve put his hand over Bucky’s. “At what cost? Transferring my future years of service onto you isn’t freeing me. I’ll never leave you, Buck.”

“I couldn’t negotiate all the years, just a few. You’re tired, Stevie. You’re so fuckin’ tired. I see it in your face every day.”

“And you aren’t, that’s what you’re telling me,” Steve countered, still clearly unhappy with the arrangement. 

Bucky grunted. “Course I’m fucking tired. What was done to me, what I’ve done?”

“Exactly!” Steve exclaimed. “You said it yourself that you’re done with this kind of life.”

“Accept it, Steve.”

“No, I don’t want to.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “You’re being a stubborn brat.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want either of us to keep doing this. Buck, you deserve everything including to be at peace and happy.” Steve reasoned with a sigh.

“We both do. Our lives have never been perfect or easy but we have each others’ back.” Bucky tried to console.

“I don’t want your back, I want you.”

“You have me, Stevie.” Bucky began. He dipped his head a little. “You have my..my heart.”

Steve couldn’t snap at that. Bucky verbally disarmed him.

“You have mine.” Steve reciprocated, putting his arms around Bucky’s neck. He nuzzled his face in Bucky’s hair trying to calm himself. His chest felt tight and his rib cage constricting.

“Breathe, Steve. Breathe.” Bucky soothed, sensing Steve’s mounting anxiety.

In the privacy of their own room, Steve’s shoulders felt heavy with burden.

“I’ll always help people and try to do the right thing but damn it, I want my fucking time with you!” Steve yelled. He punched the wall hard and it gave way to a hole. Steve’s hand throbbed in pain like he broke a bone or two. It pulsed in time with his heart.

“Steve! Jesus.” Bucky got an ice pack and put it on Steve’s hand. “It’s going to be ok. You can’t give up.. that’s not the Steve I know.”

Steve shook his head, looking down in shame. “I don’t have faith in much anymore.”

“Then have faith in us. After 70 years we still found our way back to each other and I can’t stop telling you how much I must have always loved you if you were able to get through decades of brainwashing and abuse.”

“You’re right.” Steve sighed. “I’m tired, You’re tired. I guess I imagined us together without any of this government crap.”

“I don’t think we’ll ever be completely free from the government but there will still be a day where our official service ends.”

Steve nodded, pressing his forehead to Bucky’s.

“I love you, Buck.”

“I’m with you.” Bucky replied, nudging Steve’s forehead with his own.

“Til the end of the line.” Steve finished.

Steve was going to follow Bucky like Bucky followed him. Bucky made his choice and It both angered and hurt Steve knowing that this was the only outcome. Bucky wasn’t well but that didn’t mean a damn thing to SHIELD. The bed wetting, nightmares, anxiety, and Steve was helpless to make it all better. It was a sick joke. The therapy and medical care provided to Bucky wasn’t to make him well but just to function enough to kill.

Steve even wanted to marry him one day but feared that that day would never come. Could never come.

Bucky would argue that Steve wasn’t well either. He had his own set of nightmares, inner demons that he knew Steve wasn’t telling him everything. That was ok. Everyone had secrets, but it bothered Bucky that Steve had secrets that were hurting him inside.

“My official day of duty starts next week. Until then I have training at 5am sharp every day.” Bucky told Steve.

“With who?”

“Natasha. Then I have therapy..I was uh..thinking that maybe we could stay in and have dinner together.” Bucky suggested, blushing slightly.

“Why, Buck, are you asking me on a date?” Steve teased.

“Shuttup.”

Steve laughed. “Yeah, I’d love that. We can look something up online to cook together.”

Bucky nodded. “We can look it up before we go to bed and go to the market tomorrow.”

Youtube proved very useful in looking up delicious step-by-step recipes. They snuggled up together in bed, a laptop heating up Bucky’s lap as Steve looked on as they browsed. 

“What about lamb? We haven’t had that.” Steve suggested. Click after click came various lamb recipes, some looking amazingly good. They managed to narrow down their meal and it made something flutter in Steve’s stomach. He had something happy to look forward to with Bucky, time to make Steve’s heart pound in his chest.

“I’ll get everything while you’re busy tomorrow. Will you be back by six?” Steve asked, curling up by Bucky’s side. It all sounded so sweet and domestic.

“Oh yeah, definitely. I. um. Maybe if we could sit in the back by the door, we can go see a movie. I haven’t been to one since 41.”

“This really is a date.” Steve said calmly and seriously, his face going soft with realization.

“Yeah.” Bucky cemented Steve’s statement with a nod of his head and a kiss to Steve’s cheek. The dark, loud noises and lots of people were big triggers for his panic attacks but he wanted to do this for Steve and with Steve. He wanted to feel normal.

Steve didn’t know what time he fell asleep, he just woke up to an empty bed, breath catching in his throat until he swiped a hand down his face, remembering that Bucky had training with Natasha. There was a note on Bucky’s side of the bed. “See you tonight. -B” written in Bucky’s scrawl. Steve took the note and smiled. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, smelling the paper, imagining Bucky waking up and writing it. It did smell a little like Buck but not overly.

The day started with a smile on his face and Steve felt a little crimp in his stomach. Excitement. Bucky asked him out. Bucky asked him out on a date. Bucky asked him out on a date and it made Steve feel like he was little again with how overwhelmed with love Bucky made him feel.

The markets were the best places to go for fresh produce. Steve looked over the list he and Buck made the night before as they figured out what ingredients they needed. Most of it was for the salad but there were a few other things that were added later (“Steve, we’re out of plums!”) - They preferred to handle this themselves as Steve did the first time around rather than just order it quick from some kind of Stark speed-dial thing. Doing it this way was more personal, private and there was something to just picking out your own food in person.

After the lamb was secured, the last item was dessert. Steve blushed at the implication and he imagined him and Bucky in a warm, nude embrace. Shaking his head to clear his mind, Steve bought a really small cake meant for more than four people. It lacked gluten and lactose and seemed like it wouldn’t be too hard on Bucky’s stomach.

Steve raided his wardrobe for something classy to wear. Nothing fancy but not too casual. He wanted to look good. He wanted to dress to impress. Clean jeans, pressed button up shirt that was a little too tight, slicked back hair. Bucky deserved Steve’s best.

Shower, shave, deodorant and the finest cologne he owned. It’s true that he may have gone a little overboard but knowing this did nothing to stop the anxious stomach clenches.

Natasha, Fury and Stark worked Bucky to the bone on his first day. Fury wanted Barnes to take the heat and build him up stronger than ever before. He watched him train with Natasha through a window.

Bucky was breathing hard, pushing his limits, straining every muscle in his body. Sweat was pouring down his face and his shirt was sticking to him.

He was fucking tired at the end of it all. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and sighed heavily, working his way back to his and Steve’s floor. His best guy should be waiting for him.

Opening the door, Bucky can immediately smell the scent of Steve’s cologne wafting through the air. It sends a small bolt of arousal to his groin.

“Steve? Where are you?” Bucky asks, rubbing at a sore spot on his arm and slowly looking around.

Steve emerged from their room and found Bucky in the living room.

“Buck.”

Bucky looked at Steve and froze. He couldn’t help but stare.

“W-what..? Is it too much?” Steve asked nervously, judging from Bucky’s lack of words and his unreadable look.

“Steve..” Bucky muttered, in awe of his beloved.

Steve was now bright red, self conscious.

Bucky finally came out of his stupor and smiled, taking slow steps towards Steve.

“You look so fuckin’ good.” He said, pulling Steve by the collar and pulling him in for a deep kiss. Steve moaned a little, neither of them breaking apart until needing to come up for air.

“I just wish I l could compare. I look like a mess.” Bucky sighed.

“You’re beautiful, baby. Go shower and do whatever you need. I took the ingredients out already.” 

“Fuck. Stevie..I don’t even know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything. You’ve already done enough.”

Bucky smiled again and kissed the corner of Steve’s mouth. “I shouldn’t be too long.”

Steve felt like he was on top of the world. He watched as Bucky entered their bathroom and shut the door. He wished It could be like this always.

As Bucky showered, Steve had JARVIS play some 40’s music as he turned his phone onto “Emergency Only” mode. Steve made sure everyone knew to leave him and Bucky alone tonight.

Steve got out his ipad, all ready and charged, and pulled up the step by step instructions along with small video clips of each task. There was no way they could screw this up.

Only after a few minutes did the shower stop running. Hardly enough time had passed for anyone to get clean and Steve thought Bucky was going to take his time to freshen up for tonight.

After the lettuce and produce was washed, Steve dried his hands on the nearby hand towel and walked over to the bathroom, knocking gently. “Bucky?”

“There’s no way you could have showered that fast.” Steve added with a slight nervous chuckle. There wasn’t any response but this time the door opened when Steve tried the handle.

Bucky was sitting on toilet seat lid, naked, shaking and staring off.

“Bucky.” Steve whispered, approaching slowly and then kneeling. “Sweetheart?” 

Bucky shook his head. “No, no, no. No.” he muttered.

“It’s Steve, can I touch you?”

It took several seconds for Bucky to answer. “yes.” he whispered.

Steve grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Bucky before pulling him into a hug. “Shhhh. It’s going to be alright.” 

Steve brought them both to the floor so he could hold him.

The world seemed to fade away, leaving them the only two humans on Earth. Steve nosed at Bucky’s hair and breathed him in. The man in his arms was shaking like a leaf and Steve could all but hear the sudden stream of liquid hitting a hard surface. When he looked, Bucky was urinating, a heavy sob escaping him as he mushed his face into Steve’s chest in disgrace.

Steve watched as the yellow liquid pooled under them, sliding into the grout between the tiles when the puddle got too big. He pressed a warm and confident kiss to Bucky’s cheek, not mentioning it.

It took Steve all his willpower not to call Fury and tear him a new one. His baby was fucking suffering. Even if Fury meant well, fought against evil, he still saw Bucky as an opportunity-- Steve gulped. A weapon.

“You stupid, Jerk. Why did you do this? Add your contract.” Steve whispered into his ear, rocking them both gently. “I could have done this on my own.” Steve could feel Bucky shake his head.

“N-no. You’ve already given up too much.” Bucky sniffled. Steve’s own eyes were glassy and he stroked Bucky’s cheek with his thumb.

“So have you,”

Bucky laughed humorlessly. “We keep talking about this over and over. It’s always the same fucking conversation. I’ve probably said that before too.”

“I know.” Steve nodded in agreement, kissing the top of Bucky’s head. Steve reached for another towel and put it under them, soon absorbing all the pee.

“You’re selfless and sacrificing because you’re a good person. I-I’m not that good. I’m only like that for one person and it’s because I’ve f-fallen in love with them.”

“You have no idea how good you are, baby. It’s going to take some time for you to see it.” Steve assured, wanting to do nothing but take away Bucky’s pain.

“Now, you wanna tell me what triggered you this time?” Steve asked gently.

“The music. It’s.. It sent me back. Memories.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I had no idea.”

“Not bad memories..they were so good that It’s tearing me to pieces. Slow-dancing with you in our apartment with you stepping on my feet, coming home to you after a long, hard day at work to see you making dinner for us with the radio on low. I’d open the door and see you before you notice me and just think how fucking beautiful you are. Your face, your skin, your heart.” The words tumbled out of Bucky’s mouth, expressing more of his soul than he had in months.

Silent adoration and pride swelled in Steve’s heart.

Bucky continued, “Stevie, don’t.. don’t get mad at me but I gotta tell you something.”

Steve wiped his eyes and took Bucky’s hand. “What is it?”

“I.. I think I wanted to marry you. - I mean, yeah, It never would have happened of course, but I still thought about it. We made a great team.” Bucky looked so nervous as to Steve’s response.

“Even if you asked, I would have said yes. In a heartbeat. I loved you and still love you,” Steve choked out a happy sob.

“I wanted to tell you how I felt before I got shipped out.. but I didn’t have the balls. I couldn’t look you in the eye and tell you I wanted you to be with me forever when I knew I might not return. What then? It woulda broke your heart, Stevie.”

“What about now? Do you still feel that way?”

This time, Bucky took his hand and held Steve’s tightly. “You have my heart and soul.”

Steve wanted to ask Bucky. It was at the tip of his tongue, scratching up from his throat- but he couldn’t do it. Not yet. This moment was anything but appropriate, both of them still barely hovering over Bucky’s mess.

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s neck. “I love you, Buck. I love you.” Steve whispered like a prayer. Bucky was smiling warmly and nuzzling Steve’s cheek.

They made love for the first time that night. It was slow as they explored one another.

“Oh, Bucky. I want you again. Again and again. Over and over.”

Bucky is trembling, no longer the confident, charming, flirt, he was a lifetime ago. It worked well back then as a cover up for how much he loved Steve. These days, he didn’t know what he was but still simply in love with Steve. Steve was always his constant.

Bucky smiled.

“I didn’t say something wrong, did I?” Steve asked, noticing Bucky getting lost in his head.

“No, Stevie. You’re perfect.”

Steve pushed a lock of Bucky’s hair behind his ear. “My beautiful, good, boy. You’re so damn good, Buck.”

In the morning, Bucky went to a therapy session and this time it was suggested that he start anti-depressants. He could take larger doses to compensate for this super soldier body and inner systems. He wasn’t surprised and agreed even though he wanted to talk with Steve about it first.

Next on his list was sparring with Tony. Tony is a different fighter than Natasha but he’s determined and strong. He’s also a good opponent. His black eye is healing on his way to the jewelers. Steve’s ring has to be something special.

The first shop Bucky went into didn’t have anything that made him think of Steve so he politely declined any offers to look at more rings there and continued to the next store. The third shop, however, was when Bucky laid eyes on “the one.” A simple white gold band with one small blue diamond. It reminded Bucky of Steve’s eyes. As soon as he saw it, he was sold.

Joy, anticipation, certainty, filled Bucky’s being as the ring sat in its small velvet box in his pocket. He wasn’t afraid, didn’t have any doubts. Steve was ‘it’ for him.

A ring wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. Bucky knew he had to formulate a plan. Something special and extremely secret. The only way they could live a life (relatively) free from any government was to break Steve from SHIELD. Fury would never let Steve go and that angered Bucky. Steve was not something to be owned. It made him feel sick to his stomach. Steve; a slave. Just like he was and in many ways still is.

There was a quick fleeting thought. A flash. He could kill Fury.

No. No. No. No.

But he could free Steve? No. Steve would hate him for the rest of his days. It would ruin his life. Bucky swallowed thickly in his throat, not even sure he could even do it anymore.

He needed more therapy before he could ask Steve.

Killing a man who never actually hurt him or Steve was a thought that had to be worked out in his talk sessions. There was so much work he had to do before he could give himself fully to Steve. He gave all of his heart and soul to Steve back in the 30’s, and now, more openly, his body, and lastly he wanted to give himself to Steve legally on paper. He could be James Rogers or Steve could be Steve Barnes. It made no difference to him. He knew he didn’t need any paper to prove his love but he was old fashioned and wanted to treat his sweetheart right. It would also be simple and legal to transfer assets and benefits between them as a married couple. 

Bucky kept a small box of mementos from the past. It wasn’t much. A few old photo’s of Steve when he was small, the notebook he had been recording his memories in, an old pack of ciggs from the 40’s and a few other things. He placed the tiny ring box in there knowing that Steve never went into his business and respected his space.

Going back to violence wasn't something that Bucky wanted. Not for himself nor for Steve. Deep down, he still felt the Soldier trying to claw his way up. He knew signing the contract with SHIELD would kill him one day but after everything, he just wanted to be selfish one time in his life. He wanted to stay with Steve as long as possible. Different handlers, but it was all the same. Kill, report, repeat. Only difference is that he did it with other people. A team. Steve's team. Steve's friends.

He layed back on their bed and closed his eyes. He was part of Steve's team once before, wasn't he? Back during the war. In Bucky's swiss-cheesed brain, only whisps of memories exist at certain points. His head ached.

He and Steve were breathing heavy, Bucky having to sneak into Steve's tent in the still of night. Their kissing was wild, passionate, hushed, hurried. Bucky loved him. He loved him like a smoldering meteor in his heart. The memory wasn't clear, it was a mix of breaths and hands and skin. Dog tags thumping gently against their chests, Steve's glazed eyes. If Steve had been a gal, he would have proposed right then and there. God, there were a handful of times he thinks he would have asked if circumstances were different.

There was a gentle knock on the door.

"Did I wake you?"

Bucky sat up. "No. Just thinking."

Steve sat at the foot of the bed, always knowing.

"Tell me."

It was a fragile moment and Bucky knew Steve was earnest when he met his eyes.

"Just the war." Bucky shrugged.

"Flashbacks?"

Bucky let out a huff of a breath. "Something like that."

"As long as you're alright."

"I am, I promise."

Steve smiled a little.

"I wish things were different. First the war, losing each other, hydra, freezing-"

"Steve."

"Being hunted by everyone, belonging to the government,-"

"Steve." Bucky tried again.

"Going on the run-"

"Steve!" this time Bucky finally yelled. Steve shut his mouth quick after that.

"It's not the greatest now, I know.. just as long as you don't leave me."

"Buck. That's never going to happen."

Bucky didn't look convinced.

Steve was angry. He was sick and tired of jumping through hoops. He was sick and tired of seeing Bucky sick and tired. Bucky sacrificed his freedom for Steve and Steve... Steve is going to grab it right back. He'll go at it hard and no one will stop him.

**Author's Note:**

> Talk Stucky with me! [MY TUMBLR](http://www.ortizshinkaroff.tumblr.com)


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